More than a dream
by brzq
Summary: [Sequel to "Maybe love is not just a dream"]. After all the struggling, and without A watching their moves, Spencer and Emily start going deeper into their relationship. Spencer's still not okay, and Emily just wants her to get better, so maybe now that they know love is more than a dream they can finally make it together. Obviously, Spemily.
1. Hurting

**Disclaimer: I think it's obvious I own nothing, but I still can dream, can't I?**

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**Chapter 1: Hurting.**

Hurting. Deep down, somewhere inside of her heart, she was hurting. She had been hurting ever since. She could remember. The blood, the pain, the rush. The lies, the darkness, the blade; they were her best friends. But they had become her worst enemies too. How to hide yourself from a monster that's resting inside your body, just waiting for the right moment to wake up again? Closed eyes, she could feel the warm liquid running through her body. She felt the need of put it out, let it be free. No way, she needed to stop. She had to, should, must stop. But the only thing she could think off was taking the knife that she knew was resting under her bed, and slowly trace a fine line along her arm. Just one more time, it wasn't like she would do it again.

Sweating, Spencer Hastings opened her eyes, feeling her girlfriend's arms around her. It was okay, she wasn't doing anything wrong. She had been there, all night, sleeping in the lovingly embrace of Emily Fields. Knowing she had had a nightmare, and being absolutely sure of what had been happening inside her head not long ago, she felt the need of cleaning her face. Carefully, she move Emily's arm, until it was resting on the bed, and tip toed to her bathroom. Closing the door, she let the water ran, looking at her reflection on the mirror, seeing that she had been crying in her asleep again. Sighing, she threw cold water at her face, feeling how the remaining traces of the nightmare started to abandon her mind. She wasn't ready for them, not yet, and she needed to do something before they could win her over.

She walked back to her bed, and heard Emily murmuring something unintelligible, making a smile appear on her face. Taking her girlfriend's arm back, she let herself fall down into a dream that could turn into a nightmare at any moment. Feeling the need to keep trying, she convinced herself that this time it would be a good dream.

Soft kisses awakened her. Without opening her eyes, she turned to face Emily. "Good morning, lover."

"Lover?" A playful giggle escaped Spencer's lips, realizing how weird the word sounded coming from Emily. Opening her eyes, she stared at her girlfriend's dark brown ones, wondering how wonderful life would be if she weren't in that bad place she was. Maybe, and just maybe, if she had acted a little braver, everything would be perfect for them. A perfect life, full of perfect dreams.

"Well, it's not like we've never made love to each other, and…" Emily's face changed from happy to death serious in less than a second, and Spencer's heart stopped until she heard what had provoked that change. "We need to talk, I heard you waking up."

Tell a lie or tell the truth? It was like a huge fight, between her mind and her heart, and Spencer knew that whatever she said Emily would know the truth. Maybe she should change the question for something more like… 'See Emily upset because I lied to her or see Emily upset because I'm not as okay as I say I am?' Hard to choose, but her mouth chose for her. "It was nothing, just a bad dream."

"I know what a bad dream is, and for the way you moved it seemed like something more." Emily wouldn't let her go without fighting. Of course, she knew how Spencer was. She was totally sure that the conversation she had started was making her girlfriend feel bad, and she knew the reason. Maybe Spencer didn't want to hurt Emily, but she couldn't hide the fact that she had been dreaming about cutting again. It wasn't exactly a secret, she had started talking in her dreams when she had her first dream about it, and now it was like a neon signal. Spencer talking, Spencer having a nightmare. "Listen, I have bad dreams too, and we can talk about them if you want, but I won't ask you every morning we wake up together so you can lie to me."

"You have nightmares?" Spencer pretended to be oblivious to Emily's accusation, and decided to focus on what her girlfriend had said about having nightmares too. "Since when?"

"Since you gave me this ring." Putting her left hand in front of Spencer's face, Emily saw feelings clearly showed on her girlfriend's face. Fear, sadness, worry and… Was that self-hate what she had just seen? Well, maybe it was just her mind playing tricks on her, it wouldn't be the first time. Ever since Spencer started seeing the doctor that was helping her, she had found herself waiting for Spencer to fall back down again more than a few times. Whenever they were alone, she would discretely make her girlfriend show her arms, and her mind would work faster than it'd ever had, counting all the scar just to make sure there wasn't anything new on them. Suddenly, she noticed Spencer's eyes were full of tears, and she reached to whip them away with her right hand. "Spencer, I don't have nightmares because I don't wanna marry you, so don't cry. I have them because I'm scared I'll lose you before we can have our life together."

"Don't you believe in me?" Hurt was evident in Spencer's voice. Just like in her dream, she was hurting, but instead of taking the pain away, she forced herself to stand up for her own strength. If Emily thought she wasn't strong enough to get over that dark phase of her life, then she would make her understand. "I would never abandon you."

_Well done, now she's angry._ Emily's brain started working, trying to find a solution to the mess she had gotten herself into, but she couldn't think about anything good enough for Spencer's exigent person. "Spencer, listen to me." Sitting on the bed, Emily made her girlfriend follow her. "First of all, I do believe in you. I believe in you more than I believe in myself, so you better put that hurt look in your eyes away, because I never meant to hurt you." Gaining a smile from her girlfriend, Emily allowed herself to relax. It was easy, she just needed to tell the truth to make Spencer feel better. Having a personality as special as hers, the only thing Spencer needed was to be in control, meaning knowing everything, and there wasn't anything Emily could be happier to give her girlfriend. Truth, something they had lacked of for a long time. "Now, if you let me I'll explain myself." A quick nod make Emily know Spencer was ready for her words. "It's always the same nightmare, but it changes at the same time. Originally, I was running through the woods, and then I would see you. I wanted to ran and hug you, but you seemed to be too far away, even though I could see you clearly and you were running to me too. Then you'd fall on your knees, and a shadow would appear to stab your back." _Dramatic pause here to let the words sink in her mind. _Emily found herself mentally joking about the situation. _Are you stupid, Emily Fields? Just resume your story, kiss your girlfriend and stop talking to herself before you go crazy. _"Then it started changing. First, I would be nearer you when the shadow was stabbing you. A was already ended with, but I thought it was them anyway, taking revenge on you. Later, I could see the shadow. Only three faces. The first one, the day I gave you your ring, when you told me you'd seen Ali in your mirror, remember? That night I had dreamt she was the shadow. Now, it's either me or you." Inhale, exhale. Trying to steady her breathing, Emily continued talking, not wanting Spencer to interrupt her. "Now, there's only two faces for that damn shadow. I don't know why, and I'm still looking for the connection with the days I dream about each one, but… It's either me or you."

_Relax, your girlfriend needs you to comfort her. _Spencer told herself what to do before really doing it, and she realized it would be harder than she had thought. "Emily…" Taking Emily's hands, they stared into each other eyes until Spencer could find the right words. "Emily, it's just a dream, it doesn't mean anything." _Smile, make her know it's okay. _"I know you'll never hurt me, and that's what matters here: that we love each other."

"I think…" Emily stared lovingly into Spencer's eyes, not really knowing what to answer. _Why don't you just kill this depressing mood, Fields? _Emily pushed herself to do it, to kill the mood. "I believe you, Spencer, God knows I do, but…" There's always a but, but this time it wouldn't be anything to worry about. "But we have to get up if we don't wanna be late for lunch with Hanna and Aria today, hon."

Spencer sighed, relieved that Emily didn't doubt her, and smiled shyly. "Do you mind if you shower first while I print something?"

Was it a lie? Was Spencer lying to her again? Emily started feeling her head spinning, wondering what would happen to them if Spencer started lying again. "What something do you need to print on a Saturday morning?"

"It's something for Hanna, don't worry." Smiling, Spencer wished she had convinced Emily, because she knew she wouldn't last too much if she started asking. She was weak when it came to Emily, and she knew it. "I would tell you, but it's her place to tell, I'm sorry."

"Okay, I'll get in the shower then…" Emily started taking her clothes off, giving her back to her girlfriend. "If you want to, you know I always love it when you join me…" They were still taking things slow when it came to sex, even though they had rushed at the beginning of their relationship, and Emily knew it was hard for Spencer to show her arms without worrying about what other people would think. Since she had started seeing her therapist, she hadn't cut again, but it had been really tough, and she still wouldn't use short-sleeved clothes.

"I know, I'll be as fast as I can." Spencer knew she was lying, but she couldn't stop now. She wouldn't join Emily in the shower, because the water, whether it was hot or cold, always made her shiver when it touched her scars. It didn't hurt, not anymore, but it made her remember of how much it used to hurt. Also, the soap still could make her cry, and she didn't want her girlfriend to see that. Winking, she saw she was left alone in her bedroom. Sighing, she sat on the floor and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself before thinking about showering.

Twenty minutes later, Emily stepped out of the bathroom to see her girlfriend was still sitting on the floor. Her heart broke at the sight, the brunette girl sitting with her eyes closed oblivious to the presence of the swimmer in the room. It was really impressive, nearly as much as it hurt, seeing someone so strong acting so broken. Deep down, Emily knew that the only wrong thing about Spencer was that she had lost all of her confidence in herself, but she also knew that she had to realize it on her own. Because, after all, she was only her girlfriend. Well, her fiancée, but that didn't give her the right to step into her mind. Sometimes, people think that love allows you to do whatever you want, "in the name of love", but no, it doesn't. Spencer needed to realize that a mistake was just a mistake, and that she had to stop punishing herself if she didn't want to hurt her. If she didn't want to hurt her _more_.

Carefully, Emily tip toed to Spencer's body and kneeled besides her. Slowly, she wrapped her arms around her, trying not to scare her. That was the exact moment when Spencer burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Emily, worried, started rocking her, running her hands through her hair. "Spencer, it's okay." Whispering wasn't enough, and it didn't took Emily too much to realize that. "Spencer, listen…" Putting one finger under her girlfriend's chin, she forced her to look at her eyes. "Spencer, I'm here for you, you're not alone." Spencer nodded, trying to free her eyes, but Emily's grip was stronger than it seemed. "Don't forget that, ever." Spencer shook her head, afraid of opening her mouth. Time was flying, and she was still taking baby steps.

There was that fear again, the fear of losing everyone and everything around her, the fear of losing the only people that had kept her for going crazy when she had been on her worst. Actually, the biggest one was the fear of losing Emily, but at least she could look at her hand and see that she had a promise of a future with the swimmer, with the love of her life. "I love you, Emily."

A smile crept on Emily's lips. Standing up, she offered a hand to Spencer, who gladly took it. Taking a step closer to her girlfriend, Emily pecked her cheek and whispered, "I know you love me, and I love you too."

Spencer smiled too, closing the gap between their lips. Kisses where different between them since they became fiancées, more serious but more passionate at the same time. Fuller of love. Spencer felt the need of saying something more, but she knew it would be too much for sweet Emily to take. Instead, she took her hand and led her to her bed. She sat and tugged on Emily's hand, making her sit with her. "Can we cuddle for a while before we go?"

Emily tilted her head to the left, staring at Spencer while pretending to be in deep thought. "Mmkay, but only if you let me take you on a date tonight."

Spencer nodded bashfully, grinning furiously. "Yes, of course!" However, after a few seconds, Spencer stopped smiling and locked her eyes with her girlfriend's. "Where are we going?"

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I tell you!" Emily shook her head, giggling when she saw Spencer pouting. Beautiful puppy eyes looked at her, and she had to do her best to keep her mouth shut. Once Spencer realized she was going to get any hint, Emily sighed relieved and lied down on the bed, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's waist.

Spencer cuddled into Emily, resting her head on the swimmer's chest, listening to her heartbeat. _Wow, can she hear my heart beating this easily when I'm next to her? _Marveled by Emily's heart, Spencer didn't notice her girlfriend shifting next to her until her head fell on her bed. "Why would you do that?" Her voice sounded angrier than she had first intended it to, but when she saw Emily's features softening she relaxed and turned around. There, in the doorstep, was her sister, Melissa, with her phone on her hand and her face pale.

"Spencer." Melissa's voice made it clear that she was in trouble. Big trouble. "Spencer Jill Hastings, can you please explain to me why the doctor I put a lot into finding called me today?"

Spencer sent an intently look into her sister's direction, subtly begging her not to start that special argument in front of Emily, but Melissa's eyes told her that if the swimmer weren't there she would've waited until she were present. _Damn it, Melissa, why right now?_ Sighing, Spencer decided to play innocent. "Why would she call you on a Saturday morning, Melissa? Are you friends now?"

Melissa took a step inside the room, her face growing red at her sister's words. "Don't play dumb with me, you know why she called." Emily's eyes darted from one to another, not being able to understand what was going on in the room, but clearly seeing that Spencer had done something she shouldn't have done, and that probably Melissa was confronting her while she was there so she could support her. If only she knew what they were talking about… As if she had heard her thoughts, Melissa talked again. "Look Spencer, I can't help you if you don't want me to, so I'll let you here with your girlfriend, who seems to have some questions to do, and we'll talk when you get home today." Dramatically turning around, Melissa walked out of her sister's room, leaving her alone with Emily.

"Spencer…?" Emily tried to reach for her girlfriend's hand, who was looking ashamed at her feet. "Spencer, if you don't wanna tell me what this was all about I get it, but please don't let me out."

Looking up, Spencer sighed and threw herself at Emily's arms. Standing on her toes, she put her mouth next to the swimmer's ear and whispered, "Thank you."

Of course, Emily was worried sick, not knowing how to help the girl in her arms, but she respected her more than anything, and if she didn't want to tell her then she wouldn't make her do it. Lighting the mood, she pressed a feather-light kiss to Spencer's forehead, and whispered in response, "You don't have to thank me, silly, you're sexy when you play mysterious girl."

Spencer pulled away shocked, and found herself in front of a smirking Emily. Taking the hint, she winked and walked to her bathroom, swaying her hips without looking back. Closing the door, she quickly washed her face and put her hair up in a messy bun. When she stepped back in her bedroom, she found herself dragged into a tight embrace, Emily's lips finding hers and locking them into a passionate kiss. Their lips moved perfectly together, making Spencer moan at the feeling. She wasn't still feeling ready for going back to their sex life, but it had been a long while since the last time they had been together that way and her body was screaming on need. Abruptly breaking the kiss, Emily looked down at her eyes and softly pecked Spencer's cheek, before saying, "Are you ready to go?"

Without waiting for an answer, the swimmer walked away. Spencer was left there, in the middle of her room, totally speechless. Speechless as in 'at a total loss of words', or as in 'unable to form any rational sound out of her throat'. Her body trembling, she pressured and took a warm sweater out of her closet, putting it without paying attention at her complete outfit. Emily was waiting for her, and that was the only thing that mattered.

Taking her phone in her hands, she headed for the stairs, stopping when she heard a sound she had feared for months. Shaking, she took her phone to her face and unlocked the screen, sighing when she saw it was a text from Aria. Things had been really better between them that last week, but still she felt uncomfortable when the tinny girl acted all worriedly around her. Opening the text, she ran to her girlfriend before answering.

"Spencer, wait!"

Too late. She ran into Emily, who was heading upstairs to find her, and both of them fell rolling down the two last steps of the stairs. When their little trip ended, both of the girls stood in the floor, looking at the ceiling. It was impossible to tell who of them started, but a few seconds later they were uncontrollably giggling, not being able to move from their positions. Emily was the first one to steady her breathing, and turned to look at Spencer. "Is the house on fire?"

Spencer rolled on her side and reached for her phone, resting a few inches away from her. "There's no fire on the house, but there could be fire at lunch." Emily looked at her questioningly, and Spencer read Aria's text out loud. "Good morning girls, I hope you're ready for today, it'll be nice. By the way, Hanna's making stories, so you better tell her about you-know-what before she figures out. Kisses and support, Aria." Looking again at her girlfriend, Spencer shook her head. "Do you realize what this means? I have to tell Hanna, a fragile girl who used to purge because of something Ali said, that me, the one who's supposed to be strong… That everything's just a façade."

Emily's face fell at Spencer's rambling, and the only thing she could do was hugging her. Closing her eyes, she had to calm herself because noticing Spencer waiting for her to say something. Because Spencer really thought that people would stop loving her when they realized she wasn't as strong as she pretended to be, and she still couldn't understand why she hadn't lost Emily. Yet. She still feared losing her, but since they were fiancées she felt like their relationship was something she could picture in her future. Taking a deep breath, Emily rubbed Spencer's back and leaned to kiss her forehead. "Spencer, calm down, we all love you, we are best friends and there's nothing that could make us stop loving you, so stop giving me your façade speech and get up, because our friends are waiting for us."

Spencer obeyed without opening her mouth, looking ashamed at the floor. _When did I become this insecure mess? She said she loves me, so why the hell do I keep questioning it? God, we even gave each other rings… _Taking Emily's hand, she pulled until their eyes where at the same lever, and she pressed their lips together, trying to express all the love she had inside of her heart. "Thank you. For being here, for loving me, for always knowing how to make me feel better and… Thank you for kissing me when we first kissed."

"You're welcome, and thank you too, you know, for kissing me back." Spencer giggled and Emily kissed her forehead again, taking her hand and walking towards the door.

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AN: _So, as you can see, I'm back with Spemily. I know this chapter is kinda slow, but I have sooo much planned for this thing... Well, I hope you enjoyed your reading, and it would be really nice of you to let me know your opinion. Salutes from a place where sadly there's no snow this year!_

_- _b.


	2. You don't always have to be on top

****AN: _I promise I wanted to upload this yesterday, but... Anyway, thank you for your alerts and reviews :)_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: First of all, I'm glad you liked the chapter, but no, I can't read minds (thankfully), and you shouldn't say you love my writing, 'cause I could believe it ;)_

_Craycrayforshay: Glad to know you liked the chapter, I hope you like this one too :)_

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**Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer that magically starts playing random music.**

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**Chapter 2: You don't always have to be on top.**

Lunch went better than Emily had expected by far. She had been waiting for Spencer to tell Hanna, but then she realized that maybe that wasn't something to talk about in a public place. It was something to talk at home, alone. But then again, thinking about it, she came to the conclusion that it would've been better if Spencer had told her while they were having lunch, because if they were in private… Well, they'll discover it soon.

Sighing, she closed her eyes and leaned down on her couch. They had decided to postpone their date, at least until Spencer had talked to both Hanna and Melissa. Also, it wasn't making her any good staying at Spencer's, she needed some real rest, but she didn't want to leave her girlfriend alone either. Maybe she could ask Melissa to take care of her for just one night, so she could sleep for a reasonable amount of hours without waking up to a shaking Spencer between her arms. Not that she didn't like holding her, but sometimes the feeling could get a little too overwhelming for her.

She couldn't have told if she fell asleep at some point, while searching for a solution in her deepest thoughts, but when the front door slammed closed she jumped in her seat. Worried, she looked around, not being sure if she wanted to know who had just entered her house. "Mom?"

Blonde hair appeared in front of her, and she forced her eyes closed again. _I am dreaming, Ali's dead._ Repeating that over and over again, she slowly opened one eye, afraid of who was there with her. _I am dreaming, Ali's dead. _Again, long, blonde hair appeared in front of her, soon followed by a face. "Em, are you okay?"

"Hanna?" How could she have confused Hanna with Ali? Well, everyone knew that Hanna had tried to look as similar as Alison as possible, but they were still too different. Ali had been simply intoxicating, while Hanna was all pure energy, sweetness and smiles, even in her bad moments. Maybe her mind was playing games with her. "What are you doing here?"

"Hmm… Well, it's raining outside, so I thought I could use some dry clothes…"

Tilting her head to the side, Emily waited patiently for the true answer.

Sighing, Hanna gave in. "Okay, I had a fight with Caleb, so I came here to cool down." Looking away, she considered if it was the right moment for the question she'd been dying to ask since a few weeks now. _Better to wait,_ she decided.

"A fight?" Emily worried. If the happiest (and cutest) couple she knew had fights strong enough to make Hanna slam a door like that, she could only pray for her and Spencer not to reach that point. It wasn't like they weren't happy, even if they weren't in their best moment, or that they weren't cute, because both Hanna and Aria had told them so more than a few times, but she was really worried about their future. What if their love wasn't made to last forever? What if Spencer got better, like really better, and realized that she didn't need Emily anymore? Shaking her head, the swimmer tried to erase those thoughts and looked at her hand, reminding her that that ring was there to make her feel everything but insecure about their relationship.

"Yes, a fight." Looking tired, Hanna let herself fall on the couch, next to her friend. Resting her head on Emily's lap, she started explaining while the brunette softly ran her fingers through her hair, carefully scratching her scalp. "I just asked him if he ever thought about, you know, marriage and those things…" Hanna couldn't even remember why she had brought the subject on the first time, and she couldn't regret it more. "I felt like he doesn't think this is forever."

"This?" Emily knew what Hanna meant, but she thought it would be better if she talked about it.

"This, as in us." Hanna buried her head deeper on Emily's lap, trying not to cry. "Our relationship, Em. He thinks we have an end date."

"Hanna…" Emily sighed. Why had it to be so hard? "Hanna, you know he didn't mean that." She couldn't even think how they survived all the typical drama of being a teenager while dealing with A, even though it hadn't been so long. "We are too young to think about those things, you shouldn't worry too much."

"Says the girl with an engagement ring on her hand…" Hanna sighed again.

"Hanna, you know it's not the same…" Emily looked away. If she didn't have to keep the secret about Spencer's problems, she could be having a true heart-to-heart conversation with one of her best friends. She needed Spencer to tell Hanna as soon as possible.

"Why?" Hanna turned her head to look at Emily, who quickly pretended to stare out of the window. "Is it because of what she's hiding?"

That really hit the spot. "What do you mean by what she's hiding?" _Please, don't ask me something I can't answer._ Emily wasn't ready to deal with Hanna knowing the truth, and she wasn't even less ready to deal with her being angry with her. She couldn't lose a friend, not now that she needed them the most.

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" At least Hanna didn't sound pissed, and that made Emily brave enough to take a look at her friend's face. Groaning, the blonde closed her eyes and continued talking. "Today it was hot in there, while having lunch, and if Spencer's not seriously ill then I don't understand how she managed not to take off that damn sweater." Seeing that Emily wasn't adding anything, she continued. "I think I know what's going on, and I've got the feeling that I'm the only one who doesn't know, so I think you all owe me some really good explanation, because after all we've been through it hurts to know neither of your best friends trust you."

Emily looked away. She didn't know what to do, she was sure it wasn't her place to tell, but at the same time she didn't want Hanna to think they didn't trust her. "Hanna…"

Seeing the position she had put her friend in, Hanna interrupted her before she could say anything. "No, don't tell me." Sighing, she sat up and took Emily's hand between her own. "Spencer's the one who has to tell me, so please just let her know that when she's ready I'll be waiting for her." Without adding anything more, she stood up and walked away, leaving the swimmer staring at the spot where she had been sat for almost an hour. Why had it to be so hard for them?

After a few more minutes thinking about how their friendship could change in the next few days, Emily decided a hot shower would make things look better. She wondered whether to call Spencer or not, but at the end she chose not to tell her. They needed some time apart from each other after a full week together. Two hours later, her mother would be home, and she didn't want to deal with one more argument about how they were moving onto things too fast. She already knew.

As Emily tried to have a calm afternoon, Spencer was having an intense argument with her sister.

"Spencer Jill Hastings, we are not done with this topic, so come back here!"

Spencer stood at the bottom of the stairs, deciding whether to walk away or not. Not turning around, she whispered weakly. "Please, let it go."

Seeing she was winning and not wanting her sister to leave her out again, Melissa walked to Spencer and put her hands on her shoulders. "No, I won't. We need to talk through this." Turning the younger girl around, she hugged her before whispering on her ear. "You need to get better, for Emily. You promised."

"I know, I promised and I don't plan on breaking that promise."

That statement really made Melissa smile. It was good to know that after everything that had happened to her, Spencer was still a stubborn and proud Hastings. "Then, why you keep doing this to yourself?"

"Doing what?" Spencer's eyes flickered with surprise. _What is she talking about?_

"I'm not stupid, Spencer, and I may be a lawyer but I still know some things about medicine. Almost married a doctor, remember?"

Spencer felt like she was being left out of some kind of internal joke of her sister. She couldn't understand what she was talking about, and she didn't like that feeling at all. "What are you trying to say, Melissa?" She didn't answer, she just stood there, looking intently at her little sister. That, after everything that'd been said, made her clench her fists and throw an angry mask over her face. "Spill it now!"

Melissa shook her head, trying to believe that Spencer didn't really know what she was talking about. "Tell me why you're still wearing long sleeves at all times, Spencer. Tell me why you cry when you're in the shower. Tell me why it seems like you're sore when you move your wrists. Tell me why you didn't go to your appointment this week. Tell me why you keep having nightmares every single night, even when Emily's holding you." Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath before adding the sentence that would either solve everything or mean the end of their late relationship. "Just, come out to me and recognize that you did it again. Recognize that's the reason why you're not getting better."

Spencer blinked a few times, not trusting her ears about what she had just heard. How could her sister think so low of her? Shaking, she pushed through Melissa and walked out the house, being careful not to slam the front door. She didn't want to let her know that she had hurt her, but she did. She hurt her deep inside, where she had too many wounds that hadn't healed yet. _How can she do this to me right now? How can she think I'm still cutting, after everything I've promised? _She was really pissed. She couldn't even remember the last time she had felt that huge amount of anger towards someone that wasn't herself. Grumbling, she paced back and forth in her driveway.

Minutes passed, and she still couldn't find the strength to go back inside the house and calmly talk to her sister. Before she had made up her mind, rain started falling over her, and she decided it was time for her to do something. She opened the door resolved to give Melissa a piece of her mind.

Spencer couldn't even make two steps inside the house, when she started feeling dizzy, and before she had realized it everything was black. She felt her body hit the floor, her sister calling her name, arms slipping around her waist. She could have told how much time had passed, but suddenly weak arms were holding her shoulders and trying to move her. The only thing she knew for sure, was that she couldn't move, and it was one of the scariest things she'd ever experienced.

"Spencer, can you hear me?" That was a man's voice, but who was him? Why couldn't he stop talking? Her head hurt like hell, and she didn't want to talk to anyone. Pushing herself, she recognized him the next time he talked. "Spencer, I need you to try and open your eyes." Wren.

_Yes, I do. _Words formed clearly on her mind, but she couldn't make her throat make any sound. Or could she? Was that a groan? Yes, it was! Holding on to that thought, she tried to do it again. This time, it sounded more like a raspy whisper. "Melissa?"

"I'm here Spence!" A sweaty hand squeezed her arm, and she had to hold her tears back when she realized Melissa was really scared.

"Spencer, listen to me." Two strong hands held her head, moving it from side to side. That was Wren again. "Spencer, you just fainted, but I need you to talk to me because you hit your head in your fall." That explained the headache. "Spencer, when was the last time you ate?"

"Lunch."

"Did you do anything different? Over exercised yourself?"

"No."

"What about those cuts?"

"No."

That was when Melissa jumped in the conversation. "What about the cuts?"

Wren rolled Spencer's right sleeve up, showing not-so-healed cuts all over her arm.

"No." Was the only thing Spencer managed to say. She wanted to tell her sister that she hadn't do it again, that she was trying her best to get better. But her throat hurt, and she couldn't even ask for water.

"Did you do it again, Spencer?" Melissa sounded really pissed now. "You promised!"

"Scratching." She was doing everything she could to give Melissa an answer.

Wren was the first one to understand. "God, did you really reopened these wounds by scratching them?" He poured something on them, probably some medical stuff to make sure they were clean. It looked awful, how could someone do that without noticing the pain? Or maybe that was the reason why she did it. He needed to ask something, because there was a time when he loved the girl now lying in front of him and the remains of them made him care about her. "Spencer?"

"No, Wren." Melissa didn't even let her sister answer. She knew what he wanted to know, and she didn't want him to ask. She'd only called him because she didn't think going to the hospital would be a good idea, so she didn't want Spencer to start worrying about one more person knowing. "Spencer needs to rest, and maybe later if she wants to she'll explain you something. But not now."

Spencer had to close her eyes to contain the tears when she heard her sister protecting her. A sad smile formed on her lips. She just wished no one felt the need of protecting her. _How did I become so weak? _She reached for her sister's hand, and when she found it she just squeezed it, making her know she appreciated her help. Melissa, understanding Spencer wanted to be alone, took Wren's arm and looked at his eyes apologetically. "I'm sorry, I promise we'll call you later."

Wren stood up confused. Was he being kicked out? "Wait, what about Spencer?"

"What about her? She'll rest, and we'll call you later, when she wakes up again." Melissa wasn't the sweetest girl ever, but he'd hoped for her to at least treat him a little more thankfully. "Wren, really, I need to talk to her, and I can't do that if you're here, so…"

"Okay, I get it." Turning around, he walked to the door and closed it a little too hardly, making Melissa shake her head in disappointment.

"Thank you." Spencer whispered, squeezing again her sister's hand.

Melissa looked down at the sofa, and saw Spencer's tired face. Smiling softly, she kneeled in front of her and caressed her cheek. "Sleep, we'll talk later." After leaving a soft kiss on her sister's forehead, she stood again and reached for her phone, wondering if she should tell Emily. Without realizing it, she started pacing with the phone still on her hand, and finally she decided it was better not to worry the swimmer.

Moving silently around the house, Melissa went to the kitchen and found something to eat. She hadn't even finish her warmed-up soup when cries started coming from where Spencer was sleeping. Quickly, she ran, just to see her little sister shaking and scratching her arms in her sleep. Trying to stop her, Melissa shouted her name. "Spencer!"

It took a few more tries, but at the end Spencer opened her eyes and sat, looking at Melissa questioningly. When she remembered her dream, she stared down at her hands ashamed. "I'm sorry", she muted.

"You don't have to be sorry, it was just a nightmare." Melissa sat next to her sister, taking her face between her hands and forcing her to look up at her eyes. "Everything's okay, I'm here and it was just a dream. Understood?" Spencer nodded, feeling still dizzy from her nightmare, but at least she was thankful Wren had wrapped up her arms, or she'd be bleeding at that moment. Melissa looked around and their mother's car pulling up at their driveway, and pressured to take Spencer's hand and make her walk to the kitchen. "Pretend you're eating that soup, and if she says something just tell her you're not feeling well and I came here to take care of you, okay?" Spencer nodded again, and sat down in front of the plate her sister had been eating from only a few minutes ago.

"Spencer?" Veronica Hastings opened the door and walked in with her purse in her hands, looking around for her daughter. "Melissa, you still here?" She was still surprised at the fact that Melissa had been spending most of her time at the house, barely sleeping in her apartment any more, but she hoped it had something to do with her daughters being friendly now.

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling well so I called her and she offered to take care of me." Spencer answered her mother's question, knowing that her voice sounded like she really was ill. Actually, Veronica felt so convinced that tried to put her hand in her forehead to test her temperature, but Spencer quickly pulled away.

"Mom, it's just the flu or something like that, don't worry too much about it." Melissa stepped between the two other women in the kitchen, trying to avoid an awkward situation.

"Okay, I'll be upstairs if you need me." Without any other word, Mrs. Hastings disappeared leaving her daughters alone in the kitchen.

"Thank you." Spencer repeated her previous words, thanking again Melissa.

"Why do you keep thanking me for being a good sister to you?" Melissa shook her head, taking an apple from the counter and biting it. "You know, I know she'd help you if she knew…" Spencer's head moved so faster that she almost fell off the chair, but the look she gave Melissa was completely readable. "Okay, I get it. You don't wanna tell her because you think she'll be disappointed, but I'm totally sure if she knew everything you'd been through she'd be really proud of having such a strong daughter."

Tears filled Spencer's eyes, and she looked at her plate for a few minutes. When Melissa thought she wouldn't say anything, Spencer opened her mouth. "I'm not strong."

Sighing, Melissa hugged carefully Spencer's body, burring her face between her soft hair. "I don't care what you say, you are the strongest girl I know and I won't stop saying it until you believe it." Holding her sister tightly, she felt her body trembling with sobs. Pulling away, Melissa formed a sweet smile and took Spencer's hand. "What do you say about watching a film in your bed?"

Spencer smiled too, whipping her tears away. "I say it sounds like a plan." Feeling better, she dared to walk by herself to her bedroom, where she took her phone. "I'm gonna text Em while you chose the movie, okay?"

"Nice!" Melissa walked upstairs with a huge grin, feeling like when they were younger and they would spend their time together as if they were best friends.

While her sister was busy, Spencer took her phone and composed two texts. One for her girlfriend, telling her what her plans for the night were and how much she loved her, and one for Hanna, asking her if she'd like a shopping trip on the next morning. It would be hard to hide her arms while shopping, but she didn't plan on trying anything on and she knew the best way of telling her blonde friend something important was by first getting her in a good mood. What could make Hanna happy than having someone whit her while she was trying thousands of fancy dresses? Smiling when she got a yes as an answer, she sat in her bed and looked at Melissa.

"I'm gonna tell Hanna tomorrow."

"Tell her what?" Melissa turned around when the DVD player was ready. Spencer's face told her everything, and she just nodded. "If you think it's okay to tell her, then it's okay. Besides, I know she'll try to understand, 'cause she's your friend and she loves you."

"Yeah, but what if she's angry at me for not telling her?" Spencer put into words her biggest fear about the whole topic.

Seeing Spencer was truly worried, Melissa sat down with her and stroked her back with her left hand, trying to comfort her. "If she gets angry, it won't last her for too long. We all know Hanna, and she cares too much about you to get angry at you."

Looking at Melissa, she saw in her eyes that she really believed in what she said, so she let herself fall down on the mattress, turning on her side to cuddle with her sister while watching a boring movie that soon make her close her eyes.

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AN: _So, that's it, hope you enjoyed your reading. I'll try to update in a few days :)_


	3. Don't think about it

AN: _I am really sorry for the delay, but life can be really tough. Anyway, thank you for all the alerts._

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Guess I use some real inspiration ;)_

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**Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing at all.**

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**Chapter 3: Don't think about it.**

Spencer was pacing around the shop, while Hanna was putting more and more dresses she wanted to try on on her arms. After what seemed like hours, the blonde turned to face her brunette friend.

"See anything you like?"

Spencer pretended to check a dress, giving her back to her friend. She hadn't thought it would take them so much the shopping part of her plan, but she would do anything to get Hanna in a good mood. "Nope…"

Hanna stared intently at her best friend's back, and put all the clothes she had in her arms in the first table she found. Taking Spencer's hand, she dragged her out of the shop, towards a café.

"Hanna? What are you doing?" Spencer looked beyond confused, afraid she had done something wrong. What if Hanna was angry now? Angry with her? Or worse, what if Hanna knew and never talked to her again?

"I don't think the point of this was shopping." Forcing Spencer to sit in a small table with her, she took her hand and squeezed it, making her friend look at her eyes. "Look, I know you need to tell me something, so why don't you start now?"

"I…" Spencer looked around, suddenly aware of how many people were around them. "I-I just wanted to…"

"Hello, beautiful ladies." A young waiter appeared next to them, winking at Hanna, and interrupted Spencer. "How could I help you?"

Spencer opened her mouth, but Hanna was faster at answering. "Two black coffees, thanks." The guy took his time to take note of the order, and winked again at the blonde before leaving. Turning again towards her friend, she smiled softly. "Continue, please."

"Yeah, well…" No one would save her this time, she knew it, and she knew she had to tell Hanna now that she was willing to listen. "I-I wanted you to know something…" Nervous, she started subtly scratching her right wrist, hoping not to bleed again. "Something… You know, about me."

Hanna's lips formed a tight-lipped smile, and her eyes followed worriedly Spencer's moves. The scratching sound echoed in the café, making Hanna unable of looking anywhere but at her friend's arms. "You know you can tell me everything, don't you?"

Spencer nodded, but the words wouldn't leave her mouth. "I did something bad." She looked down, ashamed, and Hanna moved her chair until she was able to hug her.

"Spencer, when was the last time you looked at a mirror and felt comfortable with what you were seeing?"

That question surprised Spencer, who buried her face between blonde locks. "I can't remember."

"Spencer…" Hanna felt the brunette shift in her embrace when she tried to hug her tighter, so she relaxed her arms. "Spencer, are you… Have you ever… Do you have a problem with your body?"

Spencer's head shot up and she looked at Hanna's eyes for the first time since they started talking. "Why would I have a problem with my body?"

"I don't know, maybe because you are always wearing an awful lot of clothes, and you look pale and nervous and skinnier, and you didn't want to tell me what's going on, and since I have my past… I don't know, I just thought that maybe you didn't want to upset me or something, but I'll always be here for you, you know?" Hanna cupped Spencer's face with her hands and kissed her forehead, trying to make her understand that she wouldn't get angry whatever she said.

"Oh, are you taken by this cute brunette?" The waiter appeared with their coffees, not bothering to hide the fact that he was obviously checking Hanna out.

"Yeah, I'm taken, but not by my friend here, so get lost before I have to kick your ass." She did her best to take back her mean self, and it seemed like she did well because the boy quickly backed off and left the girls alone. She turned again to face Spencer, and smiled reassuringly. "Continue, please."

After taking a long sip of her black coffee, Spencer inhaled deep and rolled one of her sleeves up. As she had feared, she was bleeding again because of all the scratching. Maybe taking off the bandages Wren had given her had not been a good idea. Before she could show one more inch of skin, Hanna threw herself to Spencer and pulled the piece of clothes down.

"Oh my God, Spencer!" Hanna's blue eyes scanned the place around them, her body tensing at the idea of someone possibly seeing what she had just seen. "That's worse than I thought, why did you not tell me first?"

"Because…" That was the moment where Hanna could get either angry or upset, but anyway it would be Spencer's fault. "Because I thought it was the same as what you did, you know?"

Hanna's eyes opened in shock. The same as what she had done? "How can you say that? I never hated myself, and you clearly do or did or I don't know, but it's not the same!" She shook her head in disbelief, too many feelings running through her mind. "How could you be so selfish, Spencer?" Spencer's eyes shot open, suddenly aware of Hanna's true opinion. She tried to find the blue eyes of the girl sitting in front of her, searching for any trace of kindness on them, but only found ice. "I'm sorry, but you didn't trust me and I don't think I can forgive that."

Before she could even realize it, Spencer was left alone again. Heart pounding fast, she looked around her. but she didn't see anything. Everything was a blur in her mind. Dizzy, she held onto her not-so-warm coffee cup. She didn't know what to do anymore. As usual, she had managed to disappoint someone who cared about her. Well, that wasn't exactly true. Maybe she didn't know what was the right thing to do, but she knew what she wanted to do. What she was dying to do, what her body was craving, what she needed. Her body trembled, and she felt the closest to lose control she'd felt in a long while. She was shaking so hard she couldn't put the cup back in the table, afraid of throwing it. And if there was something she couldn't have at that moment, it was attention.

Images flew through her mind. Every single possible way of doing it again was pictured in front of her eyes. How many cutting objects were there in that table? Was it worth to risk an infection? She couldn't do it. Not then, not there.

Emily. She should think about Emily. Would she like knowing that she did it again? Melissa and Aria. How would them react if they discovered she really was that weak? Neither of them would want her to break down again. Or would they? And Hanna. What would Hanna want? Maybe she should just do what people were expecting. Maybe she could just let people see her true self. After all, she was just a little, weak, scared girl.

She just needed to find the way of getting out of that place, maybe go to the nearest restroom. Yeah, she needed to get to the restroom, and there she could calm herself. Looking at her right, she saw the waiter that had tried to hit on Hanna, and remembered they hadn't paid for their coffees. She felt divided between the idea of living and the guilt of leaving without paying. Wasn't that illegal? But she couldn't go and talk to someone, pretending everything was alright. Silently, she took her coat and walked back into the mess of people that was the mall, feigning confidence.

Only 56 seconds later, she was finally alone. Locking the door behind her, she searched around for something that could provide her the relief she needed. Her skin shined with sweat, and her own reflection on the mirror scared her. _One more time, and I won't do it again. _She needed to convince herself that it was okay, although no conviction was really needed. She had already made her mind, so she was only looking for something that would comfort her. _Nobody will know, just do it and forget about it. _Inside her pocket, she found her keys. Taking them, she stared at one of them. It seemed sharp, really sharp. Could it be enough? She couldn't risk getting a huge scar, making a mess that someone could easily see. Closing her eyes, she pressed the key against her skin. Her hands started shaking, but she needed to do it. _Now or never, do it Spencer. _Her own mind was playing with her emotions. _Cut. _Blood rolled down from her wrist to her clenched fist. Sighing, she let her back rest against the wall, a soft smile spreading on her lips.

Regret. Shame. "Oh no, oh no, oh no!" Spencer started pacing, looking at the blood that was still running out of the cut. She had promised over and over again not to do it again, and what had she done? She started crying, suddenly aware of the meaning of her actions. Her heart was feeling heavy, and her unclenched hand reached for her phone. Shaking, she marked Emily's number. Her thumb hovered over the calling button, not knowing if that was a good idea. _I've already let my mind win me over, I have to call her before things get worse. _After cleaning her tears, she put the phone against her ear. She spoke before Emily could say anything, afraid that hearing her girlfriend's voice could make her lie. "I did it again, Emily, I need you to come before I do something worse."

Emily took more than a few seconds to calm herself, but answered anyway. "Where?"

"The mall." Spencer found Emily's voice cold, and started wondering if it'd be over between them now that she'd screwed up again.

"I'll be there in less than ten minutes. Meet me at the parking lot." Without any more words, she hung up the phone.

Putting the phone back in her pocket, Spencer noticed the leak of affection in the swimmer's goodbye. Quickly, she cleaned her face and her arm, and rushed out of the building, afraid of finding it impossible to go back inside without remembering all the feelings. In her mind, she was the weakest person she'd ever met, and she hated herself for that. Lost in her thoughts, she jumped when she felt strong arms wrapping around her waist. She relaxed after three seconds, recognizing the scent of chlorine always present on her girlfriend's hair. She didn't remember when she had started crying again, but she closed her eyes when she realized her whole body was shaking with strong sobs. Surely, they were making a scene, and even though Spencer was afraid of all the attention she was drawing to them, she simply couldn't stop crying.

"It's okay, I'm here now." Emily buried her face in brunette locks, leaving soft kisses whenever she found any trace of skin underneath them.

"Do you still love me?"

It took Emily all of her strength not to cry after hearing Spencer's broken voice. "How could I possibly stop loving you, Spencer?" She felt her girlfriend's head shaking in her chest, and she decided that maybe whispering about how much she loved her could help calming Spencer. "You should know by now that I will always love you, no matter what you do or say, because I can't imagine a life without you by my side." Spencer squeezed her, letting her know that she loved her back. When did their lives get so messed up?

Neither of them could tell how much time they had spent hugging each other on the middle of the parking lot, but when Spencer pulled back from Emily's body and tugged on her hand the air was already getting chilly.

They drove in silence until they reached Spencer's driveway. Nervous, Emily parked her car and unlocked the belt, turning to face her girlfriend. She rose her left hand so she could caress Spencer's hair. She'd always loved her hair. "Spencer… You need to tell Melissa, you know?"

"I…" Spencer looked at her lap, ashamed. "I'll tell her as soon as I close the door, I promise."

Emily didn't want to comment on how much Spencer's promises had mattered less than an hour ago, afraid of hurting her girlfriend, but she knew she had to make sure she would tell Melissa, who she was sure was at home and wouldn't let Spencer alone. Observing the nervous girl sitting next to her, she decided to give her a day, and first thing in the morning she'd call Melissa. "Okay…" Leaning forward, she tried to kiss Spencer, and frowned when her lips landed on her cheek instead of on her lips.

Without looking at her, Spencer opened the door and ran to her house, not looking back at her girlfriend even once.

Emily drove back in the road, not needing to think about where she would be headed to. When she saw Hanna's house, she abruptly hit the brakes. Without bothering to park the car, she ran to the door and started knocking. Her fist was ready to hit the door again, when she found a tinny girl looking at her with wide eyes. "Where is she?"

"Emily, you shouldn't be here, she's not okay."

"She's not okay, Aria? What did she do? What did she say?" Aria simply shook her head, surprised at seeing Emily yell. Sighing, she opened the door enough for the swimmer to get inside the house, and followed her upstairs without opening her mouth. When Emily reached Hanna's bedroom, she found the blonde girl crying on her bed. Half of her heart broke at the sight, while the other half couldn't forget that Spencer had cut again because of the girl now in front of her. "Hanna, what the hell did you do to her?"

"I didn't do anything, she's the one who's being lying to me, just like all of you! She didn't even trust me enough to tell me she was in trouble!" As if hearing Hanna's voice wasn't enough, she looked at Emily through puffy, blue eyes, making her shiver. They'd never before seen her that upset, and neither Emily nor Aria knew what to do. "She thought that my purging was the same as what she'd done!"

Emily carefully took a step forward, hoping her best friend wouldn't push her away. "Hanna…" Her voice was too weak, and only Aria had heard her between all the sobs. Shocked, Emily realized she was crying, too. "Hanna, I'm sorry for yelling at you, but I need you to tell me what you said to Spencer, 'cause she broke down again because of it."

That effectively made Hanna stop crying. "What do you mean with 'she broke down again'?"

Aria looked at both of them, afraid of Emily's answer. When Emily opened her mouth, she had to close her eyes and lean against the door frame not to fall into the floor.

"She cut again. At the mall, after you left."

Hanna hugged the pillow again, and her crying got stronger. "I called her selfish, and I said I couldn't forgive that she didn't trust me."

"Hanna!" Aria's squeal made both of them jump. "What were you thinking? She tells you that she has a problem and you hate on her?"

Hanna's eyes filled with both anger and shame, but the anger quickly won the battle. "Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm the stupid one here. I don't think, remember?"

Emily widened her eyes, worried about Hanna's answer. Did she really think that low about herself? "Hanna, that's not what Aria…"

"No, that's exactly what she wanted to say." Hanna interrupted her, looking directly at Emily's eyes. "Leave." Seeing her friends had no intention of moving, she threw the pillow she had been holding at them, and shouted, "Now!"

Aria and Emily ran down the stars, stopping when they reached the front door. "Do you think she'll be okay?" Aria worried about Hanna, specially knowing that it was mostly her fault.

"I don't know, I just hope she doesn't do anything she could regret later." Emily opened the door, motioning for Aria to walk out first. Sighing, she looked at the sky, seeing dark clouds approaching them. "A storm's coming."

"Another one?" Without saying anymore, Aria left with her head down.

Emily watched her friend leaving, and she wondered again when had their lives become that huge mess. Groaning, she walked to her car. Before she could reach it, rain started pouring on her.

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AN: _Short, I know, but it's hard to write about certain things without getting sad. I'll try to upload soon, but I can't promise anything._


	4. Blood's not what makes family

AN: _So, here's chapter 4, and I really hope you enjoy it... And I don't know what else to say, only that the words on italics at the beginning of the chapter are a flashback..._

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: I think Hanna was simply hurt, because she felt left out, and it hurts when your friends don't trust you enough to tell you something big... And it could have been worse if Spencer had told her that all of them agreed not to tell her. I would have been angry at first too, though I would have tried to understand. Anyway, people in real life who really think like that suck. And I'm glad you like the chapter :)_

_chiruri chikorate: Well, I think Hanna only needs time to think, but... You'll see how it goes, and thank you for your review :)_

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**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the fingers which typed this.**

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**Chapter 4: Blood's not what makes family.**

Lying on her back, looking at the ceiling, Spencer thought about her Sunday. Things were really getting out of her hands, and the more she thought about it the worse she felt.

_After leaving Emily in her driveway, she walked inside her house and found Melissa on the kitchen. No words were needed when the elder one saw her sister's puffy eyes. "Spencer?"_

_Crying, Spencer threw herself in her sister's open arms, not finding the strength to put her feelings into words. Minutes that felt like hours passed, and neither of them did any attempt of moving. It took them years to form that kind of bond, and even though it hadn't been formed under the right conditions, it was the kind of bond that nothing could destroy. Knowing that, Spencer found the bravery to tell her sister. Also, she had promised Emily, and it wasn't like she could break another promise. "I did it again." It was a mere whisper, but at least she had said it._

"_It's okay, I'm not mad at you…" What else could she have said? She couldn't be mad at Spencer, she knew she was really trying, but she didn't want to force her into telling her the reasons that brought her back to that dark place. She was about to say something more, when Veronica Hastings appeared on the kitchen. Worried, she looked at Melissa, asking with her eyes if everything was okay. When her daughter subtly shook her head, she decided not to ask. Instead, she decided to tell them what she wanted to tell._

"_Girls, can we talk for a minute?"_

_Spencer stood appart from her sister, trying to decipher her mother's expression. "Mom?" She looked at Melissa, who stared at her with the same confused face she was wearing._

"_This is hard to say, but…" Mrs. Hastings looked from one of her daughters to the other, finally finding the bravery to tell them. "I'm divorcing your father."_

_Both girls looked at each other shocked. Divorce? Well, they knew things weren't perfect between their parents, but after knowing that they stuck together through all the Jason-being-their-brother drama it really sounded weird knowing that there was something that actually could split them apart. Weird meaning shocking, astonishing, but most of all confusing._

_Slowly, Spencer was the first one to react. Shaking her head, she asked, "Why?"_

_Veronica Hastings fidgeted with the hem of her blouse, adverting her eyes from the girls in front of her. "Because sometimes love doesn't last forever."_

"_If you don't want it to last, then it won't." Spencer's factions sharpened while she huskily answered at her mother's statement. Abruptly, she walked towards the stairs, sitting right after making sure neither her mother nor her sister could see her. Sitting there, she rolled her sleeves up and traced with a trembling finger each one of the scars that had caused her so much trouble. It wasn't like she was really upset, her family had never been very affectionate. In fact, she didn't even know why she had snapped like that. Maybe she was really going crazy now._

"_Don't cry, she didn't mean it." That was Melissa. Wow, she had managed to make her mother cry… Impressing._

"_I've never been a good mother to her, I understand why she's upset with the notice… We'd been quite bad parents." Sobs were clearly audible from the spot were Spencer was eavesdropping, and it wasn't until that moment that she realized her mother was indeed crying._

"_She loves you, mom, it's just that she's not on her best right now, and you just need to give her some space."_

"_You sure?" Veronica's voice sounded insecure. Insecure as if she were deathly afraid of her daughter not loving her. For the first time in a long while, Spencer felt like her mother really loved her. Like she really cared about her, not only about her grades or her achievements._

"_Of course I'm sure, you're her mother." As always, Melissa knew perfectly how to treat her mother. Maybe because they've always had a better relationship._

_Steps sounded approaching Spencer's position, and she ran to her room. After her reaction to the news, she didn't want to have an encounter with Mrs. Hastings. Next day first thing in the morning, before going to school, she'd apologize, but not then, right after having a relapse._

Still lying on her bed, she heard two people arguing on the front door. If it had been a few months earlier, she'd run to the door to see who it was, but she felt like all the strength she used to have had abandoned her body. Weakly, she turned to face the door, lying on her side. With her hand, she found a blanket a covered herself, hiding her head behind it.

She tried to close her eyes, but bloody images of her wrist made her stay wide-eyed. She did her best to block the sounds in the house, until she heard the front door slamming. Sighing, she let her fingers trace her scars. Again. It could become a habit, it felt both good and bad to remember why she was where she was.

She remembered she hadn't had dinner when she felt her stomach jump. Had she even had lunch? She couldn't remember, the only thing she knew for sure was that she had talked to Hanna, and the next thing she could see was herself calling Emily, right before cleaning the blood from her fist.

The pillow below her head started getting wet. When did she start crying? It felt like tears were her best friends. She couldn't control them, they would appear at any moment. How was she supposed to go back to school the next day? How would she cope through the whole school without crying? How would she cope without relapsing again? It hadn't been that hard to keep from doing it when she had Emily and Melissa making sure she didn't have to do anything alone, though she felt like a toddler who needed a babysitter, but she had done it again at the first opportunity she had found. As she saw it, she was simply weak.

When she was finally feeling able to close her eyes, something hit her window. Scared, she sat up in her bed. The sound reminded her of all the times she had felt spied, and it made her forget that those times had ended. She cursed under her breath, realizing she hadn't turned off the lights and that she couldn't get near the window or whoever it was that was outside would clearly see her. Not like she would have turned the lights off if she knew about her visitor, 'cause she couldn't stay in the darkness without breaking down. Another something hit her window, and this time she saw it was a not-so-small stone. What kind of person would throw that against a window? They had to be crazy, unless…

Wondering if she could be right, she pecked through the window, and she saw them. There, standing under her window, blonde hair in a low ponytail, was Hanna. Her best friend. Feeling like she was about to start crying again, she tried to hide, but she was too slow. Their eyes met, and she felt like everything was going to be okay. She had come to apologize, hadn't she? Carefully, trying not to alert anyone with the noise, she opened the window and smiled at the girl looking at her from the ground.

"What are you waiting for to open the back door? It's freezing out here." Of course, Hanna was a little too proud to apologize outdoors, where anyone could see her.

Not knowing why she was acting so eagerly, Spencer ran to her kitchen and opened the back door. There, waiting for her, was the blonde. It hadn't been an hallucination. Before she could avoid it, strong arms were wrapped around her body, reminding her of how much it hurt to get her arms squeezed.

"Hanna…" No answer. Maybe because she had barely whispered. "Hanna, you're hurting me."

Faster than it seemed possible for an human being, Hanna took a step back. Looking down, she mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I sometimes forget about how it hurts too."

Softly, Hanna took one of the brunette girl's hands, and squeezing it lightly she found the courage to look into brown eyes. "I meant for what I said to you, I'm sorry for that."

"Oh, that's…" Nervously, Spencer forced her hand out of Hanna's. "Don't worry about that, you're right anyway. I'm selfish."

Hanna's heart fell to the ground when she saw that her friend really believed what she had just said. "Spencer, don't say that, I don't think you're selfish. We don't think you are selfish."

"Who is 'we'? My best friends, who are supposed to support me no matter what?" She looked really hurt, although deep down she was dying for hugging Hanna again and let things go back to normal.

"No, it's your best friends, who love you as a sister, because we are a family." Feeling her Spencer overthinking her words, she quickly added, "Not Emily, I don't think she sees you as a sister, or at least I hope she doesn't, 'cause I know for sure you two had sex and I don't think that's something Emily would do with a sister, or that's what I think, but I don't know anymore, because things are changing way too fast and I feel like I'm always the one who's left behind, and it hurts, you know?"

Spencer smiled at Hanna's rambling. Why did she have to be so cute? It was hard to keep being mad at someone like her. Sighing, she decided to give in, and hugged her friend without worrying about her scars. "If you promise to stop talking, I'll do an effort and forgive you."

"That's so unfair!" Spencer looked at Hanna with wide eyes. Unfair? "You know I can't promise that!" Both girls laughed careless, feeling free and happy. Until Hanna remembered why she had gone there. Her expression became serious, and she took both of Spencer's hands, this time making sure that she wouldn't get away so easily. "Spencer, I need to apologize for something more." Her blue orbs met brown ones, making her take a deep breath before speaking again. "I'm really sorry that I made you… You know, do it again. I didn't think about how I could hurt you with my words, and I'm really sorry for that."

"No, I'm the one who's sorry. If I weren't so weak this wouldn't have happened."

Hanna opened her mouth, thinking about what she could say to change Spencer's mind, but she knew it wasn't easy to make someone stop hating themselves. She decided it would be better to let her know that she would always support her, but Melissa interrupted them. "I thought I had made it clear that I didn't want you anywhere near my sister."

When Spencer heard her sister's cold voice, she realized whom the two people she that had been arguing on the front door were. "She just came to apologize, Melissa."

"I don't care what she came to do, I just want her out of here now." Her eyes never leaving the blonde girl in front of her, Melissa stood in the middle of the kitchen waiting for her to leave.

Sighing, Hanna kissed Spencer's forehead and whispered, "See you tomorrow at school."

Spencer didn't want Hanna to go. Specially not now, that they had solved everything between them. It isn't easy to find the kind of friendship where people forgives everything to each other just because the love between them is so big, but that's what they had, and for a moment Spencer had been deathly afraid of having actually lost it. "Love you, Han." That's all it took for Hanna to finally walk out the door, a happy smile showing on her face. Turning to face her sister, Spencer arched one eyebrow. "There was no need of being so hard on her, she really came to apologize."

"I know, but I trusted her once and she hurt you."

Spencer looked taken aback by those words. Angrily, she looked at her sister face and answered her coldly. "You are nobody to say who I can or who I can't talk to, and since she's one of my best friends, and I know for sure that she loves and cares about me, I won't stop seeing her."

Melissa really wanted to say something more, something that would make Spencer stop being mad at her, something that maybe could make her understand that she was only trying to take care of her little sister as she should have done before, but when she found the right words Spencer wasn't there anymore. Surely, she was in her bedroom, either hating on her or talking to Emily on the phone. Maybe even both.

Back in her room, Spencer thought for a second about slamming the door, but then she remembered her mother was probably asleep, and she didn't want to upset her even more. Locking the door, she walked to her bed and took her phone from her nightstand. Lying on her back, she dialed Emily's phone.

"Hey there, beautiful, I hope you are feeling better." Emily was always so sweet with her.

"Actually, I am." The line stood quiet for Spencer to explain herself, and so she did. "I had a little fight with my mom, and then another one with Melissa, but Hanna came over to apologize and everything's okay between us now."

"She did?" Emily remembered clearly Hanna's face when she had yelled at them, and she couldn't have imagined that she would talk to Spencer. Then, she realized what her girlfriend had said. "Don't answer that! Why did you fight with you mom? And what about Melissa? Did something happen?"

"Okay, if you want answers you have to stop with the questions." After such a long and hard day, hearing Emily's voice made her feel so happy she quickly forgot about everything that had made her sad. "My parents are getting divorced, and I don't know why but I didn't react as good as I was expected to, so I made my mom cry." She waited for Emily to tell her how wrong she had been, and when she realized she wouldn't judge her she explained the thing with her sister. "About Melissa, she just threw Hanna out, because she thinks she can decide who I'm friends with or something like that."

"Spencer… You know that they love you, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do, and I'll apologize to them tomorrow morning, but now I don't wanna talk about it anymore…"

Emily sighed. She hadn't fooled herself, she knew Spencer wouldn't want to talk about it, but at least she had tried. "So what do you wanna talk about, Missy?"

"I don't know, what about your day, cupcake?" Emily started laughing loudly, making Spencer ask annoyed, "What?"

When she finally could breathe normally again, she did her best to answer seriously. "Nothing, cupcake."

"Oh, seriously?" Spencer smiled to herself when she realized she had managed to make her girlfriend laugh. "Can't I call you cute names without you giggling like a schoolgirl?"

"You can call me whatever you want to, but I don't think food names are cute."

"Then what should I call you, honey boo?" Spencer heard Emily trying to suppress a giggle, and she had to do her best not to start laughing.

Emily took her time to carefully choose her words, knowing where she wanted to head the conversation. "I think it's hot when you call me 'babe'."

"Hot? I thought we were talking about cuteness…" Spencer smirked, deciding to tease the swimmer. "But if you want me to call you 'babe', then I'll call you 'babe', babe."

"Spencer…" Emily's husky voice alerted Spencer that her girlfriend was actually getting turned on, and she felt conscious of how inexistent their sexual life had become. "I think I need to go."

"Why?" Spencer suddenly felt insecure, as if she had done something wrong. "Don't go, please."

"Spencer, I…" After seeing each other naked more than a few times, Emily found herself blushing at her own words. "I think I need a cold shower."

On the other end of the line, Spencer blushed too. "You don't want me to… You know, do something?" She muttered before she became ashamed of what she had proposed.

"Something like what?" Emily sounded really curious, and Spencer thought she still had an opportunity to leave their chat as that, a normal chat between two girls. Suddenly, Emily whispered-yelled, "Are you seriously saying that we could have like… Sex through the phone or something like that?"

"I… What I said… It means whatever you want it to mean…" She felt all nervous, her palms sweating and her breathing getting harder. She really missed being intimate with Emily, but she hadn't realized until then. "What are you wearing, by the way?"

"I think I prefer the cold shower, this is awkward and I'd rather make you suffer until our date."

"And when would that be?" Spencer sounded disappointed, though she tried not to.

"Next Friday." Emily closed her eyes, waiting for her girlfriend's response.

"That's so not fair!"

"That's fair, 'cause I won't take you out on a school night, and now I gotta get into the shower before going bed, so… Good night!" Before waiting for an answer, and knowing that next day Spencer would probably be mad at her, the swimmer hung up the phone and took her clothes off, running to the shower.

Throwing her phone back on her nightstand, Spencer sighed and stared at the ceiling. She could wait until Friday, but could Emily? She knew it wasn't easy for her, and she felt guilty for putting all of that weight on the swimmer's shoulders. Before she could notice it, she had drown herself on self-pity, and when someone knocked at the door she jumped in her bed. She walked to open it, taking her time, and went back to her bed when she saw it was Melissa.

"Spencer, I came to apologize, but if you're still angry then I understand, and I promise I won't push you if you don't wanna talk to me right now." Seeing that she was getting no answer, she turned to leave.

"Wait!" Spencer called her, without looking away from her bedroom's ceiling. "Can you… Would you… Would you sleep here tonight?"

A soft smile appeared on Melissa's lips, who quickly walked to her sister's bed and lay next to her. After a few minutes of silence, she turned on her side and threw her arm around Spencer's waist. There, feeling safe in her big sister's embrace, Spencer finally managed to fall asleep.


	5. About dramas, arguments and making up

AN: _I have to say that I'm really sorry it took me so much to write this, but I have an actual excuse, so you can't blame me. Actually, my granny's at the hospital, so I've spent the whole week visiting her on that depressing place, and that was enough to take away any inspiration I could have. Anyway, I made it, so here goes chapter 5._

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Is it really too much that Melissa is protective with Spencer? :( Maybe since I'm a big sister too I understand the feeling of wanting to take care of someone and sometimes taking it too far, so I'm sorry if she seems a little too overprotective. Anyway, I'm glad you liked the chapter, and I hope you continue liking the story. :)_

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**Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything, because if I did things would have been really different in the season's finale (specially between Spencer and Toby).**

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**Chapter 5. About dramas, arguments and making up.**

Monday and Tuesday flew in front of Spencer's eyes, without her being able to stop the time. That would have been a great thing, stopping the time. But no, she couldn't. She apologized to her mother and talked things with Melissa. Hanna came over and they had an amazing afternoon, like everything had always been perfectly okay between them. Her last cut healed better than she had expected, although she had trouble to cover it. In the heat of the moment, she had been careless. She needed to remember that there were things she couldn't do, or she'd risk getting caught. But she couldn't pay attention to her teachers if she was always deadly worried of her sweater showing a little of skin.

On Wednesday morning, Emily woke up to her phone buzzing in her nightstand. It was early enough for the streetlights to be still on, so she sat up and rushed to answer whatever it was that made the phone buzz, fearing that something had happened. Something, as in something Spencer related. Closing her eyes as tightly as possible, she put the phone to her ear with shaking hands. After a few, long seconds, she realized there wasn't anyone calling her, and she put the screen in front of her face, confirming that she had a new text. Nervously, she tried to remember the yoga breaths Spencer and Aria tried to teach her long time ago, but the only thing that came to her mind was that maybe her girlfriend had finally crossed the line. Right when her mind started wondering about hospital beds and feeding tubes, she shook her head and forced herself to take a look at the text.

A loud sigh sounded on the quiet room, and relief would never be enough to explain the feeling that took over the swimmer's body. It was Hanna. She just wanted to tell her that Aria had appeared at her door crying for some "Ezria trouble" and that they should have a sleepover after school to make her feel better. A sleepover on a school night. That would surely bring her some trouble with her mother, after all those nights spent at Spencer's.

Lying back on her bed and closing her eyes again, Emily quickly fell back asleep. She was tired, after all. Studying, swimming and worrying were tiring.

When the real time to get up came, Emily found herself so tired that she kept sleeping after turning off the alarm. Groaning, she managed to keep her eyes shut during all the process, but after less than five minutes her mother appeared on the door, taking her covers off.

"Emily, honey, it's time to get up or you'll be late for school!"

"Can't I stay at home today?" Pouting, she looked at her mother through sleepy eyes, which made it harder for the older woman to shake her head, but she did anyway. Sighing, she threw her legs out of her bed and sat up, looking intently at her mother until the older woman decided she was awake enough to be left alone.

It wasn't until she was dressed and heading to the kitchen that she realized someone was in their kitchen, talking to her mother. Curious, she tiptoed down the stairs, until she heard a girl's voice. Running, she wrapped her arms around Spencer's body. When she felt the girl's body stiffen, she released her grip and muted, "Sorry."

"Don't worry." Spencer managed a smiled. She couldn't even hug her girlfriend without hurting, and Mrs. Fields had saw it. Hoping the woman wouldn't make any questions, she waved it away with a shrug and asked, "How did you sleep?"

"Not as good as if you were here." Emily pouted, and it made Spencer giggle and Pam leave the girls alone in the kitchen. It was a lie, and both girls knew it, but neither of them wanted to get into that. "So, why are you here?"

"Well, I came to say good morning to my girlfriend, because I missed her." Spencer smiled shyly and looked at her hands, making Emily wonder how someone so strong could look so fragile. "So, good morning." Emily took a step forward and pressed a lingering kiss to Spencer's lips, not caring that her mother could see them. When she pulled apart, Spencer stayed with her eyes closed for a few seconds, before she managed to ask, "What was that for?"

"For being so cute." Emily smiled and took an apple from the counter, cleaning it with water. "And that was also my way of saying good morning." Silently, Spencer watched Emily eating the apple, while Pam walked around the house getting ready for work. After washing her hands, Emily locked her eyes with her girlfriend and smiled sweetly. "So, did you get Hanna's text?"

"Yeah, I thought we could go do something after school, instead of stay at home, don't you think?"

It hurt Emily see Spencer being so insecure, so she moved until her body was just a few inches away from Spencer's, and whispered while taking her hands between hers, "You are so smart, Spence…"

Smiling, Spencer kissed Emily's cheek and pulled away quickly. "I think we should get going if we don't wanna be late for school."

"Okay, I'll go take my things and I'm ready." Smiling, Emily ran to her bedroom, putting her books inside her bag.

While Emily was busy getting ready, Pam entered the kitchen, watching Spencer staring out of the window. Carefully, she approached the girl and whispered, "Spencer?" When the girl turned to face her, she looked worriedly at her figure. She hadn't noticed it when she saw her earlier, but she had lost weight. "What was that about?" Instead of answering, Spencer tilted her head and waited for Pam to explain herself, though she feared she knew what she was asking about. "I mean, the hug."

"Oh, that…" Spencer fidgeted with the hem of her blouse nervously, searching for an excuse that wasn't too lame. "I fell down the stairs. A few days ago."

Worried, Pam put her hand on Spencer's shoulder. The falling-down-the-stairs was a huge lie, and she knew it, but she didn't know how to make the girl open to her. Before she could ask any more, Emily came running down the stairs and took Spencer's hand, taking her to her car. Mrs. Fields stood there, in her front door, waving awkwardly at the girls. She feared something was wrong with Spencer, and if she was right and Spencer was hurting for some reason, then her daughter was hurting too, and that was something she didn't want for Emily. Neither for Emily nor for Spencer.

In the car, the girls were in a comfortable silence, holding each other's hand until Spencer had to park her car. Once she had stopped the ignition, they looked around and saw there were almost no cars, so that meant they were really early. Smiling, Emily reached to put a lock of hair out of Spencer's face, leaving her hand on her cheek. Leaning on her girlfriend's hand, Spencer looked at Emily's eyes and whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too, Spence." Slowly, Emily leant forward until their lips were pressed together. It took Spencer less than a second until she was kissing back, their lips moving together. Softly, Emily's hand moved to the back of the other girl's neck, pulling her forward. They deepened the kiss, their tongues exploring each other's mouth. When they pulled apart, they had a goofy smile on their faces.

"We should go." Spencer whispered, sadly breaking the moment.

"Can't we skip first period and stay here?" Emily pouted, trying to convince Spencer though she knew it was a lost cause. With a sad smile, Spencer shook her head, and Emily pressed their lips together again. After what felt like hours they pulled apart, smiling goofily again.

Emily sighed and opened her door. "Okay…" Walking to the front of the car, she waited for Spencer to join her.

Holding hands, they walked to the school's entrance, where they met with Hanna and Aria. As they had expected, Aria looked seriously bad. Her eyes were red from crying, her hair looked as if she had been on a catfight and her clothes… It seemed like she was wearing Hanna's clothes. Once they were together, Emily hugged the small girl, and Spencer kissed her cheek.

"How are you?" Spencer asked, more for saying something than for knowing the answer, because Aria's look gave away everything.

"I've been better." Aria looked away, at the people walking around the school. She didn't want to talk about it and break down in front of everybody, she wasn't even ready to think about it.

"So?" Emily asked, too curious to contain herself.

Hanna glared at her, pulling Aria into a sided hug. She shook her head from side to side, careful not to alert Aria. By her eyes, the girls understood that it was better not to ask anything, so they started walking to their lockers. Once they were ready to walk to their classes, they met at Hanna's locker, where they agreed to meet at lunch and talk about their plans to cheer Aria up.

First period was torture for Emily. She kept looking out the window, wondering if Spencer was really as okay as she seemed to be. She looked happier than she had seen her in quite a long time. The swimmer really wanted to believe it, she wanted to believe it with all her heart, but she couldn't stop thinking that things couldn't get that good so suddenly. When the bell rang, she went to Spencer's locker, ready to walk her girlfriend to their next class, which they had together.

When Spencer saw her girlfriend approaching her, her face lit up with a huge grin. "Emily!" Beaming, she leant forward to press a chaste kiss to her lips. "Didn't know you were walking me to class."

"I wouldn't let my girlfriend walk alone when we share the same class." Beaming, Spencer took her hand and squeezed it. "And I wanted to talk to you about something."

The swimmer's sudden seriousness made Spencer stop in her tracks. "Yeah?"

"Spencer…" Emily didn't know how to bring the topic without hurting Spencer, but she needed to know. "Are you really this happy?"

"What?" Spencer looked around worriedly. What was supposed to mean that question? If she looked happy, maybe it was because she was feeling happy.

"I meant… You look really happy, and I just wanted to know if it's real or if it's just a façade, because if it's that then you can talk to me, you know?"

That was enough to totally erase Spencer's smile from her face. Her eyes found Emily's, and the hurt behind them was so visible that Emily immediately regretted having said anything. "I know I can talk to you, but you know what else I know? That I made a mistake, a huge mistake, and I'm still paying for it, but I'd really like if you all would let me the fuck alone, because both you and Melissa are driving me crazy with your nonsense worries." Surprisingly, she managed to whisper through the whole rant. After steading her breathing, she pointed at Emily's chest and added, "If you don't trust me, just say it."

Emily blinked a few times in order to keep from crying in the middle of the school. More than probably, they would be late for their lesson, and that would give them enough unwanted attention. "Spence, you know I trust you."

"Then show it." Walking away angrily, Spencer disappeared between the crowd of people.

Sighing, Emily walked to her class, her head low and tears trying to stream down her face. When she reached her class, she was late, as she had predicted. The teacher dismissed her when she saw her face, but told her not to do that again. Walking to her sit, she let her body fall down in her seat and searched for Spencer's face. Obviously, her seat was empty.

Second period was a worse torture for Emily. After spending one whole hour thinking about if Spencer was okay, now she was spending another hour worrying about how she had made her girlfriend upset. Trying to focus, she started to take notes about what the teacher was saying, but before she could even realize it she was only drawing little hearts with "S"s and "E"s inside of them. When the bell rang and she saw them, she realized she couldn't stand the fat that she had hurt Spencer, and she decided she'd find her and apologize, and one way or another they'd be in good terms again, because they loved each other.

After putting her books back on her locker, she made a quick search for Spencer on the usual places someone would hide, like the restrooms, but she didn't find the girl. The bell had rang minutes ago, and she was sure Spencer was still somewhere around the school. After looking in the lockers' room, she started thinking about asking Aria and Hanna for help, though she knew it wasn't the best moment. She had her phone in her hand when she thought about one more place, and even if it seemed hardly possible she knew she hadn't searched there yet.

Running, Emily reached the doors of the swimming pool and pushed them open. There, sitting in the grades, facing the water, was Spencer. Slowly, she walked to sit next to her, making sure to be loud enough to make her presence known.

They sat in silence for a while, until Spencer finally broke the silence. "You know, I came here because since it's an important place for you I thought you wouldn't search here."

Emily took her time to think about an answer. She had already made Spencer angry, and she didn't want to hurt her more. "Well, it seems like I know you well enough."

Sighing, Spencer kept her eyes locked on the water. It was hot in there, but she didn't dare to roll the sleeves of her blouse up just in case someone could see her scars. "Things are not always what they seem like."

"Maybe, but this time they are." Emily didn't want Spencer to continue talking. She had been trying to push people away for a while, and Emily had been doing everything that was on her hand to keep her from doing it, so she could clearly see that that was what Spencer was trying to do with her: pushing her away. Turning to face her girlfriend, she took a deep breath and opened her mouth a few times before finding the correct words. "Look Spencer, I know I hurt you and I'm sorry for that, but I love you and I will never stop worrying about you."

"So what am I supposed to do now? Just keep going knowing that you don't trust me?" Spencer turned to face Emily, and the swimmer wished she hadn't done so. Her eyes were red from crying, and her low lip was bleeding, maybe because she had accidentally bit herself. "I'm trying to change, to start living my life, but I can't do that if people keep reminding me that I'm just a weak, messy, stupid, little girl who didn't know how to cope when all of her friends managed to do so."

Shaking her head, Emily started crying again. "Spencer, are you breaking up with me?"

Shocked, Spencer stared at her girlfriend, crying in front of her. "Why do you say that?" After not getting a response from the swimmer, she realized her words had indeed seemed like a break up. Taking a deep breath, she put her hand on Emily's knee, which made the girl look at her. "I was just saying that I need you to trust me, to believe in me, because if you don't… If you don't believe in me, then who will?"

Carefully, Emily wrapped her arms around Spencer's waist and buried her face in her shoulder. Her fingers started playing with the ring on her left hand, reminding her of all the promises they had made to each other. "I believe in you, and I'm sorry I didn't show you, but I promise I'll try to do it."

Awkwardly, trying not to cry when her arms touched Emily's back, Spencer pressed their bodies together. "I love you, Em."

"I love you too, Spence." Tilting her head up, Emily made their lips meet, putting all of the love she had inside her heart in that kiss. All the emotions, the unspoken feelings, the desires of make each other happy for the rest of their lives, where interchanged in that kiss.

Pulling apart, they smiled at each other, and they knew that both of them had perfectly understood the message. The bell rang again, and they walking hand-in-hand to Aria's locker, where they had agreed to meet for lunch.

Hanna and Aria arrived together, and they walked to their usual table in silence. Once there, they started arguing about what to do. Spencer quickly zoned out, until she was brought back by Emily's hand on her knee. Trying to focus on the words falling nonstop from Hanna's mouth, she wondered if she had been asked a question. Emily's hand stayed on her leg, slowly wandering to the inside of her thigh. Surprised, Spencer widened her eyes and looked around, trying to see if anyone could see Emily's ministrations. The swimmer squeezed, and she turned to face the table again, sending her a glaze that made her smirk.

"So what do you think, Spencer?" The three girls were looking at her, waiting for an answer. Blushing, she looked at the table, making Hanna groan. "Can you at least pay attention? I asked you if you wanted to go shopping."

"Oh, yeah, sure…" Spencer couldn't think about anything else to say, since Emily's hand kept wandering near her inner thigh. Apparently satisfied, Hanna nodded and kept talking about what she wanted to buy and what they could do after. She kept doing her best to focus on her friends' words, but Emily was making her body feel on fire, warmth settling in her lower stomach, between her legs. Knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep a steady face, she caught Emily's hand and put it on the swimmer's lap, lacing their fingers.

When neither of their friends were looking, Emily turned to whisper on Spencer's ear with a husky voice, "Spence, I want you."

Those four words, with the swimmer's breath on her ear, made Spencer close her eyes and move away from Emily. Only moving her lips, she muted a short "stop it", but that only made Emily smirk again, knowing she was driving her girlfriend crazy.

When lunch ended and they had to go back to class, Emily helped Spencer to her feet, making Spencer blush under the gaze of her darkened with lust eyes. Holding her close, she whispered again in her ear, "I love it when you blush."

Spencer knew she would lose that game, but she didn't want to give up so easily. After all, she had always had a competitive spirit, and this wasn't different from her hockey matches. Only that at the end she could only win.

Since she had her next period with Hanna, Emily brushed past Spencer after kissing her cheek, her hands brushing her ass, making her shiver. Aria, seeing the interaction, smiled honestly for the first time on the day, and commented, "You'll give up before making it to the mall."

Blushing furiously, Spencer turned to her tiny friend. "What?"

"Nothing, just that I'll go with Hanna, so you and Emily can have some alone time." Aria smiled innocently and tried to walk past her friend, who rapidly composed herself and started following her. Feeling the questioning glance being thrown at her, Aria chuckled and asked, "Are you really that blind, Spencer?"

Confused, Spencer took Aria's wrist and made her stop. "What are you saying?"

Groaning, Aria turned and looked at her friend, trying to figure out the better way of breaking the news to her. "Okay, first of all, I'm just saying this because we are best friends and I love you, so you have to promise me you won't get angry, okay?" Spencer nodded, too confused to say anything. "Well, so now that I made that clear, don't you see that Emily's dying because you don't wanna do anything with her, after months of having sex almost every day?"

Spencer opened and closed her mouth a few times, not knowing what to say. She knew Emily was willing to wait until she felt good enough with herself, so she couldn't understand why Aria was saying that. Had Emily said anything to them? She needed to know. "Did… did she say anything about it?"

Realizing Spencer was really worried about the subject, Aria decided to tell her the truth. "Not that she needed to, but yeah, she did." Seeing the worry on her friend's eyes, she quickly added, "But I wasn't supposed to tell you this, so you can't say anything."

"And what am I supposed to do now, then?" Spencer looked around them, seeing people walking to their classes oblivious to what they were talking about.

"God, Spencer, it's really easy!" Aria stepped closer to the taller girl, so she could whisper without fearing anyone hearing them. "She loves you and you love her, that's all. We know you've been through a lot, but that only made your love grow, so I don't understand why you don't wanna show her how much love you have inside of that skinny body."

"I…" Nervous, Spencer looked at her shoes, realizing she hadn't been paying enough attention to her girlfriend. "I just don't feel comfortable with… You know, with being naked and those things, and… Sometimes my arms hurt, so... I'm just scared."

Smiling softly, Aria took Spencer's hand and started dragging her to their class. "You know what? This morning I thought it would be hard to see you two happily loving each other after things being over with Ezra, but I just realized that I love you both so much that right now there's nothing I could love more than for you two to be happy."

Frowning, Spencer archived in the mind the fact that Aria had said things were over between her and Ezra. Why hadn't she said something earlier? Maybe she just wasn't ready to talk about it, and if there was someone who could understand that people wasn't always ready to talk it was Spencer. "Aria?" Shyly, Spencer waited for Aria to stop walking, and wrapped her arms around her friend's body. "Thank you, for everything, I promise I'll talk things with Em after school."

After squeezing the taller girl, Aria pulled away and winked at her. "I don't think what she wants is to talk, Spence." Laughing, she started walking towards their class, hoping for the teacher not to be angry at them for being late, taking Spencer's hand to make her move from her place. "C'mon Hastings, you don't wanna be late!"


	6. I'm sorry that it's this way

AN: _Finally, some lady loving. Actually, I had this tipped on Saturday, but I didn't want to update two chapters on the same day, and yesterday I was busy, so... here it goes! Hope you like it :)_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Glad you like the chapter :) Hope you like this one too._

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**Disclaimer: If I owned something, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.**

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**Chapter 6. I'm sorry that it's this way.**

After the last period's bell rang, the girls met at the school's door. Smiling, Spencer took Emily's hand and kissed it, leaning forward to whisper on her ear. "Don't say anything." Before Emily could ask her what she meant, she turned to Hanna and said, this time out loud, "Hanna, I'm sorry but I have to go by home to get my purse, why don't you get going and we'll see you at the mall?"

"We? Why do you need someone to get your purse? And why don't we all go together?" Hanna looked utterly confused, while Aria smiled knowingly.

"We, as in Emily and me, because I don't want Melissa holding me, so if she goes with me she'll distract her while I get my money and that stuff. And no, we won't go together, because we don't want my sister and one of my best friends arguing. Again."

Hanna seemed to understand her motives, and nodded quietly, remembering her last encounter with Melissa Hastings. All of them knew that she had been essential for Spencer in the last times, but it didn't make her any less scary. "Okay… Just, don't take too long."

Smiling, Spencer took Emily's hand and started walking to her car, not wanting to seem too eager. When she reached her door, she took a quick look back and waved at her friends, seeing Aria winking at her.

"Can I speak now?" Emily looked at her girlfriend speeding down the streets of Rosewood, still confused about the whole conversation with Hanna.

"Yes, you can." Spencer smiled at Emily, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles.

"Cool, because I can remember you paying for lunch with your own money, so I don't get that whole getting your purse story." Emily stared at Spencer's face, trying to see if something was wrong. Surprised, she found everything seemed okay. In fact, Spencer had a mischievous grin on her face, and Emily loved it, though she couldn't remember the last time she had seen it.

"It's a good thing that your memory still works, you're too young to start forgetting things." Spencer smiled at her girlfriend while parking her car in her driveway. Opening her door, stepped out of her car and ran to Emily's side, holding the door open for her. When Emily was on her feet, Spencer closed the door and pressed the swimmer about the car, fiercely kissing her lips. After a few seconds, she took a step back and looked at Emily's face. Before the girl could say anything, she took her hand and dragged her to the front door.

Taking her keys from her jeans, Spencer opened the door to her house and took a look around her. As she had predicted, it was totally empty, which meant they were alone. Alone, in her house, with a bedroom, which meant a bed. Running upstairs, Spencer stopped when she reached her bedroom's door to see Emily following her closely.

"What is this all about, Spence?" Emily walked inside her girlfriend's room, frowning at the sight. She was used to Spencer's controlling personality, but she had never seen everything so incredibly organized. It was both fascinating and creepy.

Taking a few steps towards the swimmer, Spencer put her hands on either of Emily's shoulders, pushing her until the back of her knees found the bed. "This is about me, Spencer, wanting to make you, my fiancée, feel how much I love you." With a last push, Emily landed on the bed, looking up at Spencer's eyes while her own were darkening with lust while she realized what Spencer meant.

"Spencer, you don't have to…" Emily's words were cut by soft lips pressed against her own, making a moan scape her lips.

"Don't say anything, just let me do." Smiling, Spencer sat on her girlfriend's legs, straddling her lap. Their lips met again on a passionate kiss. Carefully, Emily tasted Spencer's chap-stick with her tongue, which made the girl gladly open her mouth and let their tongues meet. When she felt the need of oxygen, Spencer detached her lips from her fiancée's and started leaving open-mouthed kisses along the swimmer's neck. She felt the salty taste of her sweat, but she didn't care. When she bit on Emily's neck, the girl threw her head back and closed her eyes, moaning Spencer's name.

Feeling like the time was running against them, Spencer pulled away and took the hem of Emily's tee shirt between her fingers, throwing the piece of clothes away. Rapidly, her hands found the clasp of the swimmer's bra, throwing it somewhere near the previous clothes. Her mouth found a nipple, sucking and biting on it, while her left hand found a naked breast to squeeze. Emily's cries and moans were quite audible in the room, and Spencer hoped neither her parents nor Melissa decided to come back home sooner than usual. After a few minutes of taking care of her girlfriend's front, Spencer took her blouse off, revealing she hadn't been wearing a bra, which made Emily try to attack her chest, but Spencer pulled away.

"This is all about taking care of you, honey." Smiling sweetly, Spencer stood up and took her jeans off. Taking Emily's hand, she helped her to her feet and pulled her pants off too. Pressing their naked fronts together, Spencer pushed Emily back again on her bed, making her lay down. Putting one of her legs on either side of the swimmer's body, she started covering her neck and jaw with kisses. Finding her pulse point, she sucked until making sure of leaving a mark, and smiled at the sight. Deciding she liked it, she started sucking along Emily's front, leaving at least four big, red marks that would make the swimmer a little angry at her when she found them. Slowly, she started wandering down with her kisses, reaching Emily's stomach. When her fingers tugged on her girlfriend's underwear, she felt strong hands pulling her face up until their lips met.

With a shy smile, Emily nodded, making Spencer know it was okay to take the remaining piece of clothes off. Too nervous to properly think about what to do, Spencer pulled at the cloth and tore it off, which made Emily's eyes widen surprised. "Spencer…" Spencer's hands started caressing the swimmer's thighs. "That was… hot." Spencer smiled knowingly and took her own underwear off, leaning down to chastely peck Emily's lips.

"I love you, Emily." Suddenly feeling conscious of her lack of clothes, Spencer blushed.

Noticing her girlfriend's sudden blush, Emily took her hand to Spencer's cheek and whispered, "I love you too, Spencer."

Feeling the warmth of Emily's love take over her body, Spencer pressed their lips together again. Getting an idea, she sat back up, pressing the swimmer's body down when she saw she was trying to follow her, and said, "I want you to feel me, feel my love, in a whole new level." Smiling, Emily nodded reassuringly, and Spencer continued with her idea. "I want you to know how I feel, and… Just, let me show you." Slowly, she let her left hand travel through her body, to the inside of her own thighs. She drew circles on her clit, throwing her head back at the feeling. When she managed to open her eyes, the look on Emily's face only made her feel more confident with her plan. Teasingly, she put two of her fingers between her folds and started moving them inside the pool that had formed there. Smirking, she thrust roughly those two fingers inside of herself, making her moan loudly.

Emily's eyes were so wide that it seemed like they were about to pop out her face at any moment, and she felt unable of moving her body. Never in her life had she felt so turned on, and Spencer's movements were making her breathing harder with every single second of watching her. She knew a simple touch would throw her over the edge, and she didn't know if she should feel ashamed of that or simply laugh at the situation. When she saw Spencer taking her fingers out of her and moving them towards her own entry, she gripped the sheets and groaned at the feeling of being full. Just a few thrusts and the tension in her body was released. Screaming Spencer's name, she came undone, taking the neck of the girl and pressing their lips together in a breathless kiss.

"Spencer, that was..." Emily ended her sentence with a new moan when she saw Spencer taking the two fingers that had been inside of both girls inside of her mouth and sucking at them. Again, she took the girl's lips to her own, savouring their tastes. "God, I love you so much, Spencer..."

Smiling, Spencer kissed the swimmer again, this time chastely, and whispered "I know, Em, I know." Taking a glance at her watch, her smile fell and she added, "But I think we should be going before Hanna comes looking for us."

"Okay, just..." Wrapping her legs around Spencer's body, Emily rolled them until she was on top. "Just let me take care of something before going." Being careful not to touch Spencer's long forgotten scars, Emily started caressing her girlfriend's body. When she thought Spencer was ready, she thrust two of her fingers inside of her, noticing that if she had felt ashamed of her wetness then she couldn't think about how she'd felt if she had been Spencer. There wasn't a word to express it, since wet could never be enough to say it. Hearing her fiancée panting behind her, the swimmer smiled and felt proud of herself, for being able to cause that reaction. In less than five minutes, Spencer came undone gripping Emily's neck and kissing her fiercely.

This time totally breathless, they fell down on the mattress, turning on their sides to look at each other's face with a sweet smile. "You are so beautiful..."

Spencer smiled bashfully, and put a lock of hair behind Emily's ear. "You are the beautiful one, honey... You're skin's just so shiny..."

Pressing her lips to Spencer's nose, Emily stared at her girlfriend's eyes. "I'll agree that my skin is shiny, if you agree that your smile is simply beautiful."

"I could agree on that... But only if you kiss me." Smiling, Emily moved forward and kissed softly Spencer's lips.

Lovingly, they stared at each other's eyes until Emily's phone started ringing. Quickly getting up, she found it between her clothes and answered it. "Yeah? ... Sure... No, we're on our way... Just Melissa... Sure, will be there soon..." Hunging up, Emily turned to face her girlfriend and sighed, knowing they couldn't cuddle anymore. "It was Hanna, she wanted to know what took us so long, so I told her it was Melissa..."

"It wasn't that long, she didn't need to call." Spencer pouted, which made Emily giggle and kiss her lips.

"It was, sweetie, we've been here for almost two hours now."

Paling, Spencer sat up in her bed and looked at Emily's face. "That can't be possible..." Getting on her feet, she started pacing around her room, finding some clean underwear for Emily and throwing her clothes on. When both of them were ready, she took her girlfriend's hand and stared at her eyes, whispering, "We were supposed to only have 45 minutes before Melissa came home."

Blushing furiously, Emily squeezed Spencer's hand and whispered-yelled, "What?"

Silently nodding, Spencer sighed and started tiptoeing to the stairs. Looking around, she motioned for Emily to follow her. In less than three seconds, they were downstairs, and both of them started giggling when they saw they were alone in the house. Suddenly, Spencer saw a note in the kitchen's counter and took it, reading it out loud for Emily to hear. "Spencer, I'm leaving you two alone for a while. Next time send a text, because this is really awkward. Love, Melissa."

Widening her eyes, Emily realized they had been caught. Without saying anything, both girls walked hand-in-hand to Spencer's car, not opening their mouths until they reached the mall and found Hanna and Aria.

When she saw the girls, Hanna started screaming, yelling at them for being so late. Seeing neither of them could look up from their shoes, realization hit her, and when she opened her mouth it was too late for Aria to stop her. "I can't believe it! You two were having sex!"

"Hanna!" Slapping her friend's arm, Aria looked around them seeing that they had gained a few curious glances.

"Shut up, Hanna, we were just held up by Melissa." Spencer tried to close Hanna's mouth, but the mention of Melissa made Emily squeeze her hand, and Spencer giggled at the swimmer's blush.

"Spence!" Blushing even more, Emily frowned at her girlfriend, pretending to be angry at the giggle that had given them away.

Spencer smiled and pecked Emily's nose, whispering, "I'm sorry, you're just so cute when you blush..." Softly, she took her left hand to the swimmer's face and cupped her cheek, adding, "And I love you so so much..."

Feeling dizzy of love, Emily started leaning forward with the intention of kissing her girlfriend, until she was stopped by Hanna groaning. "God, can you two stop this post-coital interaction and move your asses? You make me wanna puke."

Sighing, Emily took a step back and glared at her blonde friend. "I'm sorry if Caleb's not giving you what you need, but don't get between me and my girl lips again."

Walking away, she left her girlfriend and her two other best friends looking at her back while she entered the first shop she saw. "What was that about?" Aria whispered worriedly.

"I don't know, I guess she really wanted to kiss me." Spencer shrugged, finding it both weird and hot when Emily acted rudely instead of all sweet and cute.

"Are you really that bad, Spencie?" Hanna pocked Spencer's cheek, making the girl turn to smile at her.

"Wouldn't you want to know." Winking, she followed after her girlfriend, leaving Aria laughing at Hanna's expression behind.

After a few minutes, Spencer found Emily looking at a blue shirt that surely would fit her perfectly. "What was that about?"

Startled, Emily jumped, and relaxed when she saw it was Spencer. Sighing, she started playing with the shirt between her fingers. "I'm really embarrassed that Melissa heard us, you know? I don't even know if I'll ever be able to look at her face without blushing, and then... I just don't like it when Hanna is always protesting because if we are too close or anything... I mean, it's normal, sometimes she's worse when she's with Caleb..."

Smiling at Emily's sweet rambling, Spencer carefully put her arms around the swimmer neck. She was getting better at being careful with what could hurt her, but maybe it was just because she was really trying. "You know I don't care what Melissa or Hanna think and say, don't you?" Emily nodded, and Spencer's smile grew bigger. "Just take it as a joke, and... You should get over the Melissa thing, because she'll be one of the maids of honor at out wedding."

Giggling like a 13-year-old, Emily tilted her head and asked, "At our wedding?"

Smiling, Spencer leant forward and whispered against Emily's lips, "Yeah..." Before she could say anymore, she found her lips tasting the cherry chap-stick Emily had applied while they were on the car. Grinning, the pulled away and took each other's hand the started searching for their friends.

Only twenty minutes later, Spencer, Emily and Aria were waiting for Hanna to step out of the dressing rooms.

Smiling, Aria leaned to whisper on Spencer's ear, "So?"

Frowning, Spencer looked at her friend. "So?"

Oblivious to their interaction, Emily leant against the wall, closing her eyes and humming. After making sure they could talk without interruptions, Aria asked, "Don't you have something to tell me?"

"What…" Confused, Spencer stared at Aria's face. After a few seconds, she took a shaky breath and whispered, "Are you seriously asking about me and Emily... you know?"

Aria chuckled surprised. "What? God, no!" She started laughing, and that attracted Emily's attention, who looked at them with a curious look. Without checking if they were still being unheard, Aria said, "I think you owe me a thank you, since I helped you solving your little big relationship problem."

Frowning, Spencer took a step towards Aria. "Emily and I didn't have a problem. You just reminded me that I needed to show her how much I love her, that's all."

Smiling, Aria took a step back and shook her head smiling. "Whatever." Turning around, she snorted and went to check out on Hanna, since she'd been trying a million dresses for over ten minutes.

Worried, Emily walked to Spencer, who was staring at the floor. "Hey, what was that problem Aria was talking about?"

"Oh, it was…" Blushing, Spencer kept her eyes focused on the floor. She couldn't tell Emily what Aria and her had really talked about, or she'd probably get angry. But at the same time, she knew she had to tell her, because lies were part of the past. Also, she needed to tell her, because she loved Emily and she knew she'd understand. "She just… After lunch, today… She kind of insinuated something about… You know, us, you, telling her you're not… satisfied?"

Now it was time for Emily to blush. Looking around, the swimmer leaned forward to whisper-yell in her girlfriend's ear. "Please, tell me that's not the reason why you took me to your house today."

Spencer released a breath she didn't know she had been holding when she saw Emily wasn't as angry as she had feared. Taking her hands, she looked at her eyes for a few seconds before answering. "Emily, you know that's not it, not at all…"

"Then, why?" The swimmer's voice, along with her hurt eyes, made Spencer thought that maybe she had been wrong about thinking Emily wasn't angry.

"Aria just reminded me that I've been focusing too much on myself these days, and that I've let you a little unattended. She just made me realize that she was right, and that saying 'I love you' is not always enough, so I decided I wanted to show you…" She looked again at Emily's brown eyes, and her heart fell when she saw tears already forming on them. Softly, she cupped the swimmer's right cheek with her left hand, caressing the skin there with her thumb. "I love you, Em, and you should know that you could have told me that I was kinda taking you for granted."

"She didn't have any right to tell you, you mean much more than sex to me. If I had thought that way, I wouldn't have stayed with you after everything we've had to be through." Unable to hold her emotions back, Emily started sobbing, which only increased when Spencer's arms wrapped around her waist. She rested her head on her girlfriend's shoulder, dampening her clothes. After what felt like hours, she pressed a quick kiss on the first spot of naked skin she found, and whispered, "I love you, Spence."

Stroking the swimmer's back, Spencer smiled and answered, "I love you too, Em."

They stood there hugging for a few minutes, until Hanna appeared breaking their comfortable silence. Angrily, she walked past them without saying anything, headed to a shop attendant she found near them. Quickly, Aria followed her, also ignoring the girls who started following them. When they reached Hanna, she was shouting at the redheaded girl in front of her while shaking her arms. "How the hell did you don't let the customers know about this?"

Scared, the unnamed girl looked around her, trying to find someone who could get her far away from the blonde teenager yelling at her. "I… I'm sorry, but… Our sizes hadn't changed, it must have been a mistake. Maybe… Maybe you took the wrong size."

Paling, Hanna shook her head. Murmuring, she took a few steps back and walked away from the shop, leaving Aria looking apologetically at the girl she'd shot at. Both Emily and Spencer threw questioning looks at her, but she simply shrugged and followed Hanna out of the shop. Holding hands, the girls followed her until they were at the restroom's door. This time, Spencer was the one who paled. Squeezing Emily's hand, she shook her head furiously. That was the place where she had relapsed, she couldn't go inside. At least, not then. Shaking, she felt tears streaming down her face, and strong arms wrapped around her midsection. Emily didn't know why she had reacted like that, though she could imagine her girlfriend's reasons, but she knew enough not to ask.

When she finally managed to control her sobs, Spencer hugged Emily back, wincing at the pain that caused her. Weakly, she whispered, "I want you to go with me to my next appointment." Emily's body tensed around her, and she felt the need of explaining herself. "I mean, with my… doctor. She wanted to meet you."

"I understood, don't worry." Emily smiled, burying her head between brunette locks. "Though I don't understand why you keep calling her doctor."

"I just…" Spencer sighed. It took her more than a few seconds, but she continued, "I just don't want to think about her as a psychologist, because that would mean that I… That I need her help."

"Spencer, it's not bad to need other people's help." Emily kissed her girlfriend's cheek, trying to silently tell her it was okay to use some help. They stood hugging for several minutes, until they remembered Hanna and Aria were still inside the restroom. Nervously, Emily took Spencer's hand and asked, "Do you think you can go inside?"

Without answering, Spencer took the lead and opened the door. There, sitting in the counter, was Hanna. Crying. Aria was simply hugging her side, but it seemed like it wasn't helping. The small girl threw them a glance, which meant that she wasn't happy for the awfully long amount of time it took them to go inside.

"Hanna? What's wrong?" Spencer took a few steps towards her friend, quickly forgetting about the reason that had been keeping her from going inside.

"I… I…" Hanna mumbled something that none of her friends could understand, too busy sobbing.

Sighing, Aria looked up at her friends and explained Hanna's words. "She said any of all the dresses she tried on didn't fit her, so she says she's getting fat."

Eyes widened, Emily looked at Spencer, who looked as surprised as she was. Nervously, Emily walked to Hanna, forcefully hugging her. "Hanna, listen to me." Since Hanna didn't look up from her lap, Emily put her hands on her friend's cheeks, forcing her to stare directly at her eyes. "Hanna, you are not fat." Her voice was serious, which made something inside Hanna consider her words. Emily, who saw it, kept talking. "You can't think that low about yourself, Hanna, because if you don't respect yourself then no one will do it for you." Without opening her mouth, Hanna nodded. "Now, I want you to think about how much Caleb loves you, and how much he doesn't care about if you're fat or not, which you are not." Slowly, a shy smile tugged at the corners of her lips. Nodding, Emily smiled too. "C'mon, clean your face and let's go have a coffee."

Now openly smiling, Hanna jumped out of the corner, quickly throwing cold water at her face, while Aria started whispering to her. While their friends weren't looking, Spencer pressed her lips to Emily's in a sweet, chaste kiss. Pulling away, she looked at her girlfriend with a proud look that made the swimmer beam. "I love you, Em, you're the best friend ever."

"I love you too, Spence." Smiling, she leaned to peck Spencer's lips, never getting tired of their softness.

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AN: _I forgot to say something! This is the first time ever that I'm truly happy after writing something M rated, so I really really hope you liked it. And that was all :)_


	7. Falling down

AN: _I honestly don't have any proper excuse to the long wait for this chapter, only that I've been tired and just not in the mood... Anyway, I know this is short, but I seriously hope you like it :)_

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**Disclaimer: I wish I were, but I'm not the owner of anything.**

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**Chapter 7. Falling down.**

"I'm sorry."

Lying on her back, Spencer tried to find Emily's eyes. "Why?"

Emily didn't move her head from where it was resting, her cheek pressed against Spencer's chest. She liked it, listening to her girlfriend's heartbeat; it was relaxing. Spencer kept running her fingers through Emily's hair, causing her to hum in response. Seeing that she was getting no answer, she insisted, "Em, what are you sorry for?" Again, no answer. Something that seemed dangerously close to a sob left Emily's throat, worrying Spencer. Carefully, she shook her girlfriend's shoulder until she shifted. "Em, answer me."

Emily couldn't ignore Spencer's demanding tone. She didn't even know how to start talking. What was she sorry for? "It should have been me, not you."

"What?" Spencer was utterly confused now. What was Emily insinuating? Closing her eyes, she hoped for her girlfriend not to say what she thought she was going to say.

"I was supposed to take care of you, and I totally failed." Tears started slowly streaming down her cheeks, so she closed her eyes too. "I'm the worst girlfriend ever."

"What?" Words were Spencer thing, she had won almost every argument of her life, but she didn't manage to form anything more complex than that. Shaking her head, she tried to think about the right thing to say. She owed that to Emily, after all the pep talks she had given her. "Don't say that, you're the best girlfriend I could ever dream of, and even if you were a bad girlfriend, it wouldn't matter because I love you."

Snuggling closer to her girlfriend, Emily wrapped her arms around Spencer's waist, moving until their faces were at the same level. "You shouldn't have done that." Brown eyes locked with brown eyes, and everything was even more confusing. Emily saw the question on Spencer's eyes, so she added, "Yesterday."

Spencer frowned, trying to remind what she had done the previous day. They had a calm day at school, had sex, went shopping, had some "Hanna drama", relaxed at Hanna's, tried to distract Aria and then slept cuddled. No, she couldn't remember what it was that she shouldn't have done. Everything was almost perfect, the previous day. It could have been, if it wasn't for the horrible reminders of her weakness, like when she couldn't walk inside the restroom, but with Emily she felt like she could overcome everything. Could it be when she asked Emily to go with her to her next appointment? She didn't think so, Emily seemed totally happy with the idea.

Emily tried to keep her face serious, but she couldn't stop the corner of her mouth from curling up. Spencer was too cute not to smile at the sight. The swimmer could see the thoughts appearing and disappearing in her eyes, and the way she was frowning make her want to kiss her forehead and wipe it away. However, she didn't. She stood there, waiting for Spencer to say something, because she knew Spencer didn't need her to explain her words. She would realize it, she was totally sure.

But Spencer didn't realize it. She was worried. She couldn't understand Emily's words. She shouldn't have done what? She knew it wasn't like her not to know things, she was supposed to know everything, and she didn't want to disappoint Emily, so she waited a few more seconds before finding the courage to ask. "I don't understand."

Emily felt Spencer's eyes scan her face for some kind of hint, which made her do a huge effort not to widen her eyes. Spencer Hastings was telling her she didn't understand her words. It seemed like life had really changed her. She took a deep breath, and looked anywhere but at Spencer's eyes. Bad idea, because she didn't have much to look at, facing the girl in front of her, specially not wanting to turn her face. Slowly, she spoke. "The sex."

Now Spencer was really confused. The sex? What the hell did she meant "the sex"? She had done what she thought Emily wanted, so she didn't understand what was wrong with that. Again, she repeated her previous words. "I don't understand."

That was the moment when Emily saw it. Spencer didn't know what to do with their relationship anymore. Just like her. It felt good, to know she wasn't the only one who was totally lost. Both of them had had previous relationships, but, as Emily was seeing right then, neither of them had been prepared for such a big amount of feelings involved. She saw tears forming on Spencer's eyes, and she knew she probably should say something. "Spencer, you know I love you, but I've been thinking a lot and I feel like you did it because you felt forced to do it, and… I don't want that to happen to us."

Spencer sighed, suddenly feeling tired. "But we talked about this yesterday."

"I know, but…" Emily looked again at Spencer's eyes, and what she found there scared her. Doubt. "Spencer, are you sure about this?"

Spencer's doubt became a fear the instant the words formed on Emily's lips. "Sure about what?"

Seeing that her girlfriend was hurting, hurt Emily deeper than anything's ever hurt her. She didn't even know why she had asked that. It was stupid of her. Probably the most stupid thing she'd ever said. And now she had to do something, say something. "I don't know, about us?" She mentally slapped herself. Had she really asked Spencer if she was sure about them? That sounded awfully a lot like a break up, and that was the furthest from her intentions. "I mean, are you sure about us moving so fast? Because… Because sometimes I feel like you're not ready, and I know you were the first one to propose, but still I… I'm just worried about you."

It took Spencer a few seconds to understand her girlfriend's words. "Emily, are you telling me that you don't want to be my fiancée anymore?" Even though she felt like she already knew the answer, she needed a clear confirmation. Even if it would probably hurt her.

Spencer's words echoed on Emily's mind, hurting her over and over again. How could Spencer think that she wanted that? Spencer could have understood anything, but… that? That only meant that she didn't know how to explain herself. "Spencer, no!" She wanted to reassure Spencer that there was nothing she wanted more than her and being hers, but at the same time she felt the need of giving Spencer the chance of telling her if she needed more time. Because lately she was feeling like they were moving too fast, and it was okay for her, because she loved Spencer more than anything in her world, but she didn't know how it was for Spencer. "Spencer, it's not that at all, I promise. I just… I just want you to think about it, and tell me that you're sure you want this, because we're becoming closer and closer, and I don't know your opinion about it."

Tears started falling from Emily's eyes, and Spencer wiped them away with her thumbs, softly caressing the skin on the swimmer's cheeks. "Emily, if you are okay, I am okay. If you are happy, I am happy. If you want to be closer, we'll be closer, and if you need space, I'll give you space." Suddenly there were too many tears for her to wipe away, so she softly pressed her lips against her girlfriend's forehead. "I've always been sure of everything around me, but one day life decided to start giving me some tough love. It hurt, but it made me understand that I knew nothing about anything. That everything I had thought was true wasn't anymore. However, there's something that I've always been sure of, something I'll always be sure of. I love you, Em, and if I was asked to choose one thing, only one thing, that I would give everything for, it's you." Carefully not to break the moment, she moved forward, hugging Emily, not caring about how it hurt to put pressure on her arms. "You're my only one, Emily, and I'm in love with you and only you." Painfully slowly, she leaned and pressed their lips together in a chaste, full of love kiss. Too soon for either of their liking, she pulled away, looking at Emily's eyes while adding, "But, if you think this is too fast for you, or too much, or if you want to try something new, or whatever… I'll do whatever you want me to do, even if it's to leave you alone, because the only thing I want is for you to be happy, even if I have to condemn myself for the cause."

Not even waiting for Spencer to finish speaking, Emily lunged forward, desperately pressing their lips together. "No, I don't want that." Kiss. "I just…" Kiss. "I wanted to be sure." Kiss. "That you're sure." Kiss. "About everything." She kissed her girlfriend one more time, before pulling apart with a huge grin on her face. Suddenly, she remembered something and kissed Spencer again. "And I love you too", she whispered against her lips.

Both of them smiled at each other, glad that they could talk about everything. Things were easier that way, talking. Emily went back to her previous position, her head resting on Spencer's chest, and Spencer went back to running her fingers through the swimmer's hair, softly scratching her scalp. Neither of them could tell how much time had passed, but they fell asleep on each other's arms, still smiling.

Later, it could have been either seconds or hours, a knock on her door made Spencer's eyes snap open. She felt warmth on her chest, maybe because of the love she had for Emily or because of the fact that the swimmer had her head still resting there and her arms loosely wrapped around her stomach. Lovingly, she took a strand of Emily's hair and put it away from her face, smiling at the sight of her girlfriend's pink cheeks.

The knock repeated itself, and Spencer turned to face the door, being reminded by her mother's figure that they had left the door open. Curiosity taking over her, she frowned. "Mom?" In the last moment, she forgot to whisper, regretting it when Emily snuggled closer to her in her sleep.

"Spencer, it's late." Fortunately, Veronica Hastings remembered to whisper. "Did you tell Pam Emily was staying here?"

Afraid she would wake Emily up she simply shook her head.

Mrs. Hastings shook her head too, worried. She had fully supported her daughter's relationship since the very first moment, but she didn't understand the sudden need they apparently had of spending most of their nights together. Actually, she was sure whenever Emily wasn't there, Melissa would spend the night at Spencer's room. Suddenly, a thought came to her mind. What if something was wrong with her daughter, and she didn't even realize? And if that was the case, for how long? When she saw Spencer was still looking at her, she sighed and decided to let the girls sleep. They could talk later. "Okay, I'll call her, sleep well." Leaning forward, she kissed Spencer's forehead and walked away, leaving the girl's mouth totally open.

Her mother had kissed her goodnight. Spencer didn't know whether to be happy or worried. She couldn't remember the last time either of her parents had kissed her goodnight, and now that her mother had kissed her she felt… weird. She wanted to think about it, but she was still sleepy, and the she wanted more to close her eyes and fall back asleep.

She couldn't remember when she had felt back asleep, but the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was Emily's face hovering over her. Smiling, she whispered, "Creepy."

Laughing softly, Emily fell on her back next to her girlfriend, and whispered, "Sorry."

Now it was Spencer's turn to laugh. "You are not sorry."

Giggling, Emily turned on her side, facing Spencer, and looked intently at her eyes. "No, I'm not. Actually, I wanted to kiss you."

Turning on her side too, Spencer's eyes moved downwards to the swimmer's lips. She bit her lower lip, feeling the need of roughly kissing her girlfriend. But instead, she whispered, "You can do it now."

Smirking, Emily started leaning forward, only having eyes for Spencer's lips. They were almost touching, when a cough interrupted them. "Spencer, can we talk?"

Spencer turned her head to the voice, seeing it was her mother. Again. Wondering what she wanted to talk about, she nodded. Slowly, she walked out of the room, but not before turning to smile at Emily. She followed her mother to the kitchen, where she poured a cup of coffee for both of them. Not liking the awkward silence between them, Spencer was the first one to open her mouth. "Well?"

Mrs. Hastings wasn't sure about the right way of approaching the matter, so she decided for the fastest way: asking directly. "What's going on, Spencer?" But Spencer didn't answer, which made her feel close to losing her nerves. Taking a gulp of her coffee, she added, "Something's going on, and I don't like it."

Shaking her head, Spencer tried to hide the fear that she was sure could be seen in her eyes. With a surprisingly steady voice, she said, "Nothing's wrong, and now I should go getting ready for school."

Veronica saw her daughter's intentions, and she didn't want to let her run away without a proper explanation. On the last moment, she took Spencer's wrist, and her eyes widened when she saw her face contortion in pain. Without even realizing it, she let her hand fall on her side.

Spencer's eyes closed, and she had a flashback to a very similar situation. She remembered Emily trying to stop her, catching her wrist and seeing what she had done. She couldn't even move. If she kept walking, her mother would surely follow her. If she turned around, she would have to explain. If she didn't move, she would have to talk, whether she wanted it or not.

"Spencer?" Veronica took a few steps closer to her daughter, who seemed totally lost in her thoughts. Worried, she took Spencer's right hand and started rolling her sleeves up. She didn't even make it to the elbow, when she had to stop. She couldn't stand the sight of seeing her daughter so broken, but what it hurt her most was that she was sure Spencer had trusted Melissa over her. "Spencer, we need to talk about this."

Crying, Spencer nodded in silence. After a few quite sobs, she whispered, "I want Emily."

Trying to comfort the girl, Mrs. Hastings put her arm around Spencer's shoulders and answered, "Sure, we'll wait for her to come down."

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AN: _Cliffhanger, I know! :)_


	8. Confession

AN: _I know, I know, it took me too long and this is a shorter chapter, and I would also say slower, but sometimes I feel like I don't even have to write, because I'm always falling asleep, so... I'm sorry, and I hope you like this chapter..._

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx__: I know it's not fair, but I looooove cliffhangers, so... Anyway, thanks, and I hope you like this chapter too :) xoxo_

_yccmflr: Thank you! Hope you like this chapter :)_

_yeah yey: Thank you for reviewing :)_

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**Disclaimer: Obviously, not the owner, because if I were...**

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**Chapter 8. Confession.**

Emily walked down the stairs to find a crying Spencer, embraced by a seemingly equally broken Veronica Hastings. Quietly, she wondered if running back and hide in Spencer's room would be a good idea. Before she could think anymore, she saw her girlfriend's pale face, tears streaming down her cheeks, shoulders shaking, and she knew Spencer needed her. She knew what was coming next, she had feared it since the very first moment she got to see how broken Spencer was.

Taking a few steps towards them, she found Spencer's eyes. Her heart skipped a beat then. She saw fear, hurt, self-hatred. She saw all the feelings she hated seeing on her girlfriend's eyes. She had to do her best not to start shaking. What was she supposed to do now? How to tell the mother of your girlfriend that you know everything she's been doing and didn't do anything? The mother of your fiancée! Not like she hadn't done anything, but still she felt like she could have done more. She knew she could have done more. She could be doing more right at the moment, like moving her feet and hug the love of her life. But her feet were frozen. She had to look again into Spencer's eyes to find the bravery to move.

"Hi?"

Mrs. Hastings turned around, releasing her daughter from her tight grip. She didn't know it, but Spencer had to close her eyes and focus on her breathing just so she wouldn't wince in horror. It hurt to be hugged, but it hurt more to know that she couldn't be hugged because the physical pain could be too much to hide it. Veronica, oblivious to all of that, put her hand around Spencer's shoulder, looking intently at Emily. "Emily, we need to talk."

At that moment, Emily felt like she could choose between two ways of reacting, and she liked knowing that she could decide for herself. She could pretend like she didn't know what was going on, or she could just take her girlfriend's hand and squeeze it, making her see that she would be there for her no matter what happened. Her eyes darted again towards Spencer's, and she saw that she had decided what to do before even knowing it. Carefully, she took Spencer's hand between hers, looking at Mrs. Hastings face while feeling the girl walk to her side. "Of course, Mrs. Hastings."

The swimmer's manners propped a small smile to appear on Veronica's lips. She was totally sure Emily knew about everything, and even if it wasn't the moment to feel happy, she couldn't do anything to stop the warm feeling that took over her body when she thought about how lucky her little girl was to have such a lovely girlfriend. "Please, I'm Veronica for you, Emily." She wasn't one for emotional talk, but she felt like there was nothing she wanted more than ask them about every single detail of their relationship when she saw how her daughter's eyes sparkled when she looked at Emily, or how they slightly swung their hands between their bodies. She felt like she hadn't been there for Spencer when she needed her the most, and now she was willing to do whatever it took to make up for all that time. With her hand, she motioned for the girls to take a seat at the kitchen's counter. "How long has this been going on?"

Spencer looked at Emily, and Emily looked at Spencer. Neither of them knew what to say. The truth? Sometimes it felt like they had grown accustomed to decorating their words until they were half lies that would protect them from anything. Emily didn't know it yet, but Spencer had been through most of her A memories with her psychologist, and the woman had told her that either she started changing her way of living or she'd never be able to get over all of the things that were still hurting her. As she saw it, the first step for that change was to start being honest. Not always, but a little more of honesty wouldn't hurt anyone, would it?

Emily didn't really know how to act, or what to do, so Spencer took over. After all, she was the one who had something to explain. "Some time…" It wasn't a lie if she just gave vague answers, was it?

"Why?" There's not a lot a mother can do when it seems like it's already too late, so Veronica decided nothing better than going straight to the matter. Besides, she knew Spencer well enough to say that she would try to avoid her questions as much as she could, so there was no need to help her.

"Because…" Spencer looked at Emily, suddenly realizing she couldn't tell the truth. But, the times when a bunch of crazy stalkers ruled her life were over, so why wouldn't she tell? Yeah, she resolved she would open her mouth and let the words flow, it couldn't be that hard. Emily saw all those thoughts flying through her mind, and nodded her head, letting her know that whatever she decided was okay with her. It still marveled Spencer how Emily could do that, read her mind, and then always be able to reassure her. Nodding herself, letting Emily know that she knew it was okay, she turned to her mother. "I… I was a little too overwhelmed by things, by life, and I… I wanted to feel in control about something."

Veronica looked at Emily, her eyes widened in shock. Horror. It wasn't until she heard Spencer say it out loud that she realized how out of her hands was everything. Her daughter had been overwhelmed, but about what? And she wanted to feel in control, about her life? She could tell that Spencer was nervous about her reaction, and she could see it on Emily eyes. Also, she saw something more on the swimmer's face, a threat, something that told her she would truly regret it if for some reason she hurt Spencer. She wished she could smile, but it wasn't the right moment. "Spencer, we… I need some time to think about this, but we're not done here… We'll talk at dinner, I'll call Melissa and we'll talk about this."

Spencer nodded. She didn't really wanted to talk, but knowing that she wouldn't be alone made her feel better. At least, she wouldn't have to be the one to explain everything, she could rely on Melissa if things got too much for her. Inside of her head, it was a shame to recognize that she was weak, because she was raised to be a strong woman, but now she saw life in a different way. Now, she understood life wasn't that easy thing she'd always thought it was. Deep lost in her thoughts, she started scratching her wrist. It hurt, but it felt way too good to stop. In her mind, she knew she should stop, she knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but she consoled herself thinking that if it was itchy it was because it was really healing, which was supposed to be a good thing.

Emily saw Spencer's scratching becoming stronger and stronger, and reached to stop her. It wasn't like she didn't know why her girlfriend's scars wouldn't stop bleeding, but she didn't like the idea of watching her without doing nothing to stop her.

Mrs. Hastings left them alone when she saw the interaction. She was sure the girls needed to talk, and maybe that was the best thing for Spencer.

When she was sure they were alone, Emily kissed Spencer's cheek, making the girl smile shyly. "Spence, you know this is good, don't you?"

Smile disappearing of her face, Spencer looked at her hands. "I don't know, I just don't want her to hate me."

"But she won't hate you!" Emily placed her hands on her girlfriend's shoulders, she stared at her eyes until Spencer felt the need to look into the swimmer's eyes too. "Spencer, listen to me. She is your mother, and she would never ever hate you, because you didn't do anything wrong."

Spencer started shaking, tears streaming down her eyes. It seemed like she couldn't stop crying, even when Emily was being nothing but sweet with her, trying to make her feel better. "But I am weak, I am a disappointment."

The swimmer closed her eyes, feeling the wetness of tears building up inside her eyes. "Everyone's weak in their own way, Spencer, you can't punish yourself for being human." Sometimes, she wished she could do something big, like writing how much she loved her in the sky, to make sure Spencer wouldn't forget, because with every passing second she felt like she was losing her, losing her girlfriend. Her fiancée. She was always trying, but she couldn't avoid thinking about all of her nightmares.

Sighing, Spencer allowed Emily to hug her, hiding her face in the crock of her neck. When she finally managed to get her sobs under control, she whispered, "Thank you, Em."

Emily chuckled, patting Spencer's back. "Hey, you don't have to thank me, I love you and that's what I'm supposed to do."

"Yeah, but I know you don't do it only because you're supposed to." Spencer smiled, staring into Emily's brown eyes. The love she saw there, the love she could always see there, would make her feel the luckiest girl on the world. At least that's how she saw it, because if Emily knew she would probably insist she herself was the luckiest girl in the world. Slowly, she leant forward and lightly pressed her lips against the swimmer's. "Would you like to go for a walk?"

"Sure!" Emily's body relaxed, and a smile tugged on her lips, matching Spencer's.

Taking Emily's hand, Spencer leaded both of them to the front door. She opened the door, and they started walking next to each other, quietly holding hands, reliving the events of the day. Both of them were worried about Veronica's reaction, but they tried to hide it in order to protect the other one. Emily was afraid Spencer would relapse if things weren't as good as they would be if she could be in charge of everything. On the other hand, Spencer was afraid of her mother's reaction more than she was of her own one. She knew whatever happened she had Emily, and Aria and Hanna, and also Melissa, so she truly believed she wouldn't feel the need of cut again, especially now that she knew what kind of feelings a relapsing would give her. Without even realizing it, they arrived at the park. Grinning, they looked at each other.

"Do you remember when we used to play here?" Spencer asked.

Emily closed her eyes, trying to focus on the images of them enjoying themselves. "Yeah, and I also remember the time you pushed that girl out of the swing because she wouldn't let you use it."

Spencer laughed, throwing her head back. She liked the warm feeling that took over her body, almost making her forget about how bad things had turned out for her. "Sure, and do you remember how you ran to help her and wouldn't talk to me for over a week, just because I didn't want to apologize?"

"You were a mean, young girl!" Emily shook her head, amused at how her girlfriend could make her feel. Bluntly, she kissed her, lightly drawing Spencer's lower lip with her tongue, before pulling back. "But I love you anyway."

"I love you too, Em." Smiling, Spencer wrapped her arms around the swimmer's middle section, feeling free for the first time since she had woken up that morning.


	9. Doubts

AN: _I know it's been a while, like a week or so? I don't even remember... Well, this is a really slow chapter (short, too), and get ready for some angst coming soon... Thank you for your reviews and alerts, and I promise I'll try to do something to update more frequently._

_Now, I really wanted to say something personal. My granny died yesterday, so that may be the reason why I found it so depressing to write this chapter. Anyway, I wanted to dedicate this chapter to her, because I know she was really sad the last time I saw her, and I know she wouldn't like this story at all because of the gay thing, so this is silly, but still... Well, güelita, wherever you are, which I hope is Heaven, this is for you. Te quiero, echaré de menos._

_And that's all, I don't wanna say too much... Enjoy!_

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**Chapter 9. Doubts.**

Friday morning, Emily woke up with a terrible headache. That afternoon, she was supposed to take Spencer out on a date, but she felt like it would end being a disaster. Maybe if they hadn't skip school the previous day, she wouldn't be so spent. All of the night, she had been turning from side to side, thinking about how Veronica knowing half the truth could change everything, and she considered telling her own mother. Anyway, everyone would know, eventually, if the scars didn't go away. After all of that brain exercising, she came to the conclusion that if Spencer's scars didn't fade away, both of them would have a hard time moving on, and she knew that one day they would want to forget about the bad things on their past and focus on their futures, but it seemed an impossible thing to do.

Groaning, she rolled over and looked at the clock, seeing she had woken up almost an hour early. If she closed her eyes, she could hear her mother making breakfast on the kitchen, and she could almost see her moving around, trying not to be too noisy. She smiled, knowing that she didn't need to tell her mother anything to get her full support. However, there was something else that was slowly eating her insides, and she needed someone to talk to. At first, she had thought about Hanna, because they were closer, but then she felt like Aria would understand her better, or at least she would do a bigger effort. Now, she wondered why she hadn't thought of her mother. Sighing, she threw the covers away, shivering in the coldness of her bedroom. She wished she could always sleep with Spencer's arms around her, but at the same time she wanted to slow their relationship's pace.

Skipping, she entered the kitchen, startling Pam. "Good morning, mom!"

With her hand on her sleeve, Mrs. Fields eyed her from head to toes, frowning. "What are you doing up so early?"

"I couldn't sleep, and…" Emily took a sharp intake of air, suddenly feeling not ready to talk about anything. Shaking her head, she convinced herself she had to do it. "I wanted to ask for your… opinion about something."

Worried, Pam put a cup of coffee in front of her daughter. She tried to find Emily's eyes, but she failed at her attempts, so she took a seat in front of her and softly said, "You can ask me anything, honey."

Emily looked up, at her mother's eyes, and knew that there was things they weren't ready to talk about yet, but knowing that she would make an effort was enough for her eyes to fill with tears. Nodding, she swallowed hard and asked, "Mom, I think we're moving onto things too fast."

"What?" Pam frowned, confused. For a few seconds, she simply stared at the table, trying to figure out what Emily meant. Then, she understood everything. Shaking her head, she took one of her daughter's hands between hers and squeezed, in an attempt to reassure her. "Emily, you need to know that you're being as fast as you want to be. If you need to slow down, you have to tell Spencer, because you owe her."

"I know, mom, but…" At that moment, she couldn't contain herself anymore, and tears started freely running down her cheeks. "Lately, things had been rough for her, and I love her, I really do, but sometimes I get the feeling that she wants this more than I do."

Mrs. Fields widened her eyes. "Are you thinking about breaking up?"

"God, no!" Emily shook her head, terrified that if that's what her mother understood then probably Spencer would understand the same thing. "It's just that I never take off my ring, but sometimes it feels really heavy and I don't really know how to tell Spencer that we hadn't even been together for one year and we're already engaged."

Sighing, Pam walked around the table, wrapping her arms around the swimmer's body. Carefully, she rubbed her daughter's back, silently telling her that it was okay to cry. "Emily, you won't marry just yet, you'll wait until you finish college, and then you'll have to find a work, so it'll probably take you a while." Slowly, she pulled away, whipping Emily's cheeks as she spoke. "You and Spencer love each other more than any other couple I've ever met." Emily nodded, and she continued her peep talk, "Now, look at me and stop crying." She forced a smile, and watched as her daughter mirrored her. "Good. Now, go shower and get ready for school, because your fiancée will be here at any moment and we don't want her thinking something's wrong."

"Yeah…" Emily nodded weakly, standing up from her chair. "Thanks, mom." Looking at the clock, she realized she only had twenty minutes left and ran back up to her room, quickly throwing her clothes on her bed. At least she was feeling better, and she wouldn't need to cancel on their date, though she would need her friends' help with it.

Humming, she hopped into the shower, being as fast as possible. When she was finally ready, she saw she still had a few more minutes, so she started drying her hair. She hadn't even finished when she heard steps on her bedroom. Leaving her hair as it was, she ran out of the bathroom, making Spencer jump when she took her hand and turned her around.

"Good morning, gorgeous." She whispered, lightly pressing their lips together.

"Morning to you too, Ems." Spencer smiled into the kiss, before remembering that Pam was downstairs and taking a step back. "So, about tonight…"

Emily smirked knowingly, and shrugged. "I'll pick you up at 7."

"No, Em, I…" Spencer looked around them and took Emily's hand, walking to the swimmer's bedroom. When she was sure they could talk without being heard, she whispered, "I wanted to tell you that today I have an… appointment, and since you said you would go with me…"

Nodding eagerly, Emily took both of Spencer's hands and smiled. "Yeah, sure!" They stared into each other's eyes, until Emily decided to ask something. "Wait, don't you have like an appointment hour for every week or something?"

"Well, she… She said I'm a little too controlling, so she likes taking me out of my comfort zone, doing these little things that she knows I don't like…"

"Aw, sweetie!" Emily cooed, cupping Spencer's face. "OCD much?"

Spencer frowned, taking a step back. "Emily, that's not something to joke about. It's a real disease."

Emily frowned too. Spencer had never talked to her like that, especially not about something so unimportant. Actually, both Hanna and Aria had teased Spencer about her controlling habits, and she had never snapped at them. "Wow, relax, I didn't mean to upset you!"

"I'm not fucking upset." Spencer's eyes snapped open at her harsh tone. She was even more surprised of her reaction that Emily was, but most of all she was confused.

Hurt, the swimmer shook her head. Turning around, she took her backpack and walked out of her room, then out of her house, not looking back at her girlfriend. It wasn't until she was on her driveway that she realized she was leaving her own house, when Spencer should have been the one to leave. Then, she also realized her mother would ask questions when she saw Spencer leaving alone. Sinking her shoulders, she stared at her feet and started walking towards their school.

It was their first fight, and Emily didn't know how to react. Surely, they had had a few disagreements, and when Spencer left without telling anyone she had been really, really pissed, but in that moment, walking down the streets of her neighborhood, she knew that this wasn't something that would go away with an apology. Things weren't easy, and they didn't really talk about it, so everything was a lot more overwhelming than it should be.

Communication. They lacked communication. Instantly regretting having stormed out of her room, Emily decided that she would talk to Spencer as soon as she was at school, and they would make a vow to talk things out. Maybe that would be the right way to keep their relationship strong. Then she saw the problem about her idea: she would have to tell Spencer she had doubts. Not doubts like she didn't love her enough, it was more like she was worried Spencer had given her the ring only because she felt weak, or because she was afraid the swimmer would leave her, or because Emily had cared so much about her that she was confused. But it didn't matter how many doubts she had, she still knew that they were made for each other, meant to be together.

Tiptoeing, almost hiding, Spencer walked to her car, worried about what would happen if Pam saw her leaving alone. There were so many question she needed an answer for, and so many thoughts that she couldn't understand. What if she had ran out of opportunities? She had grown used to the idea of having Emily always by her side, and she wasn't sure if she could make it without her. Of course, she would make an effort to try, because if she didn't do it Melissa would force her to, but she knew things would probably be too hard for her to stay strong. What if she relapsed? Again, what if she relapsed again. She couldn't forget that she had already relapsed once. For her, it was like a neon sign with "WEAK" written on it and pointing to the top of her head.

Now that she thought about it, she realized how much she missed it. Maybe if she did it just once no one would notice. Looking around her, she saw she was still at Emily's driveway, and started driving to her school's parking lot. In her drive, she didn't see any cars on the road. Or any houses, for that matter. The only thing she saw was straight lines, flesh, blood. Shaking her head, she tried to get rid of those thoughts, which were making her really consider the option of being crazy.

Spencer stopped her car, and saw Emily walking in front of the school's front door. That was the moment when she realized she wasn't ready to talk to her own girlfriend. She had to apologize, and even though a Hastings never apologizes, she needed it so badly her heart would stop if she didn't do it soon. Sadly, she wasn't that strong. Yet. She hoped one day she would be strong enough to apologize right after their fights, but when she realized what she was hoping for, she decided it would be better to hope for not having any fights.

She sighed, sinking her body on the driver's seat. She hated the mess she had become. However, she loved knowing that Emily that messy Spencer as much as the original Spencer. Her heart pounded faster at that thought, and she felt guilty for not being capable of swallowing her pride.

The sun rose second by second, and suddenly the image of a razor appeared on her mind. It would shine in the sun. Then she remembered. She threw herself to the glove compartment of her car, hitting her side with the gearshift in the process. But it didn't matter, because she had what she needed. There, hiding in a little, black, velvet bag, she had hidden a razor some time ago. She knew it had been stupid, but in the moment it seemed right. She couldn't even remember how many times she had used it, but she knew it was more than a few.

Hands shaking, Spencer rolled up her right sleeve and rested the cold metal against her skin. She thought about all of the promises she had made that she would break in that instant, but she consoled herself thinking that she had already broken most of them back in that mall's restroom. She thought about her mother's hurt face when she had realized everything, but it wasn't enough. Anything seemed enough, at least not this time, because she had probably screwed up the most important thing she had in her life. And she had hurt the only one who meant everything for her, too.

She closed her eyes, and pressed. Then slid. And slid again, because it didn't feel enough. And again. And again. And it started hurting, and burning. She couldn't think about anything, only the pain. But it wasn't that big of a pain, it didn't even make her cry. And suddenly her cheeks felt wet, and she was crying because she needed it so badly that she couldn't avoid it. She cried until her eyes hurt, she didn't know how many hours she had spent on her car. But she knew it had been hours, though. She looked down at her wrist, and the mess that she saw there made her smile. She had missed it, that was something she could never deny. What if she could never stop missing it? Her doctor said that could happen, and that scared her.

Someone knocked on the passenger's window, and she rolled her sleeve down. The door opened, and Aria's face appeared in her line of vision. "Hey." She mentally slapped herself for sounding so weak, but it was too late to change anything.

"Hey, do you mind if I sit in?" Aria sounded nervous, even shy, about being so close to Spencer. Emily had told her and Hanna everything, and they had waited until lunch period for Spencer to show up at class. When she didn't, they started worrying, and luckily or not, she had been the one to found her.

Spencer took a deep breath, calming her heartbeat, and nodded. Aria smiled and sat in, looking at the school's building.

"So, what are you doing here?" The small girl thought about making small talk, but she didn't have enough time until lunch period was over.

"I don't know, thinking?" Lie.

"About Emily?" The words escaped Aria's mouth before she could even think about what to say. Spencer nodded, not wanting to lie again. "You hurt her, you know?" Now she shrugged, thinking it wouldn't be a good idea to say that she already knew that. "But she loves you, and she cares, and she's worried. We all are."

"I'm sorry", Spencer whispered.

Silently, Aria nodded, just like Spencer had done before. It started raining. The bell rang, and Aria decided she could skip one lesson. This was more important to her than all of the lessons she'd taken on her life. Spencer was her best friend, and if Spencer was hurting, she was hurting too.

On the other hand, Spencer couldn't wait for Aria to leave the car. She hadn't even hid the razor back in its place, and she could feel it burning against the back of her thigh. She could also feel blood running down her wrist, towards her hand. Well, maybe if she got caught it would be for the best, who knows?

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AN:_ That was all. Cliffhanger? Maybe, who knows? Hopefully, I'll have two or three more chapters done by Monday. Thank you for reading!_


	10. Lies

AN: _Well, here goes chapter 10... It's kind of slow, and I try to focus on everyone's thoughts and feelings, so I hope it's not confusing or something, and well, I would define it as angsty, so... be aware! It took me more than I had expected, but I'm really happy with the final result, so I really hope you like it :)_

_I chose the title while listening to one of my favorite songs, which I thought of suggesting as a soundtrack for this chapter, but then I thought that it could send the wrong idea, so... Anyway, if you want to give it a try, it's Lies, by Marina and The Diamonds._

_KooshGID: Thank you, for both your review and it's contents :) Hope you like this chapter :)_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Okay, I don't know what to say... I'm both happy and sad that my chapters seem real to you, I guess... And I'm really really sad that it brings you back there. One day you'll have to tell me something more about this hidden side of me, I'd really like to know about it ^^ Thank you for your review, and I hope you like this chapter too :) Lots of loove :) xoxo_

_Enjoy the chapter! :)_

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**Chapter 10. Lies.**

Monday morning, Spencer opened her eyes to find a blood stand on her sheets. Worriedly, she searched for the surge, and she found all of the most recent scars on her wrist reopened. Sighing, she took a mental note that she should do something to stop scratching them before they were totally healed. Thankfully, Melissa wasn't in town, and her mother probably wouldn't notice if she herself put the sheets in the washing-machine.

She looked at the clock, and saw it was 5.15 in the morning. A few months ago, she would always wake up at that time, whether weekdays or weekends, and go for a run. Now, she would just stay in bed, looking at the ceiling, wondering how to get herself out of the mess she was into.

Usually, she would think about what clothes to wear, and how to make sure her arms were totally covered, but not today. What if she skipped school? She didn't have Emily, and she knew Hanna would surely side with her. Maybe Aria would still worry about her whereabouts, but if the lack of calls along the weekend were any clue, she would have a looong, lonely day.

In that instant, she regretted having given Emily her diary. Where would she write now? Groaning, she rolled out of bed, reaching for her laptop. Closing her eyes, she focused on her feelings. Guilt, self-hate, loneliness, anger. She couldn't understand how on Friday she had made it to her appointment without breaking down, or how her doctor had tried to make her understand that she hadn't disappointed anyone but herself when she relapsed.

"_You must understand that you're doing this for yourself if you really want to get better, Spencer." The both elegant and casual look of the woman always made Spencer feel better. It had the perfect amount of her world, without falling in the preppy classiness that everything in a Hastings' life had to had. It was relaxing, different._

"_Will you tell?" It wasn't like the doctor's words had fallen on deaf ears, but Spencer still felt as if she needed the cutting to feel better, and after what had happened in her car she couldn't stop thinking that maybe she didn't need to get better. That, and that she couldn't wait until she was alone, to do it again._

"_Not if you don't put yourself on danger."_

"_Danger?" Spencer was confused. It wasn't dangerous. Not at all. She could control it._

"_Yes, danger. If I consider you could reach a non-return point, or if I feel like you could end in a hospital bed, or worse, I will tell whoever I have to tell." The doctor looked at her serious. She wasn't joking. Maybe she was being paid, but it didn't mean she didn't care about the girl sitting in front of her. Actually, she had learnt to like her curious personality. She was different, and she like it. "If this had happened last week, I would probably just tell your sister, but I have to say I'm really relieved I also can tell your mother now."_

"_Why?" Spencer tilted her head, not understanding why she would tell her mother. After talking to her for more than two hours, the only thing that came clear between the two of them was that Victoria didn't really care, and that she had been desperate to believe her daughter was over it. But maybe it only was because on Thursday she had also believed she was over it, that she was okay, that her mother had believed her words. Anyway, she couldn't see it. The only thing she saw was what she wanted to see, that her mother didn't care._

"_For two reasons. First of all, she is your mother, and she cares about you just as much as Melissa, Emily, your friends and I care." She made a dramatic pause, letting her words sink in. "Secondly, if things get out of your control, which I fear they will, then they'll be out of my control, and you'll need some… Total help."_

_Spencer thought about the real meaning of "total help". Her heart started beating faster and faster, and her hands sweating, and she started to understand what that implied. "I don't wanna end up in Radley."_

"_Then start showing it, or I'll be the one to personally send you there."_

Tears rolled down Spencer cheeks. It didn't matter how much she tried to stop them; she couldn't. She was afraid, and she didn't have anyone to tell her she would be okay. Her body started shaking, and she reached for her phone, quickly texting Aria to come over.

Ten minutes later, a tiny brunette was opening the back door to the Hastings household and running up the stairs. When she opened the door to her best friend's room, she only found a mess of sheets, blood and an open laptop. She didn't know what to do. Worried, she ran her hands through her hair, trying to think about where Spencer could be. Suddenly, tons of images from millions of films appeared on her mind, showing people drowning on their bathtubs, either after taking pills or after cutting themselves. She didn't picture Spencer as the pills kind of person, but the cutting…

The door to Spencer's bathroom shot open with a loud bang, and Aria found the girl where she had feared she would be. The bathtub. Only that it was empty of water, thankfully. Carefully, she took a few steps towards the mess that was sobbing in there. "Spencer?"

Spencer looked up, making her friend's heart sink. Her eyes were red, and her hands were full of blood.

"Spencer, what are you doing in there?" Aria didn't know what to do. Should she help Spencer out? It was hard, seeing such a strong girl being so broken.

"I was getting cleaned…" Spencer's voice sounded weak. She shook her head, realizing what a mess she looked like. "I couldn't open the water."

Aria sat in the floor, next to the bathtub, looking at Spencer. Maybe if she acted as if the situation wasn't awkward, then it wouldn't be. "Why?"

Spencer stretched her legs, looking up and closing her eyes. "I'm a mess."

"Yes, you are." Aria smiled sadly. Now, instead of awkward, everything felt sad.

Spencer wanted to cry, but she couldn't do it. She didn't know if it was because her eyes were dry or because the little pride she had left wouldn't allow her to cry in front of Aria. But Aria was one of her best friends, and she had seen her cry more than once, so she resolved that there was nothing left on her body of her old self. She chuckled, somehow finding it both ridiculous and funny. "I'm hurting Emily."

Aria nodded, but then she realized Spencer's eyes were closed, and simply said, "Yes."

"Everything would be easier if she would let me go."

Aria sighed, facing her friend. "She can't, she loves you." She bit her lower lip, feeling the need of asking something more. But she was afraid of the answer she would get, so she didn't know what to do. But she was even more afraid of what could happen if she didn't ask. "Spencer?" She didn't get any answer, but she saw the girl slightly move, so she assumed she was listening. "Did you mean…?"

"Yeah…"

Aria silently stood up. Without saying anything, she took Spencer's upper arms and made her stand up too. carefully, she started helping her out of her clothes. It wasn't awkward at all, it was like seeing a sister naked. Actually, it would be weirder seeing her brother naked. She forced Spencer to sit back, and she kneeled behind her, still out of the tub. Slowly, she started washing her friend's hair, scratching her scalp and smiling at Spencer's quiet humming. She wasn't sure if they would be late for school, so she tried to be as fast as possible, without forgetting that her main goal was to make Spencer feel better.

Fifteen minutes later and Spencer was sitting on her toilet, wrapped in a warm towel. Without any words, she allowed Aria to take her arms between her hands, and flinched when the cold water hit her cuts. It had been Aria's idea to cover them, and she realized if she couldn't see them, she couldn't scratch them, and if she couldn't even touch them, obviously she couldn't cut herself. Aria looked at her apologetically, but she shrugged, letting her continue.

When Spencer's arms were ready, Aria took her right hand and leaned her to the bedroom. There, she proceeded to dress her, as if she were her little sister, instead of one of her same age. Giving her a last look, she nodded, and looked up at Spencer's eyes, trying to smile.

With her left hand, Aria cupped Spencer's right cheek, and forced their eyes to lock. "I'm not letting you go, Spencer." She saw tears forming in the brown eyes in front of her, and she wanted to make them disappear so hard that it hurt. She hadn't feel so bad since things between her and Ezra ended. "I'll do whatever it takes to make you keep fighting."

Spencer nodded weakly, and whispered, "Shouldn't we get going?"

Aria smiled, nodding at Spencer's question, and waited until her friend was ready to leave. Once in the driveway, they took Aria's car, listening to some random indie song in their drive to school.

Twenty minutes into first period, and Aria had already written a long note, which she intended on giving Emily when the bell rang, explaining everything that had happened that morning. She knew Spencer wouldn't want her to do that, but something in her head was screaming her to do it. She looked at Spencer in the distance for the rest of the lesson, and the sight almost let her speechless. Being a few feet away from her, she could see her before fitting sweater looked now huge on her tiny body, and even if Spencer wasn't exactly short, she looked less tall than she used to.

The bell rang, and Spencer frowned when she saw Aria running to Emily. Was she going to leave her alone? Well, she would understand it, she wasn't easy to be around. She was depressing, tiring, pathetic. In her mind, she didn't need help, because she didn't deserve it, so she could totally understand why all of her friends would chose to ignore her. If she could, she would ignore herself too.

Oblivious to the thoughts that were running through Spencer's mind, Emily took the note from Aria's hands without saying anything. On Friday, she had tried to reach Spencer, but her girlfriend had ignored her. On Saturday, she talked to Melissa, and the young woman suggested giving her some space. Oh, how wrong they had been. On Sunday, they had briefly talked on the phone, and Spencer promised her she was doing totally fine. A huge lie, but Emily loved Spencer, so she trusted her more than anything, because she had never lied to her so blatantly. Truly believing that her fiancée was totally okay, Emily spent her weekend getting to know her fiancée better, reading the diary she had given her some time ago. While reading, she couldn't believe she hadn't done it before, because she was sure she could have helped her getting better. Also, she learnt so many things that she was still processing them. She barely slept, tightly hugging the little notebook to her chest when her eyes were too tired to stay open. As long as she could remember, it had been the hardest weekend of her life.

Walking next to Hanna to her next lesson, the swimmer started reading the note, feeling her chest tightening as she continued to read. It was a horrible feeling, knowing that she hadn't been there when she was needed the most. But even more horrible and frightening was reading that Aria thought Spencer was having suicidal thoughts. One thing was cutting, and other thing, entirely different and way a lot more serious, was really thinking about taking your own life away. She, growing up in a religious family as she had done, knew that God didn't accepts people who commit in Heaven. She herself wasn't really religious, and she knew for a fact that Spencer was more of an skeptic girl. But however, what if things got really out of Spencer's control and she ended up losing the opportunity to go Heaven? She had grown up hearing stories about repentance, redemption and forgiveness, so deep down she still believed in some of those things.

Once they reached their class, Emily gave Hanna the note, thinking she deserved to know. After all, they were best friends. Right then, the swimmer felt like school was a huge waste of time, since it hadn't prepared her for real life. Neither for A nor for coming out of the closet, falling in love with one of her best friends or dealing with her girlfriend's cutting.

Hanna felt like she would burst into tears at any moment, so she quickly stood up and asked the teacher for a hall-pass. She had thought she could deal with knowing about Spencer, but seeing that her friend was everything but okay was only hurting her more and more, and making her think about those days when she used to play with her health. Secretly, she wished she could talk to someone out of them about it, like Caleb, but she was afraid of what would be Spencer's reaction. Maybe, if she didn't discover that she had told someone, it would be okay, because it felt like they were back in the dark times of A.

Sighing, she turned to the left and walked towards the girls' restroom. There, she would hide in a stall and cry, like she had done more than once, usually after having purged. Now, she would just sit and hide her face in her hands, thinking about all the things that made her sad, which were quite a lot.

Thinking it would be empty, she opened the door carelessly, not worrying about what she could find inside. Once her eyes traveled around the room, she froze in her place. "Spencer?"

Surprised, Spencer turned around, finding herself face to face with her blonde friend. Suddenly, she realized what she had been doing, and tried to hide her arms behind her back, paling. "Oh, Hanna!"

Hanna frowned, immediately knowing Spencer was hiding something. "What were you doing?"

"Oh, uh, I…" Spencer looked at the floor, ashamed. She had been caught, but she wasn't sure if she could get away with a lie. Should she try? "It's itchy, you know?"

"Oh, I…" Hanna shook her head, feeling guilty that her first thought was that she had caught Spencer cutting again. "I don't think you should touch it…"

"Yeah, I know…" Spencer answered weakly. She looked around her, trying to find somewhere to hide for the rest of her life. Functioning slowly, her mind went through how she had found a razor blade in her backpack. Carefully, she put the instrument in the back pocket of her jeans, making sure Hanna wouldn't see it if she were to step closer. Shrugging, she added, "I just can't avoid it, you know?"

"Yeah…" Hanna nodded, forgetting about when a few minutes ago she wanted to cry. "It's just like when I couldn't avoid looking at myself in every single mirror, even if it was hurting me more…" Spencer mirrored Hanna's nod, and formed a half smile. "But I thought Aria had covered your… arms?"

"Y-yeah, she… She wrapped them, but I couldn't hold it any longer, so I came here…" She stared again at the floor, her eyes widening when she saw two red drops behind her feet.

Thankfully, Hanna felt like she should go, deciding to trust her friend. "Well, I'm gonna go back to class, before… You know."

"Yeah…" Spencer stared at Hanna's back until the door closed behind her, and hurriedly started the water. When she saw the mess that she had made, she started crying. Her doctor's words echoed in her mind. _If things get out of your control… _As the woman had predicted, things were totally getting out of her control. What if she really ended up in Radley Sanitarium? Would Emily still love her? She wasn't even sure if Emily loved her in that moment, so she feared even more what could happen if she finally lost control. If or when? Sadly, she knew she needed to reach the bottom, and that meant losing control.

Sighing, she finished cleaning herself and walked to the door. Before she could reach it, it burst open, and Emily's figure appeared in front of her. She looked deadly serious, and Spencer tried to find some kind of clue about if she still loved her or not in her eyes, but they were way too glassy for her to read into them.

"Spencer, we need to talk."

* * *

AN: _Cliffhanger, yeah! But I feel the need to say: Spemily is endgame, and sometimes things get hard in a relationship, but eventually it gets better if the love is strong enough, and if you have any doubt about how much Emily and Spencer love each other (sadly only in this story), then it's because I'm not doing things well, so..._

_That's it, I have the next few chapters totally planned, so if I find the time and the patience maybe tomorrow I'll update something more... but I don't promise anything! :)_


	11. Trust is vital

**AN**: _Hey there! I have to confess I had this written on Monday, but I thought waiting a while would be good, and at the end I almost forgot, so... Here it is! ^^_

_KooshGID: Thanks for your review, here goes more :)_

_Guest: C'mon, tell me more! Because your "more please"s are making me curious, and... You know you can say something more, don't you? Like if you liked (or hated) the chapter or whatever you wanna say... But thank you, anyway :)_

_tenseforspence__: I don't think the Spencer of this story is weak, it's more like she's convinced she's weak, but at the end she's stronger than she thinks she is, she just has a few sorrows hunting her... I tried to give Emily a little more of "story appearance" on this chapter, but it was hard because honestly I'm kinda used to focus on Spencer, so I'll try to write a little more about her, to make their relationship more understandable :) Thank you for your review, and I'm really really glad you like that my writing is descriptive, because sometimes I fear it could be too much, so... Yeah, thanks, and enjoy this chapter :)_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: You should be used to cliffhangers by now, honey ^^ I'm not really sure about what to say now, but I'm really glad I'm kinda helping you, though I'd rather help you other way, like in a happy one... But anyway, I'm happy I can do something for you :) Thanks for reviewing, and enjoy this chapter! Tons of love :) xoxo_

_I think this is one of the saddest chapters I've written so far, at least sad in a very different way, but anyway... Enjoy!_

* * *

**Chapter 11. Trust is vital. **

"_Spencer, we need to talk."_

Emily's heart started hammering against her chest as soon as the words had left her lips. She hadn't intended on being so straightforward, but when she saw Hanna's face she knew something was wrong.

When the blonde had exited the restroom, the first thing she did was looking for her phone, quickly texting Emily about her encounter with Spencer. Then, when she was back in class, they started whispering until their teacher asked them to stop talking and pay attention.

"_She looked like she was hiding something, but then we talked and she explained everything and she didn't look that secretive anymore…" Hanna leant towards Emily's ear, trying to keep looking at the front of the class, as if she weren't talking._

"_What did she said?" Emily kept talking notes, being capable of both listening to her friend and to her teacher, at the same time than starting to worrying for her girlfriend._

_Hanna looked around, making sure none of their classmates could hear them. "She said that… her things, they were itchy and she has trouble not to touch them… I think that was it."_

"_You think?" Emily's eyes widened, suddenly alarmed. Of course, she knew Spencer's habit of scratching her cuts until they were reopened and bleeding again, but the more she heard about it the more worried she was that it was just Spencer's way of hurting herself without it being so noticeable._

"_Well, yeah, she was kinda jumpy, but when I opened the door it could have been anyone, so I understand…" Hanna frowned, thinking about what could have happened if any other of their classmates had found Spencer in only God knows what position. "But then there was something weird…"_

_That was all it took for Emily's mind to start working at its highest speed. Something weird meant that Spencer had lied to Hanna, and Hanna had believed her because that's what she wanted to believe. But she wasn't Hanna, and even if she wanted to believe, she knew Spencer, and she knew she would lie to them again without any doubt. "What was weird?"_

"_Well, you know, when I was about to leave, there was this something in the floor, right behind her, that seemed a lot like drops of blood, but it doesn't have to be hers… I mean, we girls bleed a lot, like monthly and that, so…" Hanna started looking at her manicured nails, wondering if she could bit them without messing them, and finally whispered, "It doesn't have to be hers."_

_It doesn't have to be hers._ Emily repeated the words over and over again, hoping to eventually believe them. Right after opening the door, she scanned the floor, immediately seeing the blood Hanna had referred, and knowing it was Spencer's. Closing her eyes, she started wondering about millions of crazy options that would explain everything, knowing that none of them was true.

"Emily?" Spencer was scared, deathly afraid, there was no need on trying to hide it. She had been caught, she could see it in Emily's face, in how much it was taking her to say something.

"Your arms." Emily stood there, waiting for Spencer to make a move. Her heart sank when she saw her girlfriend's face falling, immediately knowing that she didn't want to see anything. But she needed it, because it was her fiancée standing in front of her after all, the girl she loved, totally broken. Swallowing, she managed to get her voice under control, before saying, "Show me your arms."

Spencer shook her head. "No." She had already been caught; there was no need of making blood out of it. Blood. she could feel it soaking her sleeves, making her instantly regret being so weak. One things was doing it at home, or in her car, and other totally different thing was doing it at school, where anyone could see. It was like taking drugs. She could have taken them at home, while partying, in her car or at the mall, but as soon as she did it at school, it wasn't that slightly okay anymore. It would mean that she was an addict. And then it hit her. she was an addict. An addict to the pain, an addict who couldn't survive a whole day without falling again. And she wasn't only hurting herself. Because that would be okay, if she only hurt herself, but she knew she was hurting everyone around her, and that wasn't okay. Not at all.

Emily saw it, realization appearing on Spencer's face. But it was too late, and she felt like she couldn't take it anymore. She was tired, sick of that situation. And most of all, she was hurting, and it hurt even more knowing that Spencer was the main surge of that pain. Slowly, knowing that the girl in front of her was following her every move, the swimmer reached for the ring in her left hand, and took it off. Spencer's eyes widened, but that wouldn't stop Emily for doing what she had to do. What she needed to do. Taking a step forward, she pressed the ring against Spencer's chest, making her girlfriend finally show her arms to delicately take the ring between her fingers. And then Emily saw it, the blood, and she understood that she couldn't do it anymore.

Spencer watched as Emily turned around to walk out of the restroom, ready to leave her speechless. Before the swimmer could open the door, she regained her voice. "Wait!"

Emily turned around, looking more tired than ever. Tears were slowly falling down her cheeks, but she wouldn't wipe them away. At least not in front of Spencer, because she wanted her to realize what she was doing to her.

Spencer waited for Emily to say something, and it wasn't until the swimmer shook her head and made another attempt at leaving her there that she found it inside herself to ask the question. "Are you breaking up with me?"

A sad smile appeared on Emily's lips, making her look even more miserable. When she talked, her voice sounded cold, instead of broken, but it was easier that way, because she knew that if Spencer asked her to take the ring back she would do it without any doubt, and she couldn't do that. "No."

"Then what?" Spencer wanted to shout at her girlfriend, if she could still consider her like that. But well, Emily had said it wasn't a breakup, so maybe she could still think about her as her girlfriend. Only, she being herself, needed to know what that would mean to them, because she couldn't stand not knowing, even if it were for a few seconds.

"I don't know, I can't trust you anymore."

Without waiting for an answer, Emily finally walked out into the school's halls. She walked slowly, secretly hoping for Spencer to follow her. For Spencer to make her believe that she would try harder. For Spencer to beg her to stay. But nothing happened, and when she was finally aware of what she had done and what it could mean, she knew that she couldn't go back to class in that state. She thought about skipping class, but she was a good girl after all. Closing her eyes, she sighed and let her feet drag her to wherever her body wanted to go.

She smelt it before opening her eyes. The chlorine invaded her nose, making her smile despite of what had happened less than five minutes earlier. Still smiling, she resolved she would swim for the rest of the school day. She could hear Alison's voice in the back of her head, telling her how lame it was to skip her lessons to stay in the school's swimming pool, but she had got over Ali's memory long time ago.

In less than ten minutes, she had made it to the locker room and was already in her swimsuit, ready to forget about everything. She took a deep breath and jumped inside the pool, feeling the cold water against her skin. She loved it, the feeling of her muscles tensing and relaxing, her brain erasing any thought that could have been bothering her.

Two hours had passed, but for her it felt like a few minutes, though she knew she had done quite a high amount of larges. Her lungs started to burn, and she decided to sit on the edge of the pool, maybe to rest for a few minutes before going back to swimming. Lying on her back, she let her legs inside the water and closed her eyes, enjoying the sounds echoing around the place.

She was so lost in herself, that she didn't hear steps approaching her. However, she felt someone sitting beside her, and her heart started beating faster when she thought it could be Spencer. That's why she didn't open her eyes right away, because deep down she knew it wasn't Spencer.

"Emily?"

Hanna. It was Hanna. Internally, she smiled, because she knew that meant Spencer had sent her, or at least talked to her.

"What are you doing here?"

As if she didn't know. All of her friends knew the effect swimming had on her, so it was obvious she was there to forget. At least for a while. "What do you think I'm doing?"

Hanna chuckled, moving her feet in the water. That made Emily curious, because she couldn't imagine Hanna letting her clothes get wet without turning into a drama queen. Opening one of her eyes, Emily couldn't but smile when she saw her friend sitting in a towel, her jeans rolled up and her shoes resting as far away from the water as possible. She saw Hanna looking at the water, taking a deep breath before talking. "Aria's with Spencer, you know?"

Of course Emily knew. If Hanna was there, that meant Aria was with Spencer. They were "Team Sparia" after all, weren't they? And besides, Aria was way stronger than she seemed like, and in that moment she was the best help for Spencer. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Hanna wasn't ready for that drama. She loved her friends with all of her heart, but she didn't know what to do, or what to say, in that kind of moment.

"We're making you take sides, and that's not fair." Emily sighed, sitting up and looking at her lap, ashamed of doing that to her friends.

"Oh, Em…" Hanna knew that wasn't true, because whatever happened she would still love both Spencer and Emily, and she was completely sure Aria would do the same. "We are not taking sides, we just divided ourselves in order to help who we thought we could help better."

Emily laughed lowly. Without thinking about it, she wrapped her arms around Hanna, hugging her from the side. "Thanks Hanna, that sounded really smart."

"Em, my clothes!" Hanna tried to escape the swimmer's grip, but that only made her start giggling at the blonde's fear of getting her clothes wet. Playfully, she pushed her friend away, being faster at standing up and walking to her shoes. After considering she was ready to be seen, she turned to Emily, seeing she was still sitting. "C'mon, Emily! School's almost over."

Smiling, Emily stood up, taking with her the towel Hanna had been sitting in. She wasn't ready to step out of the comfort the water provided her, but she knew that sooner or later she'd have to confront Spencer and their new relationship status. Sighing, her smile faded into a frown. She was confused, mostly about her feelings. There was no doubt that she loved Spencer, she would do anything for her, but deep down she felt like Spencer was no longer the girl she had fallen in love with, and she couldn't love someone who didn't love themselves enough.

Sometimes, when she was alone in her bed, feeling angry, she would think everything was Spencer's fault. Later, she would hate herself for thinking that, but maybe it meant something. She knew it wasn't Spencer's fault, not at all. If there was someone to blame, it was A. A, for stalking them, for hunting them, for hurting them, for internally break them down. But A was gone. Maybe not forgotten, because it'd be hard to forget, but gone. Now, Spencer had no reason to keep hurting herself, and knowing that there was no reason was what was hurting Emily more. Because Spencer had promised more than once that she'd try, and she wasn't. Actually, she was hiding to keep doing it. Cutting herself. Before Spencer, she had thought that was sick. Just as sick as Hanna's eating thing had been. Now, she couldn't understand neither of those things, but she was willing to try and make an effort, which she believed Spencer wasn't. How could she keep wearing a ring from someone who she couldn't trust? How would she, if she couldn't stop worrying about one day receiving a call telling her that her girlfriend was in the hospital, or worse?

Hanna tilted her head, narrowing her eyes at Emily's distraught face. She could see Emily was deep in thought, probably about Spencer. Cautiously, she took a few steps forward, putting her hand on the swimmer's shoulder. "Em? You need to change now…"

"Yeah…" Emily sighed, and walked inside the locker room, looking at the floor on her way.

Hanna sighed too, worried about her friend. Slowly, she walked to the school's halls, waiting next to the door she expected Emily to appear from. Less than a minute later, Aria and Spencer appeared walking to the front door. When she saw them, she waved them over, not waiting until they were next to her to ask, "Are you okay?"

Spencer knew it was obvious she wasn't okay, her red eyes and her pale face were answer enough for that question. After two hours of crying, Aria finally managed to calm her down, and reassure her that everything would be okay. She knew anything wasn't okay, but eventually it would be. She was totally sure. Because if it wouldn't be okay, then nothing was worth it anymore. And this, she saw it as the slap in the face she was needing, because now she understood why she had started fighting against the urge of cutting.

"She'll be okay." Spencer looked at Aria's eyes, silently thanking her for saying something when she couldn't find the words inside of her. Taking Spencer's hand, the tiny girl gave it a squeeze, before asking, "How's Em?"

"She's… " Hanna looked around them, trying to find something that would inspire her the words to explain Emily's state. Finally, she decided for being direct, straight to the point. There was no need of explaining where she had found her, or what they had talked about. "She's broken." Spencer nodded, she already knew that. Hanna exchanged a meaningful look with Aria, both of them mentally sharing how worried they were about their friends. She knew she shouldn't comment any more, but the blonde felt the need to at least give a piece of love advice to one of her best friends. "Spencer?" The girl nodded, and Hanna understood she could continue. "I won't tell you what to do, but if I were you I'd give her some time, and then I'd start things all over again, but taking your time, slowly, take her out for dinner, plan sweet dates for her, make her see that you care, win her heart over again… But most of all, try harder to, you know, get better…"

Aria shook her head, trying to make Hanna stop talking. They were friends with both of the girls, and they couldn't choose sides. If Emily was hurting because of Spencer, they should give her the chance to decide if she wanted to restart things with Spencer or not. Or at least that's how she saw it. She wouldn't like her friends talking Ezra into reconquer, because deep down she wouldn't trust him again.

Spencer was aware of all of that. She knew Emily didn't trust her, but she also knew that Hanna was right. She loved Emily, and she would do whatever it took to show her. Yeah, she would do it. She knew she had hurt Emily, but she promised to herself that it wouldn't happen again, even if her word meant nothing after all of the broken promises. She promised to herself that she would try to change, for herself, to be enough for Emily, and if she didn't want her back, or if she hurt her again, she would back off and leave her alone. After all, the first thing in her mind was Emily's interest, and she didn't want to hurt her more than she'd already done.

Mentally, she started thinking of all the things she'd do. She'd call her doctor, tell her everything, and ask for her advice. She would ask Melissa to go back home, to sleep with her every night, at least for a few days. Then she would talk to her mother, confess that she had relapsed and that she had lost Emily, and later if she didn't hate her she would ask for her help. She would also talk to Pam, tell her everything too, and ask for her forgiveness. It was Monday, and she thought that on Friday she could have everything sorted out. Maybe on Friday she could even try and talk to Emily, if the swimmer let her do it. After all, she said it wasn't a breakup, so maybe it wasn't over between them. At least not for now.


	12. All over again

AN: _First of all, I want to inform all of you that I'm putting this story on hiatus until mid June, since I'm on my last weeks of school and I'm so exhausted I'm finding it painful to keep my eyes awake all afternoon, and the little free time I need to spend it studying, so... That's it, I'll be back on June._

_KooshGID: I know, I'm bad, but I felt like Emily needed space, and Spencer... Well, she still has a lot of things to see. And I know, it sucks, but you'll have to wait to see what happens ^^ Thanks for reviewing :)_

_Breyanaxo: Okay, well, I'm really really really glad you're loving my stories :') In my opinion, the thing about Spencer is that she wants to be strong for everyone around her, so I really can't imagine her hurting her friends just because she feels vulnerable. That's why my Spencer hurts herself, because she needs to start caring a little more about herself, and this story is in a way her travel towards understanding. Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you continue liking this story :)_

_tenseforspence: I'm glad last chapter explained some stuff to you, I'm trying to pay a little more attention to Emily in this chapter too, though I still feel like Spencer's way a lot easier to write. Thanks for reviewing :)_

_yccmflr: You'll have to wait to see if Spencer really gets better, but I can assure you that eventually things will be better for both of them :) Thanks for reviewing :)_

_Oh, I almost forgot! For the second part of the chapter (you'll see when you reach it), I would highly recommend Over Again, by One Direction, as a soundtrack, and I know, they're cheesy and commercial and all of that stuff, but... Well, I still like them :)_

_That was all, enjoy the chapter :)_

* * *

**Chapter 12. All over again.**

Spencer sat on the chair and pushed on the floor with her feet, making the chair turn a few times. When it stopped, she smiled, feeling dizzy. It was Thursday, the sun was shining and she had almost convinced Emily to go on a date with her.

On Tuesday, she had gone to talk to Mrs. Fields. The woman's words would always be etched on her memory. She had hurt Emily, but Pam didn't hate on her. Instead, she supported her, she talked to her about how Emily's face would light up when she talked about her, and she made her understand that true love is worth fighting for.

"_I knew you were hurting my daughter, Spencer, but she loves you, you love her, and if she thinks you are worth of her love then I'm no one to say that you're not. These days, I've missed the shiny spark on her eyes whenever you appeared to drive her to school, and I know she's missed you too, but she's not ready yet."_

Spencer understood. She had totally lost control over her cutting, and she had hurt Emily on the process. Actually, right then, in front of her desk, she couldn't forget about how many times she had done it there. She wouldn't lie, it was taking all of her auto-control not to search through her things, take the first slightly sharp object and turn her arms into a bloody mess. But she needed to do it. Not for Emily, but for herself. Though deep down it was for Emily, because she only wanted to be someone worth of Emily's love.

She sighed. Melissa should be back in a few seconds. She had gone for a glass of water what seemed like hours ago, and Spencer couldn't stop thinking that maybe it was a test, and that she was waiting out of her bedroom's door, waiting for her to relapse, so she could storm into her room and shout at her. She knew she was just a burden for Melissa. When she called her, she could hear the disappointment in her voice. However, Melissa would never tell her that. She just took her things and drove back to the Hastings' household, ready to go back to holding her little sister at night.

_It had been hours, and she couldn't find it in her to take her phone and dial Melissa's number. Finally, she pressed the phone to her ear, waiting for her sister to answer her. "Spencer?"_

"_I need you, can you come for a few nights?" Melissa didn't need any more explanations. She immediately knew why Spencer needed her, and she didn't feel like discussing it on the phone._

Even if Melissa wasn't pleased about her behavior, Spencer couldn't stop smiling. When her sister arrived home, things were beyond awkward with their mother.

"_Good to see you, Melissa." Veronica Hastings smiled, pleased to have both of her daughters at home. "What do I owe the pleasure?"_

_Before answering, Melissa looked at Spencer, which Veronica saw but decided to ignore. "I have things to do in town, I'll stay for a week. Is it okay?"_

"_Of course it is, you know the barn is always ready."_

_At that, Spencer looked pleadingly at Melissa, not wanting her to stay in the barn. Smiling, Melissa took Spencer's hand and answered, "Actually, I think I'll just share Spencer's room, we could use some girls' talk."_

_Mrs. Hastings frowned, knowing that the "girls' talk" thing was a lie. However, she just made up an excuse and left the girls alone at the kitchen, not wanting to deal with her own daughters blatantly lying to her. Once she was sure they were alone, Melissa turned to Spencer, leaning forward and whispering, "You so owe me for me this, Spencer."_

Shaking her head, Spencer thought about looking for Melissa. Should she? Maybe she was simply busy, talking to their mother. What if they were talking about her? Curiosity took over her, and before she could even realize it she was tiptoeing towards the stairs. She saw her parents' bedroom door was left ajar, and carefully pushed it, seeing her mother was sleeping alone on the king sized bed. It was hard for her to remember that she would never see her father in the mornings. Then she remembered why she had gone out of her bedroom.

When she reached the stairs, she heard her sister talking to someone. "I said everything's under control, and you simply can't just pretend you care and step into our house, wanting to take her away."

For a few seconds, Spencer thought it was her father Melissa was talking to. That was until she heard the other person answering. Her jaw dropped when she recognized the English accent. "I understand why you don't want to talk with me, Melissa, but she needs help and I that's something I can provide."

Spencer took a few steps down the stairs, until she could see her sister's back. Silently, she sat on the floor, thinking that if she was going to eavesdrop at least she would do it being comfortable. "Get out of this house right now, Wren." Wow, Melissa sounded really angry. It made Spencer smile, knowing that her sister was being protective over her. Right after the smile had formed on her lips, her face fell when she heard her sister whisper-yelling, "She is okay, and if you think you know what's the best for her then you're deadly wrong."

After that, there was a loud bang, and Melissa turned around, her face softening when she realized Spencer had heard. Slowly, she walked to sit beside her. "I'm sorry you had to hear that."

"What does he know?" Spencer didn't care about apologizes, it wasn't Melissa's fault at all. Actually, it was all her fault.

"Nothing more than what he saw." Spencer frowned, and Melissa realized she didn't remember the day Wren had come to their home to help her. For a few seconds, she really considered not telling Spencer the whole truth, but there had been enough lies between them, and this was something Spencer needed to know. "But…" Spencer looked at her, waiting for an answer, and she felt nervous for the first time in a long while. "Apparently, your _doctor_ has been asking questions around Ridley, and someone contacted him, telling him that you _will_ go there, so he thought it would be better to take you there _himself_."

Suddenly, the smile on Spencer's face disappeared for what would be the whole day. She had trusted her doctor, and she had been betrayed. She had promised Spencer that she wouldn't do anything if she didn't get worse. And she lied. Like everyone else, she had lied to Spencer. She couldn't believe there was a time when she couldn't be lied to, when she was mentally stronger than everyone else. Everyone lied to her, everyone thought she was weak. Maybe because she was. She felt Melissa hug her, and it was then that she realized she had been crying. There was a time when she had been independent, almost a grown up woman. Now, she was like a child, she couldn't go a day without anyone by her side.

"Spencer, it's okay, no one is taking you there." Melissa rocked their bodies back and forth, not knowing what to do to calm her.

"What if…" Sobs stopped her, but she really wanted to say it, because if she didn't say it then it would stay inside of her, and right then there were way too many emotions bottled inside of her begging for being freed. "What if Emily doesn't want me anymore?"

There were so many things that Melissa wanted to say, so many things she wished would make Spencer feel better. But she knew her sister only needed to cry, so she sat there, hugging her without saying anything, until Spencer ran out of tears.

Emily looked out of her window from her position in her window seat. If anyone decided to appear, she would see them approaching the house. When she first sat there, she told herself it was to read, and took a book with her, but she knew that deep down the only thing she wanted was to see Spencer coming back to her.

It had only been three days without her girlfriend, but those three days had been hell. She had never intended to take things that far, so when on Monday's night she was lying in her bed, trying to sleep, and realized the whole meaning of giving a ring back to the person who gave it to you, her whole world fell down.

She had cried enough tears to fill a pool, but it never seemed enough. On Tuesday, while she was sitting on that same spot of her room, she saw Spencer walking down the street, and her heart jumped when she thought she would forgive her. But she had been wrong, Spencer didn't asked to see her. When almost an hour later she saw the girl leaving, her before happy heart sank, and she felt the need of start crying again. She would never forget the face of her mother when she appeared at her bedroom's door to tell her what Spencer had wanted.

"_Emily, dear, what's wrong?" Pam wrapped her arms around her daughter's torso. After a few minutes of silence, she decided to talk to her about Spencer, to let her know that she could talk to her now that she knew. "I guess you know Spencer was here…" Emily nodded, face still buried in her mother's hair, making the older woman sigh. "She came to tell me everything. About her, and about you. Why didn't you tell me that you broke up with her?" Again, she got on answer, which was making her feel more and more worried. "She truly loves you, Emily, and she'll do everything for you, so when she feels ready and comes back, please don't push her away."_

Emily shook her head. She had never broken up with Spencer. Her only plans had been to scare her, to push her to actually do something for herself. In only a few months, they had learnt to love each other, but at the price of not letting anyone else in, besides their best friends and Melissa. At first, it seemed perfect, even if their lives weren't the ideal ones, but it seemed like their relationship was what everyone wanted. Then, thinking about it, they were totally dependent of each other, and that wasn't good, especially at their age. Maybe they needed to see other people, or something. But she only wanted Spencer. In her heart, there was place for only one person, and that person was Spencer.

Then it was time for Melissa's speech. It had been short, just a phone call, and she barely had time to answer before the young woman hung up, saying that Spencer was getting out of the shower. At least, she was glad that Spencer had her sister back with her, so she wouldn't do anything crazy.

"_Emily, it's me, Melissa. I just wanted to tell you that I understand why you broke up with Spencer, but now I need you to know that she's determined to win you back or something like that, so if you're not interested then be careful, she's broken enough already."_

Again, people thinking that they were over. She had made it clear to Spencer that it was just a trust question, and the girl seemed to understand, so she couldn't see why everyone was thinking that she had broken up with the love of her life. They had to be crazy to think that.

Then Hanna texted her, asking if Spencer had talked to her yet. She found it weird, especially the "yet" part, but when she asked, she got no answer. She even asked Aria for advice, but she got nothing out of the girl, only that she was really stressed because both of them were her best friends and she didn't want to feel like she had to choose a side if they really broke up. Thinking about it, she was right. It was no fair for her friends, what she had done. But it was something they should have thought about when they first started dating. Now, it was too late for any of those things.

Suddenly, something hit her. Spencer wanted her back. But not like they had been before. Spencer wanted to start everything over again. Now, everything everyone had said to her made sense. Her mother, telling her not to push Spencer away when she came back. Melissa, with all that winning her back thing. Hanna, with her weird text. Actually, the weirdest thing was that Hanna hadn't told her everything when she had asked. She would have to investigate about that.

A knock on the door startled her out of her thoughts, and she almost tripped over her feet while running down the stairs. When she opened the door, she was confused to see no one was in sight, but when she went to close it, she found a single red tulip, with a letter behind it. She smiled, taking the flower to her nose, while holding the letter with her other hand and closing the door with her foot. Opening the envelope, her smile grew into a huge grin when she recognized Spencer's handwriting.

_Dear Emily, I love you. I know I didn't show it when I had the opportunity, and at first I thought about letting you be happy without me. But then, I remember that someone told me once that you can't lose if you don't play, but you can't win either. I don't see this, us, as a game, but if there's just one possibility that I can take you back, I'll do whatever I have to do. Please, consider this as an apology._

_Everything seems wrong when you're not with me. I know things hadn't been perfect between us, mostly because of me, but I'm willing to make everything that's on my hand to change. Someone told me once that if I didn't want to change for myself, I wouldn't get better, but there's nothing I want more than being worth of your time and your love, so that's why I'll do it. Because for me, you're my everything, and nothing makes sense when I can't love you._

_If you come tomorrow evening to the park, I'll be there waiting to give you a proper, verbal apology. If you don't come, I'll understand, but don't think for even a second that I'll let you go that easily. Consider yourself ready to be wooed by the one Spencer Hastings._

_Eternally and only yours._

Emily's heart started beating so fast that she was sure if she looked at her t-shirt she would see it. She was ready to be wooed, though there was no need to do it, since her heart was beating for, and only for, Spencer.


	13. Not jealous at all

AN: _I'm back! God, I've missed this so so so much... :( But hey, I don't really think you care that much, but anyway I'm gonna tell you what I did these days, so... I finished school, graduated, had a super not-that-cool party, did a 12 hours train trip to go see One Direction with a friend and got lost like a million times in a city way too big for us, then came back home, studying like crazy, did my university accessing exams and now I'm just sleeping all day and doing nothing while I wait for the results, which by the way totally hope will be great, aaaand that's all. Actually, I almost forgot how to use a computer after all this time without even touching my baby :(_

_This is a really happier chapter, or at least I think it is, so I really hope you like it and stuff, because it took me longer than usual to write it and still I don't find it as good as I'd like it to be, so... Yeah, I hope you like it :)_

_Breyanaxo: Yay! They're coming together, of course, but it's gonna take a while, I think. Thanks, and I'm glad you liked the chapter :)_

_tenseforspence: You don't have to thank me, they totally belong together (at least in this story they do)! Thanks a lot for your compliment, it really makes me want to write when people say they like the stuff I write :')_

_Craycrayforshay: I obviously hate school, but thankfully I'm forever done with it (until October), so I'll have lots and lots of time to write :) I'm so happy you're liking this story! Starting on this chapter, I'll try to make things a little happier, and it'll probably take time, because I want to keep things real, but anyway I'll do my best. Thanks for the nice stuff, it totally convinces me to write when I don't plan to, and it actually made me feel kind of guilty for not being able to write :( But anyway thanks a lot! :)_

_Guest: OMG! I am so so so glad you think that high of this story! I even ran around showing your review to everyone! But yeah, now that things are slowly getting better, they still have to deal with the usual drama of a relationship (you get a little taste of jealously in this chapter). I really can't think right now about a third part, but I have to admit that lately I've been thinking about babies and that stuff more than usual, which is never, and now that you mention it maybe I could use it for something productive instead of feeling like I'm getting old. So, yeah, maybe (just maybe) one day there'll be little Spemily babies running around in this story, but who knows? ;) Thanks a lot :)_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: I'm really doing my best and trying as hard as I can to make things happier while keeping it real, so... I really really really hope you like this chapter, but if you don't it's okay, I'd just like you to tell me. At first I thought I could say this chapter is for you or something like that, but I'm not totally happy with how it looks, so I'll keep it for something really worth it... Not that the chapter is not worth it, because I still like it, but like, you know, you deserve better, sooo... Not this one, but I promise one day I'll write something long and beautiful and it'll totally be for you :) Lots of love, xoxo._

_That's all, enjoy!_

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**Chapter 13. Not jealous at all.**

It had been more than a week since their picnic date. If Emily wanted time, which she asked for, that was what she would get from Spencer. If she had asked for it, then why was she feeling like something was missing. The swimmer knew it was ridiculous to ask herself that, she knew without any doubt what was missing. Because she knew what was missing. Spencer was missing.

This new situation between their friends wasn't comfortable for neither Hanna nor Aria, but there was nothing they could do for them now. Throughout the week, the four of them sat together in the school cafeteria at lunch, and awkward was not enough to describe how it was for all of them. However, Hanna enjoyed herself with all the stolen glances and shy smiles shared between her friends, but she pretended to be oblivious, as the good friend that she was, surprising Aria when she later ran to tell her. On Tuesday morning, Emily told Hanna every single detail about Monday's afternoon events, and then she went totally crazy fangirling with Aria, who had listened to Spencer's side of the story.

On Friday, thirty minutes before the school bell rang, Veronica stopped her car and turned to face Spencer. Since Monday's evening, Spencer had decided she wanted her mother to drive her to and from school, so she wouldn't spend so much time alone. Because alone time meant thinking, and in the past few months thinking hadn't led her to anything good. Of course, Veronica didn't found it funny. Actually, she thought Spencer was old enough to start taking care of herself, but she had thought that earlier and see what that brought them. She tried her hardest not to treat her daughter as a little girl, but she was deathly scared of what could happen, even if Melissa had reassured her that nothing too bad would happen. She saw the frown on Spencer's face, and asked, "What you frowning at, Spencer?"

Spencer didn't want to answer, not at all, but there had been more than enough lies in her family, and she wanted to at least try and be slightly more honest. Sighing, she stared out of the window, at the form of Emily talking to a girl who she didn't recall having ever talked to, but who she supposed was a swimmer. "Do you know how I used to feel about hope, mom?"

Veronica remembered Spencer saying something about hope, more than once, but she couldn't tell what where the exact words. But now that she thought about it… "That it breeds eternal misery?"

"Yeah…" Spencer nodded, still observing the girls outside the car. "Should I keep feeling like that?" She waited a few seconds, and before her mother could answer, she added, "I mean, about my recovery, and about Emily."

Mrs. Hastings smiled sadly. She missed Spencer's happy behavior from when she was younger, from when she was a toddler playing dolls with her sister. "I think only you know how you feel, but it's hard to be happy thinking like that, honey." She reached for Spencer's hand, making her look at her face. "Everyone can see how much Emily loves you, and there's nothing that can keep you away from each other, not even this, because, when you're together, little hearts appear around you and you both get this awestruck look that makes people envy what you have."

That certainly made Spencer smile. "Little hearts?" She shook her head, amused at her mother's soppiness. She looked out of the window, just to see that Emily wasn't there anymore. Quickly, she kissed her mother's cheek and ran out of the car, shouting a rushed "Thanks!"

"You're welcome", Veronica answered to her now empty car. Smiling because of the warm feeling that helping her daughter gave her, she drove out of the school and to her work.

In the school yard, Spencer ran towards a blonde that she knew, thanks to the high heels, was Hanna. "Morning, Han!" Surprised at her friend's giddiness, the blonde quirked an eyebrow and stared at Spencer until she got the hint. "Oh right, I didn't tell you. I'll talk to Emily at lunch, and I'm gonna ask her to come over tomorrow."

"Come over for what?" Hanna winked at the brunette, already knowing that most probably they would just watch a movie and talk (even more).

Sighing, Spencer started walking to her locker. "Why do I even bother to tell you anything?" She knew Hanna was just messing with her, but she so wasn't in the mood for it. She just wanted to avoid Emily as much as possible until lunch, and then surprise her. Hopefully, she would get a good answer. But first of all, she needed to convince herself that she could be hopeful.

While Spencer was still taking her books, a un-named, ginger girl approached them. She couldn't even remember ever seeing her. Leaning on the lockers, the girl looked intently at the brunette's eyes. "Hello gorgeous, my parents named me Stefanie but you can call me however you want." Smirking, she lowered her voice and added, "Actually, I'd love you screaming my name." Hanna's eyes bulged, not believing that girl's bluntness, and her jaw totally dropped when she heard, "And, just so you know, I'm a top, but I'm open to be topped, though only by you."

Spencer's eyes widened. She didn't know how to answer to that. What did it even mean? Well, that was easy, the girl was hitting on her, but every single person in Rosewood knew that she and Emily were together. She was surprised, never been in that situation. But she knew what she needed to know. "Hello, Stefanie, it's been really nice meeting you, but I am not interested, since I have a girlfriend, who I'm head over heels in love with."

"Is Blondie here your girl?"

"Oh, no, she's not…" Spencer looked at Hanna for help, but her friend was way too preoccupied looking at the girl in front of them.

"Then she doesn't have to know." The redhead leaned forward, as if she were going to whisper something to Spencer, but a strong arm stopped her. Scowling, she turned around to see an angry Emily. "Can't you see you're interrupting something?"

"Oh, sorry, I just wanted to talk to my _girlfriend_." Taking a step forward, she locked eyes with the new girl. "You know, while I was walking towards here, I got the impression that you were hitting on her, but I was wrong, wasn't I?"

Smirking, the redhead looked over at Spencer, who was grinning at her girlfriend. "Totally wrong, honey." Without giving time for a response, she walked away swaying her hips, right after throwing a last wink in Spencer's direction.

Fuming, the swimmer turned to face Spencer. "What was that?"

Hanna, seeing the perfect occasion to leave the girls alone, found Aria on the hallway and ran towards her without saying anything. Silently, Spencer made a mental note to kill the blonde later, and focused on Emily's face. "That was nothing, I didn't even know her name until she came here and started proposing stuff that I so not want to do with her."

"I thought we were still girlfriends, Spencer, and I don't like my girlfriends flirting with other people." Still angry, Emily had to do her best to keep a steady tone, both because she didn't want to make a scene and because she totally didn't want to shout at Spencer.

"No Em, I swear I wasn't flirting with…" Suddenly, it hit her, and a huge smile started forming on her lips.

Frowning, Emily asked, "What are you smiling at?"

"You're jealous."

"I am not jealous." Emily shook her head. She wasn't jealous, but if she were, she wouldn't be over that slut. Wow, did she just call someone a slut in her mind? That was wrong in so many ways, and so unlike Emily, that she immediately realized she was in fact jealous. "Maybe I am."

"Just maybe?" Spencer couldn't believe it. Emily was jealous. That was something to take note of.

The swimmer blushed, looking at her feet. "Yeah, just maybe."

Carefully, Spencer took a step forward, trying not to invade the girl's space and at the same time wanting to wrap her arms around her. "Just maybe." Smiling at the girl in front of her, she felt like her heart was going to burst into happiness, because if she was jealous that meant that she still loved her just as much as she had loved her when everything was perfect between them. In that moment, the need of hugging her was way too strong for her to resist, but at least she asked for permission, "Can I hug you?"

Feeling as shy as if it were their very first interaction, Emily nodded, closing her eyes at the soft feeling of Spencer's body against her. Sadly, the feeling was gone too fast for the swimmer's liking, when Spencer took a step back with a blushing face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get angry at you."

"I know, silly." Spencer took Emily's hand between her own, and kissed the swimmer's cheek. "Actually, I wanted to ask you something, but I had planned on asking it at lunch."

"Ookay?" Confused, Emily leant forward and waited for the question to come.

"Would you want to come over tomorrow's afternoon?" Hopefully smiling, Spencer added, "I mean, we can watch a film and talk, or whatever you wanna do."

"Sure!" Grinning wickedly, Emily nodded happily. She couldn't imagine her life without the blushing girl in front of her, and sometimes that scared her, but in moments like that it made her heart swell with love.

The bell rang, snapping both of them out of their minds. They had to run if they didn't want to be late for their lesson, so they gave each other a last smile and left towards their classes.

On the other side of the hallway, Hanna started jumping around Aria, happy about the girls encounter. "They hugged!"

Aria sighed tiredly. "We hug all the time, Hanna."

"Yeah, but it's not the same, we have friendly hugs!" Seeing that Aria was still ignoring her opinion, she added, "But maybe you couldn't see it from down there, sweetie." Before the shorter girl could even register her words, Hanna ran to her class.

Two hours later, Spencer was stuck in her AP Economy class, without any of her friends to make it slightly more interesting. She didn't even know why she was taking that class, if she totally hated it. Oh right, her father wanted her to take it, just like Melissa had done, and she didn't want to disappoint him. Well, more like she hadn't wanted to disappoint him, because since he hadn't made any effort to see her in around one month she understood that meant he didn't care that much about her after all. She really didn't want to go there, but the boring lesson and the even more boring voice of her teacher made her start thinking, and now she couldn't stop. She couldn't believe that all of the efforts she had done to impress her own father had been for nothing. She didn't even know if she felt hurt, disappointed or what. Actually, she didn't feel any of the above. She was happy, because her mother supported her. They were slowly trying to re-start their relationship, and in her mind she could see both of them having something similar to the friendly mother-daughter relationship Ella and Aria had, which by the way she had always envied. But in a healthy way; Aria was one of her best friends and she loved both her and her mother. And also, that was something she had never mentioned to anyone if it weren't while joking. Maybe now she could talk to Emily about it.

If everything went as planned, the next day she would be sharing the couch with her girlfriend. It felt weird, calling her girlfriend when things were still kind of cold and rusty between them, but she truly believed in their happy ending. After all, they deserved it. More Emily than her, because of how much Spencer hurt her, sometimes even knowingly, but she honestly believed that they deserved it and that they would get it. That was why she would do everything that was on her hand to make Emily forgive her. Because it didn't matter how many times Hanna told her that Emily wasn't angry or disappointed on her, which by the way was more times than she was willing to count, she still believed that everything was her fault, so she felt like she was the one who had to make things better. Anyway, she still didn't really know what to do, other than trying not to pressure the swimmer while having as much dates as possible without acting like a stalker, maybe bringing her flowers and writing her love letters (with some help from Aria, but that was a secret), but anything other than that.

On the other hand, Emily seemed to know what to do. Turning to her mother, she started going to church with her. Pam Fields had never been happier on a Sunday than last Sunday, when a shy Emily appeared on her bedroom door asking for permission to accompany her. Since then, she had prayed every single night before going bed. For Spencer, for things to get better, for her soul and for her mind. But also for herself, because she needed to find the strength to help Spencer getting better. She remembered when at first her mother hadn't been happy about her being gay, and she knew that it had a lot to do with her religious way of life, but when they were on their way to church they had a heart to heart talk about how God loved everybody, and Emily couldn't but cry at her mother's huge change of mind.

Happy about how things were slowly changing, and about her earlier conversation with Spencer, Emily looked out of the window while waiting for the bell to signal it was lunch time. Taking a paper, she wrote down everything she wanted to talk to Spencer on their little Saturday date. But wait, was it a date? She assumed it was, since Spencer had asked her and they didn't need to go out for it to be a date, right? Yeah, it so was a date. She couldn't hold back the grin that appeared on her face when she imagined how good things could go. Damn, why couldn't the bell rang sooner, so she could ran to Spencer and just stare at her while they were eating lunch?

Finally, the bell rang, and she took all of her things and put them carelessly in her backpack. Since they weren't seeing each other every single afternoon, lunch was the biggest period of time that she could spend with Spencer, other than their dates, and she intended on enjoy every single second of it. "Oh God, I'm like a stalker!" She didn't realize she was saying it out loud until she saw the looks people were giving her, but she didn't care that much, because at least she was in love with the object of her stalking, and Spencer loved her back. But when she thought about it, she totally sounded like she was crazy. But now that she thought again about it, she really was crazy, but crazy in love, which was a good kind of crazy.


	14. Last first kiss

AN: _Okay, I gotta say that (in my opinion) this chapter is one of the most bittersweet things I've ever written. That said, I'd like to say that it's tittle comes from a song, and as I see it it's one of the most amazing feelings, knowing that you'll be someone's last first kiss, though in real life that sounds kind of naïve... But what can I say? I'm a romantic and I seriously need something to do, because I'm becoming a sap. And I don't wanna start rambling, so..._

_Oh, I was forgetting to mention that... SEASON 4! And I don't wanna spill any spoilers, but OH MY GOD! Now seriously, I totally loved it and I think season 4 will make me love Mona (even more, because I already think she's pretty awesome), though I've got something to say... If you were Spencer, would you really forget everything (every single thing, from depression to Radley, along with the almost dying part) you've went through "thanks" to Toby just because you had some sex in a dirty motel in the middle of nowhere? Really, I didn't like Toby since almost the beginning, but this whole Spoby thingy is really making me think that Marlene needs some big dose of reality before she keeps writing more episodes... And that's all! Ups no, I gotta say that I still don't like Paige, because (the same as with Toby) I think someone would have to be in serious need of affection to date someone who attempted at drowning them, so... Yeah, both Emily and Spencer need to drop them and start dating! Because, I don't know if you saw it, but as Troian says, "Pretty Little Lesbians"! Yay!_

_And what did I say about rambling? I'm really sorry, it's late (like 1 am late) and I woke up early after not sleeping enough, so sorry if my brain isn't working very well :(_

_KooshGID: Well thank you, I hope stuff's going well for you too :) And here goes more, hope you enjoy it!_

_Breyanaxo: Thanks a lot, and congrats to you too! I actually did super great, so now I only have to enjoy my summer :) I wanted last chapter to be something like a rest, because it was totally needed, and I'm glad you think it was cute :) And I guess you can see that I'm still excited about the premiere of season 4 ;) Thanks for reviewing!_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: I don't really want to say anything about future chapters, but you know, probably they'll be taking baby steps until Spencer earns Emily's trust again, which isn't easy, because when you lose someone's trust it usually is forever, sooo... And I'm glad you were touched (I guess, I don't really know what to say, which is weird because I normally say a lot), because I totally mean it :) You know, you always say all of those wonderful things about me and my writing (which by the way I still don't agree with some of them, but anyway) that I'm actually thinking about making a collage with all of them and like putting it in my closet's door or something, so I can see it everyday and remember how amazing you are :') Okay, I can see how you relate to Emily, and I've got to say that I'm really sad because of that, but eventually things have to get better ('cause it wouldn't be worth it, it they didn't), so I really really really hope they actually do get better soon, and just let you know that I'm absolutely sure you won't go back there because you are strong, one of the strongest person I know by the way, which is a lot considering that the other one is my granny (mom's mother, still enjoying life). But you shouldn't feel bad 'cause you can't tell how I feel, because I sincerely promise to tell you the truth if you ask me, and besides I'm feeling pretty shadowy right now and sometimes I don't even understand myself. And you know, you are not just "someone", so whether I change things for you or not, you shouldn't feel bad for that (also), because as I sad it's for you and not because of you, which is totally different. Actually, you shouldn't feel bad about anything related to me, because then I'd feel like I'm the one who made you feel bad and that would make me feel bad. And well, I don't really know what else to say, other that I'm really happy you think the chapter was good :) Oh yeah, and that I love you too, that I wish I could hug you and I'll try not to forget :') xoxo_

_And that's all! Enjoy, bitches! (Sorry for that if offended, I don't usually say it as a bad thing, actually I only write it, 'cause I'm a good girl and good girls don't swear, but it totally is a Little Monster's thingy, and besides it reminds me of A, so...)._

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**Chapter 14. Last first kiss.**

Her heart was aching, and each beat sent painful shots of blood through her body. She stared down at her lap, where a head with dark locks rested peacefully. Lovingly, she slid her hand between silky hair, slightly scratching. She was being selfish, she was aware of that, but something inside of her kept shouting that for once, just for once, she should follow her heart. So that's what she did, follow her heart, knowing that she was partially tearing the girl she loved apart. But she couldn't let her go, even if that meant feeling guilty for the rest of her life.

Silently, Emily turned her head on Spencer's lap, smiling at the concentration clearly visible on her girlfriend's face. It had felt weird, watching a film with her, not talking at all, but now that it was over she hoped they could talk. After all, the only reason she had gone to Spencer's terribly empty house was because she wanted to talk. If she had wanted to watch a film, they would've gone to the movies.

Lifting her right hand, she let a finger slide down Spencer's bicep. "What you thinking about?"

For a few seconds, she actually considered lying and saying that everything was okay. But it wasn't, and her doctor had told her that the first step she should take now that she really wanted to recovery was to stop lying to her loved ones. And she loved Emily, which made her one of her loved ones. That meant no lying to her. "Us." But no lying didn't mean telling everything.

"What about us?" Emily frowned, feeling the smile slowly disappear from her face.

Spencer felt her girlfriend's body tense, and immediately she knew that she was worried. Mentally, she scolded herself, again, for being so weak. Instead of saying what she had been thinking about, she opted for a half-truth. "That I love you."

"Really?" Emily smiled dopily, seeing Spencer's slow nod. Sometimes, she wished things had always been like that between them, all smiles and cute moments. But all of that times, she remembered herself that if it hadn't been for all of the things they had been through, she wouldn't have grown to love Spencer as much as she did. However, after a few seconds of staring at her girlfriend's face she noticed her small smile was not that sincere, and her eyes were dark. Frowning, she sat up and took Spencer's hands between her own, tugging to make the girl turn to face her. "That was cute, but I'd rather you telling me the truth, instead of what I wanna hear."

Spencer gulped. She found it ridiculous, that she had been lying to everyone without nobody noticing, and now that she hadn't totally lied she had been caught. Maybe Emily knew her way a lot better than she ever realized. Maybe Emily had always read behind her lies, but didn't want to say anything. No, that couldn't be, she remembered the look of betrayal on her girlfriend's eyes, how her face contorted in pain, how her voice trembled with hurt… She couldn't have known. Sighing, she decided she had to share with Emily her thoughts, the reason she couldn't be totally happy and the reason she couldn't look at her reflection in a mirror without hating herself. "I'm sorry."

Putting her left hand behind Spencer's chin, Emily forced their eyes to lock in an intense stare. She wanted to hug her, to wipe away all of her worries, but somehow she sensed that wouldn't be enough. "Spencer, you know you can always tell me anything, but I don't like it when you lie to me."

"I didn't lie to you!" Emily's face said it all. "Okay, I didn't tell you the whole truth, but I didn't lie either."

The swimmer stared into Spencer's eyes, seeing something there that told her she was telling the truth. Anyway, she still wanted to know, out of both worry and curiosity. "But I want you to tell me the whole truth, Spence."

Turning her face to the side, Spencer went back through all of her previous thoughts. Well, they weren't that previous, since they were always attached to the back of her mind, reminding her of how much she didn't deserve the girl sitting in front of her. Closing her eyes, she quickly checked her options. She could either lie and tell Emily something sweet, or get her shit together and tell her how she was feeling. She remembered her mother would go with her to her next appointment with the doctor, and she really wanted to see her proud face when she explained how she had open up to her girlfriend. So yeah, she needed to explain her feelings to her. "Em, I… I don't think I deserve you." Emily's face fell, thinking that maybe this was the definite break up. Seeing the emotions on the swimmer's face, Spencer kept explaining. "But at the same time, I don't want to let you go, because I love you, and I want you. But still, I feel bad, because I hurt you and I keep hurting you. I just don't deserve you."

"Oh, honey!" Emily threw her arms around Spencer mid-section, fighting back tears. It was really sad, that her own girlfriend felt like she shouldn't be with her. She didn't feel like that at all, but if she felt she wouldn't say it, because she'd always rather having Spencer than having to live without her. "You are not hurting me by being with me, Spencer. I won't lie, you hurt me, but it wasn't because you were with me, it was because you did some things that made you lose my trust. But it would have felt the same if we were only friends, because I've always cared for you."

Although Emily wasn't crying, Spencer couldn't stop the tears from pouring down her cheeks. She would never be able to put into words how much the swimmer's words actually reassured her. Because she had never thought about it, but Emily, as well as Aria and Hanna, was one of her best friends, and that meant that she would still care about her even if they weren't dating. "Thank you, Em."

"For what?" It would always feel weird, talking to this new Spencer, but Emily loved her nevertheless, and she wanted to get to know her as well as she had known the old Spencer, although that was resulting to be a hard task.

Spencer smiled sweetly at her, a light blush appearing along her cheeks. "For loving me."

Emily grinned lovingly at the girl in front of her. Actually, she blushed too, but she also mentally thanked God for her tanned skin and how hard she had to blush for it to be noticeable. "You're a sap, you know it?"

"Yeah, but you love me." Spencer cocked her head, pretending to be more confident than she really was, because most of the times that helped her.

Slowly, Emily tucked her knees behind her body, leaning towards Spencer. The girl froze, totally aware of their proximity. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into the swimmer's arms and kiss her senseless, but she simply couldn't do it, so she waited for Emily to take the lead. The taller girl, oblivious to her girlfriend's thoughts, took her time to move until her lips were pressed to Spencer's. It was light, a barely there kiss, but it felt like everything was back into its place. Too soon for both of the girls' taste, it was over, but neither of them did anything to change that, because they felt like the kiss was perfect as it was. Smiling lovingly, she stared into Spencer's eyes. "Yes, I do."

Those words reminded Spencer of a ring given too soon, and then given back. It hurt, but it was a way too soft feeling compared to how grateful she was, because that simple act was what made her see what she was doing to the person she loved the most. She knew she couldn't love someone if she didn't love herself, and she also knew that she couldn't change if she didn't really want to. That's why she was so grateful when Emily gave her back the ring, because it felt like she had given her heart back to her, so she could fix it and then, when she was truly ready, try and give it again to whoever she wanted to. Which in her mind always was Emily. Though that thought had a teeny tinny problem: Spencer's heart was still on Emily's hands, because it had been since way sooner than the ring, and it would always be. But she didn't know it yet.

So that's what Spencer wanted to do. She wanted to be a better person, to be someone worth of Emily's love. And that probably meant being almost perfect, because Emily was the best girl she'd ever met, and she deserved all of the love in the world. But if that's what she needed to do, that's what she would do. She would become perfect (almost perfect, because there's no way on Earth that she could be as perfect as Emily) and then she would try and get Emily back as her fiancée. Well, she knew that they should wait some time, maybe until they finished their degrees, but that wasn't a problem, because she was totally and painfully aware of all of her imperfections and how much effort she needed to change them. So yeah, she wanted to become what Emily deserved, because without Emily there was no Spencer (in a romantic way, not in an I'd-kill-myself-if-you-ever-leave-me kind of way), and that meant doing whatever was needed.

Two hours and some of the best cuddles Spencer's ever had later, Emily was already at her home, telling her mother every single detail about the date, while Pam hung on her every word.

On the other hand, Spencer sat alone in her house, waiting for her mother to come back. She didn't know where Melissa was, but she supposed that she was working, since she hadn't seen her leave the house for too long in a few weeks.

She tried to focus on the lingering feeling of Emily's lips against her own, even bringing two fingers to her lips, just to make sure that it was just a tingly feeling (an amazing one, by the way) and not someone actually kissing her. But there was a limit to how much time she could spend sitting there with a lovesick expression.

She weighted her options. She could call Hanna, tell her everything and listen to her fangirling over them, which had a few pros and too many contras, like probably having to listen to her not-so-appropiate teasing. Or she could call Aria, and ask for her help to write something for Emily that truly expressed all of her feelings towards the swimmer. Maybe she could write her a poem, about how much she loved every little thing about her. Like how she crunched her nose when she wanted to make Spencer smile, or how she puckered her lips whenever she was in front of a mirror, or how she got those small tears in the corner of her eyes whenever she had to talk about her father, or how anyone could tell when one of her smiles was real because her skin glistered and her eyelids were half closed… There were too many things, she realized, to write a poem about them. But maybe she could write a list, taking note of whatever came to her mind and then adding it to it, and for that she didn't need anyone's help. Actually, that was the best idea, because that way she could be a hundred percent sure that it would be a surprise. Unless Emily decided to go to her room, which wouldn't happen any time soon, because they weren't back there just yet.

Lost in her own thoughts, she didn't hear the door opening and then closing, and she jumped out of her seat when her mom said quite loudly, "How was your date, Spencer?"

Smiling like crazy, she followed Veronica into the kitchen, telling her everything, just like Emily had done with Pam. It felt weird for Spencer, but it was in these kinds of moments when she saw how much she had missed having a mother to talk to about certain things. Like her dates. But it was never too late, and now that she had it, she simply wasn't willing to let it go.

After a few minutes of chatting about Mrs. Hastings' day, Spencer asked something she had been dying to know for a few weeks now. "Mom, are you going to keep dad's surname once you're definitely divorced?"

That wasn't a surprise at all for Veronica, but secretly she had hoped that Spencer would assume the answer and never ask about it. "Well, yes… I guess you already know why."

"Because it's an important name, and you'll get more cases that way?" Spencer already knew that was the reason, but still she wanted to know it from her mother's mouth. Actually, she thought that she wasn't the only one who needed to change in that family. Maybe if she hadn't had to grow up under all of that pressure for being number one she wouldn't have reacted how she did to a few hard moments. Not that she blamed her parents for anything, she only blamed herself, but somewhere deep (really deep) inside of herself she knew that she only thought it was all her fault because she had been raised to give her best, and when she didn't, she had been taught to assume it was because she wasn't enough. So she wanted her mother to act like the strong female she had pushed her daughters to be and leave her father behind, if it was true that they didn't love each other anymore.

"Yes, Spencer." Veronica's words were harsh, because she already knew what her daughter thought about it. Most probably it was exactly the same Melissa had told her a few days ago, because even if they had always claimed to be different, sometimes they were so similar it was kind of scary.

Spencer looked at the floor, trying to believe that her mom's reaction had been a way of self-protection, not intended to hurt her. But she was in a fragile stage of her life, and she didn't allow herself to believe that for sure. She wanted more than anything to go to her bedroom, lock the door and be alone. But she couldn't do that. She couldn't do it, simply because she was quite a lot surer of her self-control, but she knew that something seemingly as small as her mother's words could tear her down again. And she wasn't going to let that happen. Because she couldn't, and she didn't want to.


	15. Nightmares aren't always about monsters

AN: _Here goes more! It's not a very long chapter, but I've been busy with life and stuff, so..._

_Breyanaxo: Thanks a lot! I'm trying to keep things slow with Spencer, but it's harder than I thought :( Anyway, I'm glad you liked the chapter, and hope you'll like this one, too :) Thanks for reviewing!_

_KooshGID: Thanks for your review, I'm happy you liked the chapter :) Also, I'm happy someone agrees with me about season 4 :) Enjoy!_

_I don't think I have anything else to say, sooo... Enjoy! And review! I'll try to write more soon, but I can't promise anything :)_

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**Chapter 15. Nightmares aren't always about monsters.**

Spencer most of Friday's night taking note of things she liked about Emily. She wasn't the best at organizing dates, neither at being romantic, but there was something about the swimmer that made her want to change that. She didn't do a lot, though, because lately she had been feeling more and more tired, maybe because she had been too preoccupied focusing on the happy moments to eat as much as she used to.

She barely registered Melissa poking her head in her bedroom before hearing her whispering to her mother. She couldn't hear them, but she knew they were talking about her. Her breathing slowed down, and she felt sleep slowly taking over her body.

_She looked around, trying to guess where she was. It seemed a lot like her own bedroom, but something was different. Taking a few steps towards the window, she saw the barn. It wasn't reformed yet. She was in her bedroom, but it was her bedroom from before Ali disappeared. She felt uneasy; those weren't times she'd like to relive. Steps sounded behind her, and she slowly turned around, afraid of who (or what) was walking towards her._

"_Long time no see, Spencer." That blonde hair, those half-opened eyes and that devious smirk. She would always recognize that voice, and that face, for the rest of her life._

"_Alison." Spencer knew it wasn't real, she knew it had to be a dream, but at the same time she felt like she was finally having the opportunity to stand up against her once best friend for real._

_As if sensing Spencer's resolution, Alison took a step forward. A small smile played at her lips. Spencer knew what that meant, and she was ready to fight. She knew Alison, she had stayed in the side while she played her games for a long time, and she had seen more times than she could count how the blonde could get inside someone's head and bring them down with an apparently innocent sentence. Tilting her head to the side, Alison said, "I'm sorry I couldn't be here when you decided to pretend to be a body artist, I could have helped you being more… discrete."_

"_I'm not." Spencer frowned. If it weren't for all the mess she had left them, Spencer would have almost forgotten how mean Alison could be. She saw the smile still on the girl's face, and she felt anger start burning deep inside of her. "Actually, I'm glad."_

"_Oh, Spencer…" Ali's smile grew even bigger, and Spencer was painfully aware of how that was affecting her. "You've become such a good leader… I knew it, that the day I had to leave you would be the one to take care of them, and apparently Emily knows it too."_

"_Shut up!" Spencer clenched her fists, trying her hardest not to jump at Ali's throat, because after all it was just a dream._

"_Why, Spencie? You don't like to be remembered that Emily loved me first? Or is it that I was her first kiss? Or that I'll always be her first love?"_

_That was it for Spencer. She turned and grabbed a book from her desk, throwing it at Alison's face. The book flew through her, and the girl laughed. Spencer started sweating, breathing becoming more and more hard. She felt the need of doing something. She had been clean since that day at school, and knowing that a simple dream could bring back that burning desire..._

Sweating, Spencer opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. She realized she couldn't be save anywhere, not even in her dreams. Dreaming of Alison only brought up all of her fears. Fears about Emily and about herself. Ali was right, she would never be Emily's first love. But she had her now, and there was nothing that Alison could do about that.

Angry with the world, and angry with herself, Spencer sat up and threw the sheets to the side. Where was Melissa? She needed her, or someone, whoever could get her mind out of that damn dream and remind her that Emily loved her. She shook her head, now even more angry. How could she doubt her girlfriend's love right after they had shared such an amazing afternoon?

Looking around for her phone, she wondered whether to call Emily or not. She was about to dial her number when she saw surprised that it was already 7 am. Sighing, she decided to have a long, hot shower and try to erase all of her worries.

Thirty minutes later, she walked inside the kitchen. There were Melissa and Aria having a coffee. She found it amusing, how much they had grown to like each other because of her, when Aria used to hate on Melissa at whatever occasion she could find.

"Morning." She took a cup and poured some coffee on it, taking a seat next to her sister.

"Good morning, Spencer." Aria's smiley mood confused Spencer. Had she read wrong the clock? She couldn't remember a day where Aria hadn't woken up grumpy, and this new situation was freaking her out. "I've got good news!"

Frowning, Spencer looked at Melissa, who shrugged. "What kind of news?"

"I've got a date!"

"Good!" Spencer smiled, happy to see that Aria was finally giving herself a chance, after all the drama dating a teacher had brought to her life. "Who's the lucky boy?"

"Noel."

Spencer smile fell. Noel? As in Noel Kahn? It wasn't that new, since Aria had always had a thing for him, but so she did for Jason, and she had chosen Ezra over him. "Aria… Are you sure about this?"

"Yes, I'm sure, don't worry." Still smiling, Aria winked at Spencer. "So, don't you have anything to tell?"

Melissa's head shot up, suddenly interested by the conversation. "What does she have to tell?"

Aria took a sip of her coffee, enjoying Spencer's confused expression. After everything that had been going on, it felt wonderful to mess with her. Especially since it wasn't easy to mess with Spencer. "I don't know, maybe something related to a date yesterday afternoon?"

Sighing, Spencer knew that Aria had already talked to Emily. Well, probably Emily called Hanna, and Hanna decided to tell Aria. And maybe then she told everyone else around Rosewood. Melissa looked at her surprised. Oh yeah, she forgot to mention that she would be making good use of the empty house. However, it didn't take long until she started feeling all warm because of all the little details that had made her feel on cloud nine all night (until she fell asleep, but that doesn't count).

Seeing Spencer's light blush, Aria exclaimed, "C'mon, spill it!"

Grinning, Spencer looked at her cup of coffee while relating every single moment of the date. She was so happy things were getting better for her. Sometimes, she felt like everyone was just waiting for her to fall back down, because they didn't believe that her happy attitude was real. But it was, and most of it was thanks to Emily, but the other part was thanks to her own efforts, and she wouldn't let anyone interfere with her recovery.

"I can't believe you finally kissed!" Aria's over-excitement was making Melissa seriously consider whether her sister's friends were mentally sane or not. Oblivious to those thoughts, Aria kept fangirling over Emily and Spencer kissing. Spencer loved those moments between them, that reminded her that their friendship would never be over.

Almost two hours later, and a few more squeals about both of their love lives, Aria left the Hastings' house, leaving Spencer alone with Melissa.

Once the door closed, Melissa turned to her sister, her face turning serious. "So, mom said you were angry at her."

"I am not angry at her!" Spencer shook her head. After a few seconds of silence, she added, "I was, yesterday night, but just for a moment."

Melissa couldn't understand why her sister was angry. Sure, she was disappointed and didn't like her latest decisions, but she wouldn't say she was angry. Actually, she tried to act as calmly as possible. But things with Spencer were different. She was more passionate about everything she did or felt, and their mother wouldn't be anything different. "Can I know why?"

"Because I've spent all of my youth trying to be who her and dad wanted me to be, and the same has happened with you, but now she can't make a decision about her own life. It's like she's always pushed us to be who she doesn't have the guts to be, and if I have to be honest I find it utterly disappointing."

"Oh, Spencer…" Melissa understood how she was feeling. She wouldn't lie, she had felt that way herself, but it wasn't a good moment for Spencer, and feeling angry wouldn't help her at all. Probably, it would only make her feel worse.

After a comforting hug and a few minutes in an awkward silence, Spencer whispered. "I need to talk about something." Melissa's alarms went off, immediately thinking about the worse things that Spencer could want to talk about. "No, it's not that!" Spencer felt slightly upset that her sister had thought she had relapsed, but at the same time she was glad that she had grown to know her so well that she could tell what she was thinking about before she had to say it aloud. "I just had a bad dream, and wanted to talk about it."

It took her most of her efforts not to sigh in relief, but somehow Melissa managed to force a more or less sincere smile. "Okay, you can tell me."

"Okay, well…" Spencer related all of the dream, focusing on how she felt about everything Alison had said, and not leaving behind her reaction. She was scared. Scared that now that she was trying to fight, she didn't know how to deal with her anger. Because she had felt so angry as to throw a book at Alison's ghost, even if she knew that it would be inutile.

"Spencer…" Melissa wasn't a psychologist, neither a psychiatrist, but being a lawyer meant that she was used to pay attention to people, even if her cases weren't that important. "Spencer, I know you, and I know that you're not a bad person, you just need life to be fair and leave you be happy."

Spencer nodded, not totally convinced, but comforted that Melissa really thought she would be happy. "Thank you, I just needed to hear that."

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AN: _That was all. I just gotta say that I love writing sister moments between Spencer and Melissa, but probably you've already noticed, so... Oh yeah, I totally love Alison, because she's like the master HBIC ever and she's kind of my favorite teen-mean-girl character... Yeah, that's all! I hope you enjoyed the chapter :)_


	16. Surprise, surprise

AN: _This is short. I know. But I think the end makes up for it. Or at least for me, but I'm not you, so... I've got to say that I kinda went through a short writer's block, and it's not over, I'm having seriously trouble to write a few fords that mean something, but hopefully one of these days I'll find inspiration in something... Anyway, I know you don't care, so that's all._

_Breyanaxo: I'm glad you liked the chapter, and the moment between Spencer and Melissa, too :) And I'm gonna give you three reasons as to why Alison is meaner than Santana: 1, Santana does have a reason to be mean (closeted lesbian), but Ali doesn't (at least not in the show); 2, Santana's biggest wish is that her grandma loves her again, and that is sad and cute, but not mean at all; and finally 3, Santana is so hot at everything she does (well, Naya Rivera is, but that means Santana is too) that I can't see her being that mean. I hope you can see my point here, and maybe that I changed your mind :) Thanks for reviewing!_

_tenseforspence: Don't be sorry, it's okay :) I've already thought about bringing them back, but I can't say anything yet ;) I'm really really really glad that you like this story :) Thanks for reviewing!_

_KooshGID: I'm glad you like Spencer and Melissa getting along, and that you liked the chapter :) Thanks for reviewing!_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: I'm glad you liked the chapter :) I really love writing Spence, but I have to confess that I don't think like her, mostly because there's one huge difference between us, but anyway it gets better. You know me well, I love writing them, and I know you like them too, and it would be perfect if they started dating on the show, but I think that's probably not happening, which is sad, because they are two unbelievably gorgeous woman, though I prefer Spencer, but anyway... I'm rambling, but you know what I meant, or at least I hope so :) Thanks for reviewing :) Love you too, xoxo._

_That's all. Read, enjoy, review! And then enjoy your summer! Happy July to all of you!_

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**Chapter 16. Surprise, surprise.**

Slowly, Emily walked out of her room on Sunday's morning. Her mother had been awake since early in the morning, but she didn't want to get out of her warm bed. Last night, she talked to Spencer on the phone until they both fell asleep, hearing the steady breathing of each other. She didn't really believe that everything was so happy and wonderful for her girlfriend, but she wanted to believe so hard that she would put up with all of it, knowing that she wouldn't get anything from pressuring her into saying anything.

When on Friday she had kissed Spencer, it felt like she was in Heaven. Like everything in the world was finally right, everything finding it's place just to make things better for them. Like time stopped in that brief moment, so they could enjoy it forever. But it didn't, and after they pulled apart they went back to reality. Things couldn't be perfect forever, at least not for them.

Thinking about Spencer, and with a small smile on her face, she took a shower. While talking to Hanna about the date, she realized she missed the intimacy she used to have with her girlfriend, and it felt really hard to stay physically away from her when they were alone, but she knew it would only hurt them both if they did something while not being ready yet.

Once dressed in some sweats and a big hoodie Spencer had once let her borrow and she didn't give back, she skipped downstairs. Before entering the kitchen, she heard her mother humming, which made her stop at the door. Smiling softly, she stared at her mom while she was cooking something that seemed delicious. She missed her father, sometimes like crazy, but she never really thought about how that felt for her mother. Now that she was looking at her, she could see that her smile wasn't that big since the last time they had been together, and that reminded her of how in love they were. Maybe he had called earlier, because she looked really happy. Unusually happy, Emily would say.

Carefully, she took a few loud steps inside the kitchen, not wanting to scare her mother with her ninja moves. When she knew she had been heard, she said, "Good morning, mom."

"Good morning, Emily." Pam turned around with a smile, setting a cup of coffee for her daughter. The swimmer nodded, thankful, and took a seat. "Your dad called, and he had good news."

Emily smiled. She had been right; her father had called. Good news, that was something great, she supposed. "What good news?"

Pam turned around, getting back to her cooking. "He's coming on Tuesday, and he'll be here until Sunday."

Emily jumped up and ran to hug her mother, excited. "That's wonderful, mom!" She couldn't wait until telling Spencer. Maybe they could all have dinner together, maybe even invite Melissa and Mrs. Hastings too. She went back to her seat, smiling happily. "I can't wait 'til he officially meets Spencer."

After hearing that, Pam stopped her actions, slowly turning around with a slight frown. "About that…" She looked around, not wanting to meet Emily's eyes. "I don't think it would be a good idea."

"Why?" Emily was confused. Why wouldn't it be a good idea? Her father loved Spencer since always, he always said she was mature and a good girl.

Mrs. Fields turned around again, suddenly realizing that she shouldn't have turned around. "Well, he might not be happy about certain aspects of your relationship with Spencer."

What? What was that even supposed to mean? Emily couldn't understand anything her mother was saying. Certain aspects of her relationship with Spencer? She felt as if everything was trying to bring her down. "What?"

"Emily, I…" Pam turned to face her daughter again. She knew how much the swimmer loved her father, and what she had to tell her would surely make her feel bad, and she didn't like knowing her daughter was feeling bad. "Last time he called, he asked about you and Spencer, and it was in those days when you weren't talking, so I told him everything and now… Well, he thinks that you need some time apart, see other people and figure out your feelings without any pressure."

"But nobody's pressuring me to say that I love Spencer, I just know it!" The swimmer felt angry. Angry that her father had chosen those days to call, angry that her mother had been so worried about her that she'd told him, angry that he worried so much about her. But she couldn't feel angry about her father caring about her. She saw her mother's face and sighed, defeated. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout at you."

"It's okay, honey." Pam wrapped her arms around Emily's head. She didn't totally disagree with her husband. She knew Spencer was a good girl and that she loved Emily, but it wasn't enough to make her forget about all of the times she had either seen or heard her daughter cry. She also knew that Emily loved Spencer, and that she was intelligent enough as to know what was the best for her, so if she thought she should be with Spencer, then a part of her knew that was the right thing for her. But the other part, the one who worried about her, was afraid that Spencer would end up falling down and that she would bring the swimmer with her. "He just worries about you, maybe you two could use this time he'll be here to talk."

"Yeah, sure." Softly pushing her mother off her, Emily stood up. Feeling numb, she walked back to her bedroom. She wiped away tears she hadn't realized she was crying, and let herself fall down on her bed. Sure they could talk, maybe she could make him understand how she felt about Spencer. After all, she had felt comfortable enough with him as to tell him she was gay. He had always been the understanding one, the one she could always count on. Now, she felt like her whole world was being torn apart and she didn't know what to do to make things better.

She knew her mom would leave her some alone time to think about everything, so she waited there for something to happen and snap her out of her thoughts. She could go back to sleep, but she had the feeling that she wouldn't rest anyway. Taking her phone, she didn't know who to call. Spencer was out of the list, because she didn't want to worry her about anything that she could solve herself. Hanna probably wouldn't know what to say, because after all she never had to deal with her father not liking one of her boyfriends, and she would only tell her that everything would be okay. Shaking her head, she decided to call Aria. She had been through a lot with her parents since they discovered she was dating Ezra, and she could probably tell her what to expect from her own dad.

"Emily?" Aria's voice sounded muffled through the phone. In their sleepovers, she was always the first one to fall asleep and the last one to wake up, so more than probably Emily had woken her up.

"Yeah, I think I may need your help." Right after saying it, she realized that she should have explained. If she were Aria, she would be freaking out right now, worried about everything. Trying to avoid that, she added, "Nothing to worry about, I just could use some girl-talk."

"I wasn't worrying, I was trying to get back to sleep without you noticing." The shorter girl sounded really tired, maybe she should have called Hanna after all. She waited for a few seconds, not knowing what to do. After what seemed like years, Aria finally gave in. "Okay, I'll be there in about an hour."

"Great!" Emily smiled and sighed relieved. She didn't even know how to start a conversation with her father without being all defensive, and she was sure that wouldn't be good at all.

Thinking that she still had one whole hour before Aria appeared, she started cleaning her room. She still had her dirty clothes from two days ago lying on the floor, and she liked her bedroom clean. That was something Spencer liked about her, she knew it, but her mother had made her keep her bedroom tidy since always and now it was like second nature for her.

Surprised, she found a piece of paper sticking out of the back pocket of her jeans. Frowning, she carefully took it, not really sure if she wanted to read it. She unfolded it, quickly recognizing the curvy handwriting. It was from Spencer. She couldn't remember her getting _that_ close to her in any moment, and she would've obviously noticed. She winked a few times before focusing her eyes on the note. It said:

_Dear Emily,_

_I hope you find this when you're already home, maybe tomorrow, so I can make you smile first thing in the morning. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you something: I love you. And I could say it more, or louder, even scream it at the top of my lungs, and it would still mean exactly the same; that I love you. I love you so much that all I see is you, all I smell is you, all I hear is you, all I taste is you and all I wanna touch is you. All I breathe is you. So, this was just a little reminder. I love you._

_Since always and forever, yours and only yours, S._

Whipping a single tear away, Emily sat in her bed, letting herself fall down while thinking about how lucky she was. Maybe her father wouldn't understand at first, but she was sure that only five minutes with Spencer would make him see how much her daughter was loved. Taking her phone again, she quickly tipped a text.

_You just made my day, thanks a lot. I love you too. xx –Em._

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AN: _That's all. I first thought about sending Emily away, but then I thought it wouldn't be good at all for Spencer, and... I don't know, I just wanna write more and more sweet moments between them, 'cause I feel like it, and it wouldn't be possible with them being apart. So, yeah, I hope you liked this short chapter. I'll try to update soon!_


	17. Mine

AN: _I know, it took me a while to write this, but I'm running out of inspiration, even if I know where this is going, but it's like my muse died or something, and it's weird and I don't really know how to explain it, so..._

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Thank you! I gotta say that you're too sweet to me, and I have to confess that sometimes I do have trouble to find the right words, so nothing comes naturally :( Anyway, thanks again :)_

_Breyanaxo: I knew I'll make you see my point ;) I actually thought sending Emily away would make things too dark, and I don't feel like it at this point of the story. I'm really sorry but you'll have to stay anxious until next chapter (at least) because there's no Mr. Field here, and... I don't wanna say anything about how the talk will go yet :) Thanks for reviewing and stuff! :D_

_KooshGID: Well, thanks, I like writing little sweet moments :)_

_tenseforspence: Sorry, but you'll have to wait to see if Em's dad is nice or not :( Thank you! :D I think this chapter is kinda descriptive too, but in a very different way, and... you'll see, I don't wanna spoil anything, so I'll just say... lots of Emily! :)_

_The "more please" guest: I really appreciate your reviews, but if you keep writing "more please" and nothing else I'm gonna start feeling like this is some kind of dirty thingy and... Anyway, thanks, I guess._

_I'm really proud of this chapter, because for the first time ever I used "-" and I think I did it right :D Because well, we write really different and even if while reading I understand how it's written it still confuses me when it comes to writing, soooo... I did it! And I know this is ridiculous, but when everyone starts using the same symbol for the same thing writing will be a lot easier, believe me._

_And that's all! Read, review and stuff!_

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**Chapter 17. Mine.**

Monday morning, Emily walked down the halls of the school with a light frown and half-closed eyes. Only one more day until her father arrived, and for the first time in her whole life she wasn't excited at all. Well, she of course was a little bit excited, because he was her daddy, but she wasn't ready for him to throw more drama into her relationship with Spencer.

She turned a corner and saw them there. Spencer with that ginger girl. What was her name again? She felt anger boiling inside of her. Why was she standing so close to Spencer? She wanted to walk to them, grab that chick's hair and drag hell over Rosewood's High. But she trusted Spencer, at least when it came to those things, and she knew she would never do that to her, so she simply turned around and went to her class without meeting Spencer before. That was a first, both of them loved to walk each other to class and share a few shy smiles, and now that things were actually getting better between them they cherished those few seconds more than ever. Though it seemed like Spencer didn't like them as much as Emily did, if she was wasting her time with that girl.

Furiously trying to shake those thoughts out of her head, Emily threw her things on her desk and took a sit next to Aria. Her friend looked at her worried. She'd never seen Emily like that before, and she worried she had argued with Spencer or something.

"Em, you okay?" Almost fearing Emily's reaction, Aria whispered. None of them wanted to talk too loud, just in case a teacher could hear about Spencer and get her in trouble.

"Yes, I am." Crossing her legs, Emily stared at the empty front of the classroom for what seemed like ages. Sensing her friend's eyes still on her, she ended murmuring, "No, I'm not."

Sighing, Aria moved her chair closer to the swimmer's. Carefully, she whispered, "Spencer?" While asking her question, she dreaded its answer. Whenever she thought about Spencer, she felt like crying. Crying, because she was convinced she hadn't been a good enough friend, and because she couldn't stand the fact that someone she loved so much had to go through something like that.

Emily nodded, looking at her hands. She didn't want to give away too much, just in case Spencer could ever hear something. Like if in a few years they were totally wasted and Aria said something like "Hey Em, remember when you wanted to kill that poor girl because you thought Spencer would cheat on you with her?" She didn't want that to happen, not at all, so she simply asked, "What if Spencer gets tired of waiting?"

Confused, Aria frowned and asked, "Waiting for what?"

"For me." Emily's heart sunk when she finally let it go, but it was something that had been there in the back of her mind, waiting for the worst moment to come back to light. She wanted to believe that Spencer would wait for her, she really did, but she knew it would take her a while, a long while, to trust her again, and maybe when she finally reached that point she wouldn't have a girlfriend to trust.

With an almost inaudible sigh of relief –that Emily still heard and understood, because she worried about the exactly same, too-, Aria took Emily's hand and squeezed it. "Listen Emily, everyone knows that Spencer loves you more than anything, and most of them don't understand what's going on between you two, but you and her know, and if she said she would try to be strong for you it's because she meant it, don't you think?" Aria waited for Emily's nod, and smiled reassuringly. She wasn't an expert on relationship's stuff, Ezra was the perfect example of it, but she did knew her best friends. "You were honest with Spencer, you told her you couldn't trust her, and see how far you've gone in these days. I'm sure as hell that if I were you I wouldn't have taken her back, and if anyone else had been here they would have probably change their names and move onto a new city. But what did she do?"

Slowly looking up, Emily whispered, "Fight for me."

"That's right, she's fighting for you, so one day you'll have to start trusting that she won't lie to you again, and today could be a good day for it, don't you think?" Aria smiled softly, hoping she hadn't gone too far. She understood that Emily was in a very hard place, and that when she had to choose between her love and herself she had chosen her love, which she found incredible, but she was also Spencer's friend and could see that the poor girl was really doing her best. Actually, Spencer had drove her to school that day because she wanted to talk to her about the most cheesy thing ever, and she had seen that girl, Stefanie, approaching them briefly after they had arrived at their lockers. She wasn't blind, she could see the girl's intentions and didn't like them at all, and adding that to the fact that Hanna had already told her about her shameless flirting with Spencer, she resolved she didn't like her. However, Spencer said she wanted to talk to her, make it clear that she wasn't interested, and she left them alone hoping that her best friend wouldn't do anything to knowingly or unknowingly hurt her other best friend.

"I've already started trusting her when I kissed her, you know?" Emily wanted to smile at the thought of kissing Spencer. Right when she let her lips touch, she realized how much she had missed it. Spencer had the softest lips she had ever kissed so far, and her tenderness couldn't compare with any other thing she could feel in this world. With that kiss, she had convinced herself that she loved Spencer way too much to keep fearing getting hurt, and when they pulled apart she could see on her girlfriend's face that she would never hurt her again. Lying time was over, and the swimmer felt like if they could get to the point of actually talking about their feelings whenever they needed to, she could give her heart back to Spencer. Maybe even accept her ring again, who knew?

Happy with their conversation, Aria turned back to the front just in time for their teacher to enter the classroom. Their marks hadn't been on their best since the whole A thing started, but now that it was over maybe they could get back in track. Also, Spencer needed to go back to her straight As thingy before she realized how much school she had skipped on the last few months. Besides, it would give her the bust of confidence she so was needing.

Two hours later Emily tried again to reach Spencer, and once again she saw her with that damn girl that was starting to get on her nerves. However this time, she was touching Spencer's forearm and she wasn't doing anything to stop it. Her girlfriend's arm! She could only see Spencer's back and the girl's smug smile, but she hoped that her girlfriend was at least frowning at that annoying wannabe who seemed too oblivious to the fact that Spencer had a girlfriend. A part of her head, a really very small part, reminded her that she was starting to sound ridiculous, but she decided to ignore it. She knew she would be kicked out of the swimming team if she got into a fight, but she found herself seriously considering it.

Lost in thoughts, she snapped out of them when she saw the hand on Spencer's arm start travelling up, probably towards her neck. And that was it for her, she saw red and started furiously walking to her girlfriend, ready to remind that ginger girl who Spencer belonged to. That was until a hand stopped her, and she looked to her side to see Hanna's blonde head shaking from side to side. She stopped. Hanna was right, she couldn't do that to Spencer, she knew she wouldn't hurt her. Sighing, she turned again to face the scene in the middle of the hall, just in time to see Spencer taking a discreet step back, the wandering hand falling limp by the side of its owner.

A relieved grin started to form on Emily's face, at the same time that Hanna's grip of her arm grew quite painful. She wasn't going to do anything now, she didn't understand why she didn't let her go. Actually, she was about to remind her friend that as a swimmer she needed her arm intact to swim, when she saw Spencer take another step back, leaving a more than angry face clearly visible for Emily. Confused, she squinted her eyes at them, regretting never having learnt how to lip-read. Maybe if she took a few steps closer, she could hear them. But it was proven unnecessary, when Spencer started to turn around and the girl that Emily was starting to think she hated shouted for everyone to hear, "I'll tell them!"

Tell them? Tell them what? Emily saw her girlfriend's face turn white, and she knew what there was to tell. How Ginger Homewrecker had discovered was a something she couldn't understand. Spencer was always careful, wearing long sleeved clothes even in the hottest of days, not making any brusque movements that could expose her wrists and never ever letting anyone touch her. How could she know, then?

Smirking, Stefanie turned around and walked away from Spencer, but not before adding, "You have until tomorrow to decide what you prefer."

Emily saw and heard her, and the anger that had frozen when Hanna stopped her was suddenly back and stronger than ever. She wanted to grab that girl and slam a locker's door on her head until she fell unconscious. She wanted to kick her ass and made her beg for her pardon. She wanted to torture her until she willingly apologized to Spencer. Because the swimmer could see emotions she feared clearly flying through Spencer's mind, and she didn't want the person who did that just walking away without her limbs still attached to her body.

Before Spencer could break down in the middle of the school, Hanna let go of Emily's arm and pushed her towards her class. "Go, I'll take care of her."

Emily knew Spencer and Hanna shared their next class, for which she would be late if she didn't start walking then, but she still couldn't leave her girlfriend like that. Staring on her best friend's honest eyes, she saw that Hanna was as capable as her of taking care of Spencer, and she also didn't want to hurt the blonde's feelings again.

Sighing, she nodded to Hanna and turned to walk to her class. Once inside, she took a sit next to the window and replayed everything on her mind. How could she have feared Spencer would cheat on her? Okay, maybe she was making it a little too hard for Spencer to get their relationship to the same point it had been in before everything had started going wrong. For a brief moment, she considered giving up and sleeping with Spencer, because if she had to be honest she truly missed the physical part of their relationship, but still she knew it was too early. She knew she wouldn't be able to look at Spencer's arms and see her latest scars without stopping the image of her brown eyes trying to hide the truth away from her.

She didn't even realize when the teacher started the class, and when she looked at her notes all she was were doodles. She wanted to talk to Spencer so desperately that it hurt. She needed her, her girlfriend, being the strong one for once, because the constant worry in which she had to live was killing her, and she was too young to die. Closing her eyes, she thought about how Alison always talked so lightly about dying young. Everyone knew it was kind of romantic, and even more if you added a picture of her in the cover of a newspaper under a caption along the lines of "Loving killed her". She saw then how sad it was that dying had made Ali famous, even if she had once mentioned she would like it.

Half of the class had passed and she hadn't paid any attention, so she decided that it would be ridiculous to waste the rest of it trying to understand anything. Sighing, she started writing potential facts that she would have to discus with her father, such as Spencer, her relationship with Spencer, Spencer cutting, Spencer lying to her, Spencer hurting her… It seemed like she would have a hard time convincing her father, because even her silently recognized to herself that if she were her father she would probably think the same way about the person who had hurt her baby girl.

And then it hit her. She being mother. She really wanted to have children, one day, after finishing college and being married and having a stable life and lots of other stuff. But anyway she wanted to have children. And when she closed her eyes, she always pictured herself with Spencer, a tiny dark-skinned toddler running around them and a brown-haired baby on her girlfriend's arms. Well, hopefully then she would be her wife, instead of her girlfriend.

Five minutes before the bell rang, she discretely took her phone from her jeans pocket and considered whether to send Spencer a text or not. She wouldn't mention any of the things she wanted for her future, of course, but all of those images made her feel as if her heart was growing and growing inside of her body and as it would explode with love at any moment. With a soft smile on her lips, she settled for a simple, "I love you", knowing that they would have to talk about serious stuff at lunch.

When her still in her hand phone vibrated and she saw Spencer's "Aw, you know I love you too, babe", her heart almost skipped a beat, and she had to contain herself from doing a happy dance.

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AN: _Me again! Okay, this was kinda hard to write, because it's like a closer look to Emily's thoughts and feelings and she's always harder for me to write than Spencer, so I really hope you liked it. Also, I gotta say I am not a jealous kind of person, so all of those feelings and thoughts Emily has come mostly from reading Brittana (why do they always write Santana so possessive?) stuff and watching too many soap operas for someone my age, so that means I don't have any clue of how someone who's jealous thinks and if it's too much or not enough or whatever... Well, I did my best. However, I gotta say that if you're dating a jealous person... run away! And now that's really all, I'm gonna lay down and rest, because writing this left me without energy... Okay, writing doesn't tires that much, but I'm gonna lay down and watch TV anyway, so... Hope you enjoyed it! And remember, tonight PLL on that channel at that hour that doesn't matter because I'll be totally asleep! Bye!__  
_


	18. And the lights turn off

AN: _I know it's been a while, but I started watching The L Word and got caught up, and besides __I actually wrote this yesterday, but due to a bleeding nose and a long nap, I couldn't find it in myself to turn the computer on again. This chapter is kind of slow, really slow, really really really slow, but I think it gives a good idea of how messed Spencer's thoughts are, and how much she needs to talk about things. I could also say it's kind of dark, but I guess it depends on how you see it, so I'll just say for me it's sad and dark in a way that would make me feel uneasy if I were just reading it, but since I can take a look inside my mind and truly understand what I was trying to express then it's just sad._

_Breyanaxo: I hate Stefanie, too, she's such a bitch... I am glad you liked the chapter, I don't really know what I'm doing while writing that much about Emily, so I guess I didn't do it that bad :) Thanks a lot about your review, and hope you like this chapter as well :)_

_Guest: Okay, well, I'm sorry, but I disagree with that Quinntana thingy... Anyway, thanks! :)_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: I could write a thousand words and still don't really explain why Emily is so hard for me, but I guess it has to do with the fact that sometimes I think I'm not writing her as I exactly want her to be, because when it comes to writing she doesn't come from the same place as Spencer, I don't know if I'm explaining myself properly... Anyway, that was a very accurate description of Santana López, though I highly disagree with most of it, but it's just my opinion. And you know, thanks for reviewing and stuff, hope you like this chapter :)_

_Craycrayforshay: Emily would could punch Stefanie, but I think that could get her out of the swimming team, if the American shows I've watched don't lie, so... I like jealous Emily, too, I think it's a change from her usually calm personality. Though lately she isn't being that calm on the show, but anyway. Thanks for your review, and hope you like this chapter as well :)_

_tenseforspence: I think Stefanie and Paige together would be too much, though both of them would win something from breaking Spencer and Emily up... I'll think about it! Thanks a lot, and enjoy this chapter! :)_

_That's all. Read, enjoy and if you feel like it you can even review or something._

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**Disclaimer: I didn't mention it before, but while I don't own anything from Pretty Little Liars, Stefanie is totally mine.**

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**Chapter 18. And the lights turn off.**

Spencer walked to her house. Mrs. Hastings had driven her to school that morning, since she wasn't allowed to use her car alone, but she wasn't there to take her back. She surely forgot, or got held back on the office, wouldn't be the first time. Head low, slow steps, she sighed and resigned herself to whatever would happen. She had a good 40 minutes' walk before reaching her home, but she saw it as a much needed alone time. Thinking that way, she turned her phone off. To hell with whoever wanted to reach her, she wasn't talking until being home.

She knew Hanna wanted to help, but knowing that Emily had sent her only made her feel angry. Angry and sad. And disappointed, too. Why wouldn't her own girlfriend just go and ask her if she was okay? Honestly, sending their blonde friend had been an awful idea, and everyone could have seen it. However, instead of answering what she had in mind, she just stood in silence looking at her own foot. Hanna loved to be listened, so that she gave her. She got her lecture and got away without having to explain anything. As if it was all her fault. That was why she didn't show up at lunch, because she didn't want to deal with anyone.

When that Stefanie girl first approached her, she simply thought she was flirty and nothing else. Now, she felt like Ali had come back from the death in the form of a ginger devil. What could she do to stop her? Of course, she wouldn't give herself to that crazy girl. Even the fact that Hanna had questioned it, and knowing that it more than probably meant Emily also thought that way, made her insides ignite with anger. She would never do that to the swimmer, but it seemed like she hadn't made it clear enough.

_As if I could ever cheat on her. _Shaking her head, she realized she had been walking way too fast for it to seem normal. Maybe that was the reason why her heart was beating so fast. Or maybe her feet were the ones following her heart's pace, which was just beating at the pace her anger was setting.

Totally stopping, she looked around and realized she was near the playground were she used to go when she was little. Trying to steady her thoughts, she slowly directed her steps towards it, heading to the swings before even thinking it. Once there, she sat and took her phone out of her jeans' pocket. Maybe she should tell someone where she was, before they all went crazy worrying about her. Or not, maybe she should let them worry and enjoy the first real moment of freedom in weeks.

Giving herself some impulse, she started swinging. Once she reached a considerable height, she threw her head back, looking at the sky. She remembered how much she used to love doing that when she was a child. Well, not anymore. Her knuckles were turning white and her head was spinning with the feeling. She realized she hated it. She felt as if she could fall at any moment, and she didn't even see how beautiful the clouds were on top of her, because she was too worried about the sensation of passing out that was taking over her body. Abruptly throwing her feet to the ground, she stopped swinging with a harsh shake. _I'm not doing that again soon._

She didn't stood up. Firstly, because she didn't feel like she would have the strength to do so. And secondly, because she didn't want to leave yet. Being there reminded her of a moment in her life when her only worries where being better than her sister and receiving her parents attentions.

Since Emily had kissed her, it was as if someone had turned the light on inside of her head, and she could finally see everything after a long time standing in the dark. It was as if she could see the world she was walking on, and all of it thanks to Emily, who was holding her hand through everything. But now, someone else that wasn't her girlfriend was standing next to the switch and had the power to either turn the lights off or turn the lights on for everyone else in Rosewood to truly see her and what she was hiding.

If someone asked her if she had felt like relapsing, she simply couldn't lie and say no. Because she had felt about it a million times, and thought about it even more. Her doctor said that hiding her feelings wouldn't do her any good. Actually, what she had said was, "If you keep pushing your feelings to the side, one day they'll come back so strongly that maybe you won't be able to stay in control anymore, and that day you could accidentally go too far." She understood it perfectly. If she kept smiling at everything, one day it would all explode in her face and maybe she would unconsciously go as far as to accidentally send herself to the hospital. Or worse, to the morgue. _As if I could ever go that far._

Since that conversation, she had convinced herself that it was impossible. That she could never go that far. That she couldn't ever do that. As if she was in control. As if she could stop herself. As if she knew what she was doing. As if she was strong enough. Maybe she was still standing in the dark. Maybe no one ever could turn the lights on for her, because she was the only one who could reach the switch. Maybe she had been naïve, believing that she was in control.

She widened her eyes. She could finally see it. _I'm not getting better, I'm just ignoring myself. _It was there, sitting in one of her favorite places from when she was younger and happier, that she understood that she needed to start talking. At first, she thought about going to Emily and telling her everything that had been going on in the last few hours, but then she remembered the feeling of knowing that she didn't trust her, and she decided to wait until she was sure she didn't feel angry anymore. Or at least, not that angry.

Lost in her thoughts, she didn't see someone approaching her. She felt someone sitting in the swing next to her, and she didn't need to turn to know who it was. Of course, they would send Aria to talk to her. As if she were a little child. As if she wasn't allowed to take her time to walk home. They waited in silence for what seemed like ages, but Spencer supposed wasn't more than a few seconds. That was something she loved about Aria, that she could wait in silence until the other person was ready to talk. Unless when she was pissed, then she would angrily confront them. Sighing, she comforted herself with the idea that if Aria wasn't angry at her then anything was wrong. But still, she wanted to know why she was there.

"So, who sent you here?" Without letting Aria answer, she bitterly added, "Did Emily think I was cheating on her?"

Surprised, Aria turned to face her friend, but Spencer wouldn't look up from her lap. "Why would Emily think that?"

"I don't know, ask her. Or Hanna." After all of that time alone, Spencer couldn't avoid releasing her anger on the first person who talked to her. Who happened to be Aria.

The shorter girl shook her head. Hanna had told her about her conversation with Spencer, and how Emily had momently thought that Spencer had something going on with that stalker girl, but she frowned wondering what her blonde friend hadn't told her. Closing her eyes, she started lightly swinging. "Look, I don't know how Hanna told you this, or if she even did, but Emily heard what that girl said to you about telling you-know-what to everyone and she just got worried about you, but Hanna told her to go back to class, so she didn't actually send Hanna, if that's what you were thinking. Just like she didn't send me here. And also, she spent most of lunch looking for you, but it looks like you didn't want to be found."

Forgetting the last part of Aria's speech, Spencer angrily said, "You can say it, you know? She will tell everyone that I cut myself. That I'm weak, and a mess, and that one day I decided it would be a good idea to fall into self-harm. She will explain to everyone how I've got these damn scars that maybe I'll have to carry around for the rest of my life."

"And who cares?" Aria interrupted her. She might have been all for talking, but she wouldn't let her best friend drown in self-pity. "Who cares if you made a mistake? You're trying to change it, and that's what counts." Aria stood up and walked until being in front of Spencer. Putting her arms on her friend's shoulders, she looked at her eyes and said, "I don't care. Neither do Emily and Hanna. Your mom and your sister don't care. Mrs. Fields doesn't care, and once you talk neither will Mr. Fields. Neither of us loves you any less because of it, Spencer." She saw the tears appearing on the brown eyes in front of her, but she continued anyway. "Why do you care so much, if the ones who love you doesn't?"

Spencer didn't see that coming. Unstoppable tears streamed down her face. "Because I messed everything up with it." She knew what Aria wanted to say, that it wasn't that bad, but she shook her head and continued talking before being interrupted. "Maybe my mom finally pays some attention to me, but it's just to treat me like a child. Maybe I finally have the relationship I always wanted to have with my sister, but it's only based on how she feels like she has to take care of me. You and Hanna, don't lie, look at me like I'm made of glass and can break down at any moment. And Emily… She's the best thing to ever happen to me, and when we jumped from best friends to lovers everything felt wonderful. But now, now she can't even kiss me or hold my hand without fearing that I'm gonna lie to her again. Because that's what I did, I lied to the person I love the most, because I simply don't deserve her."

Aria didn't expect that. Of course, she already knew Spencer wasn't as happy as she was making everyone see. She even thought that Spencer was fooling herself into feeling happier about everything. But she could never have thought that her friend was still thinking that she didn't deserve Emily, after everything she had been doing to show the swimmer the exact opposite. She understood then that she hadn't changed that much, that she was still lost. But if she needed some light, she would gladly lit a candle for her, so she didn't step out of the right path for her. However, and strangely, she didn't know how to put that into words. Wrapping her arms around Spencer, she tried to tell her everything she couldn't say. She tried to tell her that she was there, that she loved her, that she didn't think she was made of glass, that she believed in her. That she would help her.

Neither of them knew how much time had passed, but when they pulled back Spencer eyes were red and puffy from all the crying. Shyly, she reached a hand to touch a damp mark on Aria's blouse that she assumed was her fault. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, silly." With a comforting smile, Aria took her hand and made her stand up. Without letting go of her friend's hand, she asked, "Shall we start walking before it gets dark and I have to protect you from the monsters hiding in the shadows, Miss?"

Softly chuckling, Spencer nodded her head and asked, "Do you really think you could protect someone with that tinny body?"

Feigning hurt, Aria gasped and took her free hand to her chest. "I am highly offended by that statement, Spencer."

"I don't think you can 'highly' do anything without being on a plane, Aria."

Huffing, Aria asked, "Can we stop laughing at my height, please?" Aria knew Spencer would never go as far as to actually laugh at her, but still she didn't want to feel like her friend was pretending to feel better just to not make her worry.

They walked holding hands in silence until they reached the Hastings' driveway. Both of them thought it was kind of childish to walk holding hands with your best friend, but neither made a comment on it. Honestly, Spencer liked the feeling of knowing Aria had her back, and Aria liked knowing that she still could help Spencer.

When they were in front of the door, Aria whispered, "You know, it was your mom who called me, she asked me if I could give you a ride, since she had an important meeting that she couldn't reschedule."

Spencer's heart accelerated its beating. So, her mother did care about her well-being, and not only about her tarnishing her family's name. She wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, but she knew very well how to contain herself. Besides, she had already told enough to Aria for that afternoon. Maybe some other day they could talk about her family, but not yet. This time being her the one to initiate a hug, Spencer whispered, "Thanks, I love you."

"I know, I'm an awesome best friend." Aria mentally tapped her back when she saw Spencer's lips forming a true smile. "And I love you too", she added, before things got awkward.

Shaking her head, Spencer opened the door and motioned for Aria to get in. She had seen the girl's car parked on the driveway, and since there wasn't any car other than her own she assumed the house was empty. She was right. And she didn't really want to spend too much time being alone.

Leaving her bags by the door, they walked to the kitchen and took a seat. Spencer moved in her stool, not really knowing how to ask what she wanted to ask. When Aria looked at her questioningly, she convinced herself that it was her best friend sitting in front of her, and that she could totally trust her and her opinion about anything. Taking a deep breath, she finally let it out.

"Do you think I should let Emily go?"

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AN: _Cliffhanger! I totally know how this will continue, but just so you know I'm feeling quite angsty right now, so be ready for anything._


	19. Just keep swimming

AN: _I know it's been a while, and I don't have any proper excuse, other than the fact that I've been sick, tired because of it, then worried about more serious stuff, and finally, inspiration took its time to come to me, but here it goes..._

_Wow, the reactions to last chapter! It's my most reviewed chapter, so I guess you liked the cliffhanger ;) And okay, everyone relax, Spemily is endgame and I don't wanna say anything, so... You'll have to wait around 5 seconds to know how it'll go!_

_Breyanaxo: Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it was needed for what I had planned on this chapter, so... I love Team Sparia too, that's why I always try to make Aria be the one to talk to Spencer :) Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad to know you like the chapter :)_

_xxx-Over-the-storm-xxx: Oh, darling... I'm really really really happy to know that you liked the chapter, since I was kinda afraid of what you'd think about it, so... :) Thanks for reviewing and caring about my well-being :) *hug*_

_KooshGID: Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you enjoy reading this chapter :)_

_tenseforspence: I included a Spemily moment in this chapter, as you requested, so I hope you enjoy reading it :) Thanks for reviewing :)_

_Peytonsawyer-davis: Wowowow! There's no need to kill anyone! And specially not me, I'm too young to die! But anyway, thanks for reviewing, and enjoy this chapter :)_

_That's all! It took me days to organize how I wanted this chapter to come out, and I actually wanted to make it long to make up for the long wait, but I failed at it, so... Well, I hope at least you enjoy reading it, and I pinky promise not to make you wait this long without warning. So yeah, read and enjoy! And the review, if you feel like it... ^^_

* * *

**Chapter 19. Just keep swimming. **

"_Do you think I should let Emily go?"_

Not moving an inch, Aria asked, "Can I have a glass of water, please?" Confused, Spencer nodded and quietly took a bottle from the fridge. With a few swift movements, she took a glass and poured the water on it. She didn't know what to expect from Aria, but the silence they were in was more than tense. She had to take a deep breath in order to calm herself before turning around and giving the glass to Aria. Before she could even react, her friend was throwing the water at her face.

"What…?" Confused, she looked from her now drenched clothes to Aria's face, and back to her clothes.

"How can you ask that?" Aria's eyes were flaming with anger, which made Spencer want to hide under the table. She didn't really know what to say. She just asked for her best friend's opinion, it wasn't too big of a deal. At least, in her opinion it wasn't. "Do you honestly think that you could 'let her go'?"

Thinking of it, Spencer realized she couldn't. Not for herself, because if she thought it would be for the best, she was more than sure she would be able to let her go. But what mattered was what Emily thought of it. Emily was resolute, and knowing how much effort the swimmer had put into making their relationship work after everything that had happened between them, she didn't have to think a lot to know that she wouldn't allow her to break them up.

Aria sighed, watching as Spencer's eyes focused on the infinite while she was deep in thought. She couldn't believe how much her friend had changed, from that confident, strong young woman to this pale, nervous, insecure shadow of her. With a soft smile, she approached Spencer and put a hand on her forearm. "That's what I thought."

"I don't know what to do, Aria." Spencer's brown eyes were bright with tears that soon started to stream down her cheeks. She really didn't know what to do. One moment she was sure of what she wanted, and next she only wanted to cry over how hard it was to know how much she was hurting everyone around her.

Carefully wiping away Spencer's tears, Aria whispered, "I do." When her friend finally looked into her eyes, she explained herself. "I know what you need to do, Spencer, and I'm gonna be here to help you."

Spencer knew she could trust Aria, it wasn't as if it were Hanna planning something crazy that would probably make things awkward between her and Emily. With hopeful eyes, she said, "Tell me."

A few hours later, Spencer found herself in front of Emily's doorstep. She paced in front of the door, not really sure what to do. Well, she knew what to do, Aria had really helped her with it, but they hadn't go through the little details. Like, what if Mrs. Fields didn't want her to see Emily? Or what if Mr. Fields had for some reason arrived a day earlier? If that was the case, what if he killed her? Or worse, what if he forbid her from seeing Emily ever again?

She felt on the verge of crying, because of all the tension. Putting down the box she had been carrying, she took a deep breath and prepared herself to knock on the door. Right when her fist was almost touching it, she took a step back. She wanted Emily to be the one to open the door, and she couldn't be sure that would happen if she knocked on the door.

Shaking her head, she reached for her phone, but before she could even begin to type a text she thought about what Aria had said. _Romanticism._ Sending a text wasn't the right way to woo someone. Since she wasn't the kind of girl who watched romantic films on her free time, or at any time, for that matter.

To knock, or not to knock, that was the question.

She shouldn't have listened to Aria. She could have waited for the next day to talk to Emily, instead of letting her friend take her to that shop and then leave her alone. Looking around her, she saw Emily's bedroom light was turned on. If she weren't carrying a box, she could've climbed through her window. But she couldn't.

Right when she was thinking about going back home and waiting for the next day to come, the door flew open. "Spencer?"

Slowly turning around, Spencer found herself face to face with Pam Fields. "Good evening, Mrs. Fields."

With a relieved sigh, Pam smiled at the girl's worried face. "Thank God it's you, I've been seeing a shadow pacing in front of my house for twenty minutes and I was beginning to think it was a burglar."

Blushing, Spencer was suddenly very aware of how much time she had spent waiting in front of the house. "I'm really sorry, I just wanted to talk to Emily about something important."

Sitting on her bedroom's widow seat, Emily tried to read the book that she had in her hands until she heard her mother opening the front door. She didn't know what time it was, but it was quite dark outside, so she assumed it was late enough for it not to be a normal visitor. What if her father had arrived earlier?

She couldn't see anything from her position, due to the darkness outside. Trying to be as silent as possible, she tiptoed to the stairs. She thought about casually walking down and saying hello to whoever it was, but she still feared it could be her father and she didn't really felt like talking to him after such a long day.

Sitting down, she heard her mom talking about someone pacing outside the house and sighed. She knew eavesdropping wasn't a good thing to do, but she wanted to know who it was. Secretly, she hoped it was either Hanna or Aria, wanting to spend some time with her. She didn't hope it was Spencer, because since they were rebuilding their relationship the girl had been very careful and respectful around her, so she assumed she wouldn't knock at her house without asking her if it was okay.

"_I'm really sorry, I just wanted to talk to Emily about something important._"

Her stomach jumped at the sound of Spencer's voice. _Something important_? Did that mean Spencer wanted to talk about what happened at school that morning? She didn't wait for her mom to tell her girlfriend whether she was or wasn't allowed to see her, and ran down the stairs. Once in front of Spencer, a smile took over her features. "Hi." Somehow, she felt shy. Maybe it was the fact that her mom was there, or seeing the other girl's eyes light up at her presence, but it made a light blush appear on her cheeks. However, thanks to her skin color, it wasn't appreciable unless you were really near to her.

"Oh, you're here!" With a small smile, Pam turned to face her daughter. She was aware of how things were between Emily and Spencer, and she didn't want to intrude in whatever that would happen next. "Well, I'll leave you alone now, girls. You can go to the living room if you want, but I'm afraid you can't stay for too long, Spencer, since it's a school night."

With a polite smile on her face, Spencer smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Mrs. Fields."

On her way upstairs, Pam stopped briefly to whisper in her daughter's ear, "Tell her to stop calling me that, it's making me feel like an old lady."

Smiling, Emily skipped to the door. "So…" It was as if they hadn't been dating for so long, feeling all shy around each other. "What did you want?"

Spencer took note of the fact that Emily wasn't stepping out of the doorway to let her in, which made her worry that maybe she was still angry at her. "I wanted to apologize, if it's still not too late."

"Why would it be too late?" Emily knew Spencer was waiting for her to let her in, but she knew her mom would walk back down at any moment to keep an eye on them. It was quite warm outside, so she motioned for Spencer to sit with her on the bench in her porch.

"I don't know, I just…" Spencer shook her head. It had seemed easier when she was with Aria, but now that she actually was with Emily she realized how nervous the swimmer could make her feel. "I've been avoiding you today at school, and I wanted you to know that I can explain it."

Emily knew Spencer was getting ready to start a long, long speech about how she was sorry about something that didn't have anything to do with her. Before she could start her rant, the swimmer decided to speak first. "You don't have to apologize for anything, Spencer. Nothing is your fault."

"Not this time, but it could've been nothing if I hadn't done certain stuff that led to put me in this position." Spencer's eyes were begging for Emily to understand, and so she did.

It was really hard, seeing her girlfriend being so vulnerable, when she used to be the strongest of them all. But she couldn't avoid keep loving her despite everything that was happening now. Not that she would want to avoid it, but it felt weird, knowing that her heart wouldn't pay attention if her mind decided it was too hard to stay with Spencer. Wanting to change the subject, she motioned towards the box on Spencer's hands. "What's that?"

"Oh, this… It's for you." Nervously putting the box in her hands, she waited for Emily to open it.

Curious as to what it could be, the swimmer opened the box. Inside, there was a big, crystal cup, and a bag full of water. Putting the cup aside, she took the bag in her hands. Inside, there was a small, white fish, confusedly trying to swim. "A fish?"

_She doesn't like it_. Spencer's head struggled to find an answer. Aria had told her to find something that Emily would appreciate, something that could mean something. That meant no flowers, of course, because that was so cliché. While they had been still sitting in front of a cup of coffee, it came to her. What would be better than a fish? It seemed like the perfect present for a swimmer. "You don't like it, do you?"

Emily could sense Spencer's uneasiness. It wasn't that she didn't like it, not at all. Actually, she loved it. She was just surprised. Surprised that Spencer had put so much thought on something so silly after having such a hard day. Putting the fish back in the box, she took Spencer's hands and squeezed them. "I love it, Spencer. It's probably one of the best presents I've even been given."

"Really?" Spencer looked up into Emily's eyes, worriedly biting on her lower lip.

With a soft smile, Emily whispered, "Really." Cupping Spencer's cheeks with her hands, she slowly leant forwards, making sure of giving her girlfriend time to stop her if she wanted to.

When their lips connected, both girls closed their eyes, wanting to enjoy the moment. At first it felt like the kiss they shared the other day. Slow and sweet. Soon, they realized it was different. Both of them had missed being so close, and Emily, knowing that Spencer wouldn't want to overstep any boundaries, made it clear when she traced her girlfriend's lower lip with her tongue. Spencer moaned, glad to be feeling the rush she had longed for so long, and opened her mouth. Emily cupped the back of her girlfriend's neck when she felt their tongues making contact, sliding her body closer to Spencer's.

There wasn't anything either of the girls could want more than let their hands roam freely around the other one's body. But they knew they couldn't. there were so many reasons as to why they couldn't. That's why Spencer kept her hands on her lap. And that's why it took Emily almost the entire length of their kiss to interlace the fingers of her free hand with Spencer's. Also, Pam Fields could still see them at any moment, and even if she had been totally okay with them dating at first, now Spencer didn't want to risk anything. And besides, it would be beyond awkward.

Mrs. Fields sighed while getting out of her cold bed. She still had problem to fall asleep when her husband wasn't there, even after all the years spent practically apart. She assumed Emily and Spencer were outside, since anything could be heard from upstairs, and silently walked down to the kitchen. Taking a cup, she half-filled it with white wine. Nothing better to help her sleep than her favorite drink.

Right when she was about to go back to her bed, the phone started ringing. With a content smile, she answered it hoping it would be her husband. "Hello?"

"_Pam? Is that you?_"

It took her a few seconds to recognize the voice on the other end of the line, but when she did she couldn't but frown worriedly. "Veronica? What's wrong?"

"_I'm really sorry to call this late, but I just needed to know if Spencer's there._"

"Don't worry, I was awake anyway. And yes, Spencer's here, talking with Emily."

"_Thank God! I came home and her car was here and she wasn't and I thought the worse!_"

Alarmed, Pam walked to the window, from where she could see her daughter and Spencer kissing. Not wanting to see anything that she wasn't meant to see, she turned around. "You can breathe now, she's here. Do you want to talk with her?"

"_No, thanks, just tell her that she should be coming home soon._"

Smiling, Pam said, "Don't worry, I will." She walked back to the kitchen, wanting to reassure her daughter's girlfriend's mother without really knowing how to. Emily had told her she was aware of her daughter's problems, so she opted for offering herself as a friend before they could say their goodbyes. "And Veronica, if you need anything, I'm here."

"_Thank you, Pam. I may take you up on that offer._"

Putting her free hand on Emily's chest, Spencer softly pushed her away from her. At first, Emily frowned. Then, seeing the dark swirl of lust on Spencer's eyes, she understood. It was still too soon, and since it had been a while since they had been together, they couldn't risk getting in a position that could make them unknowingly overstep the line. However, the swimmer found herself greatly surprised at the knowledge that she wasn't the only one missing the physical contact between them.

With a soft blush, Spencer looked up at Emily's eyes. A shy smile appeared on her lips when she saw her girlfriend's plum lips swollen because of the long kiss. Leaning forward, she whispered, "I love you, Em."

Grinning, Emily pecked her girlfriend's lips, before whispering back against them, "I love you too, Spence."

A loud cough broke them from their moment, and they turned to see Pam was at the door, looking at them with a proud smile on her face. "Spencer, your mom called, she wants you home as soon as possible."

"Of course, Mrs. Fields." Standing up, Spencer made sure she had all of her belongings with her before politely smiling at her girlfriend's mother. "Thank you for letting me talk with Emily despite the unexpected of my visit."

"It's okay, darling." Smiling, she watched as Spencer and Emily whispered their goodbyes. When Spencer kissed her daughter's cheek and walked away giving shy glances at the swimmer, Pam's eyes filled with tears. Once she was sure the girl couldn't hear them, she turned towards her smiling daughter. "Can't you convince her to stop doing that?"

Turning towards her mom, Emily shrugged apologetically. "I think she wants to make you see that she takes our relationship seriously, so you could intercede for her in front of dad in case it was necessary."

Shaking her head, Mrs. Fields resigned herself to be treated like that for a long while. "I would've interceded for her without all of this formality, Emily."

"I know, but she doesn't." Taking a look at the fish, Emily suddenly realized that she didn't have her mom's permission to have a pet. "How do you feel about having a fish, mom?"

Spencer was beginning to think she should go walking everywhere, since it was proving to be such a calming activity. With a relaxed smile, she walked up the driveway of her own house. Before she could even reach the door, it flew open and she was engulfed in a crushing-bones hug. "Mom?"

"You scared me, Spencer!" Taking a step back from her daughter, she looked at her disapprovingly. "Why do you want a self-phone if you don't answer it?"

"But I had my phone with me…" Frowning, Spencer reached for it, only to discover that it was dead. Sighing, she showed her mom the screen, as a silent way of reassuring her she hadn't been ignoring her.

They shared some small talk about their day sitting in the kitchen with a glass of tea. Spencer yawned, tired thanks to such a long day, and excused herself to go up to her bedroom. When she had a foot on the stairs, her mom said, "Oh, you're father's coming tomorrow for dinner, so don't be late."

Confused, Spencer looked at her mom. She hadn't heard anything from him since he'd left, so she couldn't understand why he had to come right now when she had so much to worry about. Sensing that her mother wasn't in the mood to discuss it, she sighed and turned back towards the stairs. She needed some quality rest if she wanted to stay alive at the end of the next day.


	20. Tell me

AN: _I could make up some cheap excuse about why it took me so long to write this, but let's leave it at I just wasn't in the mood for writing..._

_KooshGID: I'm glad you liked Aria's intervention :) I can't tell you how Spencer's dinner with her dad will go, but you'll see in this chapter. Thanks for reviewing :)_

_Breyanaxo: I'm glad you liked last chapter :) Thanks for reviewing, and I hope you enjoy this new one as well :)_

_That's all, so... You know, enjoy and stuff._

* * *

**Chapter 20. Tell me.**

"So, how are things going at school?"

Shifting uncomfortably in her chair, Spencer stared at her plate. "Good." That was a lie. She had skipped one too many classes, and now it was being slightly harder than usual to keep with her straight-A notes.

Since dinner had started, she had told more lies than truths. Actually, she had only said the true truth when her father had asked about her sister. But anyway, what if she was blatantly lying to his face? It wasn't as if he would notice, so what was the point on telling the truth? That would only bring them more problems, as her mother's worry showed whenever he asked something.

Sighing, Peter Hastings looked at his now ex-wife. He knew it had been wrong of him to leave the house and not try to at least call his daughter, but he had needed the space, so he went away, as he had explained Spencer, and now that he was back in Rosewood he planned on doing things right. Or at least try to, since Spencer's stern expression had probably meant that he would have to beg before succeeding. She had been quiet all night, answering always with as less words as possible. But there was something he thought could get her to talk. "Sorry, but why couldn't Emily come tonight?"

"Her father's here."

* * *

"Why isn't Spencer here, again?"

Sighing, Emily looked up from her plate. "She's having dinner with both her parents." As if the morning hadn't been hard enough, in constant alert in case _that slutty girl_ decided to try to approach her girlfriend. Whenever she thought about the girl, she had to mentally scold herself for the swearing, but she had already attached the idea to the girl's image and she didn't really want to change it. Between her, Hanna and Aria, Spencer hadn't been alone in the school's ground, not even a second, and neither of them had seen that Stefanie girl. She didn't understand. How was Spencer supposed to communicate her decision, then? Maybe the girl had assumed that Spencer wouldn't cheat on Emily? Shaking her head, ignoring her father's frown, she decided she would have to find a way to talk about it with Spencer, Hanna and Aria. Maybe they could have a sleepover next day?

Clearing her throat, Wayne asked, "So, don't you feel like she should be here, assuming responsibility for her actions?"

Emily's head snapped. One thing was saying that he thought Spencer was guilty of hurting her or whatever, but saying that she was a coward that left her alone was something that she wouldn't tolerate. Mostly, because she hadn't wanted Spencer to be there. And also, because Mr. Hastings' visit was something important, and Spencer needed to work things out with him. Too angry to see her mother's discrete shake of head, the swimmer took a deep breath and mentally prepared a speech, which was hard because she still had some respect left for her father. "Okay, that's enough. First of all, Spencer's father is back in Rosewood and she _had to_ have dinner with him, so no, it's not that she didn't _want to_ be here but that she _couldn't _be here. Secondly, she does not need to prove anything to you. Actually, she doesn't need to prove anything to anyone, because she is all kinds of amazing to me, and if you don't see it then you are the one who needs something." Dramatic pause there, before looking straight at his eyes and add, "Glasses." Standing up from her chair, she whispered, "Thanks for the dinner, mom, it was delicious."

While Emily walked away to her bedroom, Pam Fields looked at her husband with a worried look. "I told you why Spencer wasn't coming, why did you have to push her like that?"

Of course, he had listened to a worried Pam while she talked non-stop about how the Hastings were in the middle of getting a divorce and how much Emily worried about how Spencer was hurting because of it. As if Emily didn't worry enough about the girl. And as if Spencer were perfect and didn't deserve any hurt in her life. Because, as he saw it, Spencer was the one who hurt her baby girl, and even if Pam refused to tell him her reasons to do so, he was sure that she didn't deserve his daughter. "If you had told me earlier that they broke their engagement, as if it weren't enough that they had gotten engaged before finishing school, this could've been avoided."

With a stern look in her face, Pam made sure Emily wasn't anywhere around them before leaning forward and asking, "And what do you think you could've done, Wayne?"

Narrowing his eyes at his wife, Mr. Fields whisper-yelled, "I would have taken her to Texas."

"No, you wouldn't." Standing up angrily, Pam took the plates to the kitchen and started furiously clean them. She hated arguing with her husband, especially since they barely got to see each other.

Sitting on the top of the stairs, Emily widened her eyes. Had she heard right? Did her father actually thought her could make her go to Texas? He was crazy if he thought he could take her away from Spencer. Even if legally she was still a minor and she had to obey her father's orders.

Too angry to stay there, she ran to her bedroom and took her keys, her phone and a hoodie. Tiptoeing down the stairs, she was standing outside her house in less than five minutes and without either of her parents noticing. Or at least, she was sure her father hadn't noticed, but nothing could go past her mom.

She knew where she was headed, but it was dark and she couldn't take her car, or it would be too obvious that she was gone, so she started running, still afraid about what could be hiding behind the bushes.

* * *

Sitting down on her backyard, Spencer looked sadly at the sky. She liked looking at the stars, because they were the only thing that would always be there. At least, none of their lights would extinguish while she was still alive. And that, as weird as it could sound, was one of the most comforting feelings that she had ever had.

Originally, she wanted to be alone, but apparently her father thought it would be a good idea to sit next to her. she scrunched her nose at the smell of smoke coming out of his clothes, and decided that she didn't want to sit in an awkward silence anymore. "Why are you here, dad?"

Sighing, Mr. Hastings observed his daughter's face as she looked up at the sky. He realized then that he didn't know if she knew anything about astronomy, or why she looked at the stars like they had all the answers. "One day, I woke up and went to shave, just like I had done every single morning for as long as I can remember. But when I was there, looking at the mirror, I saw that my hair has turned a few shades of grey on the last few weeks. That was when I knew that something was missing, and that was my family. Maybe things aren't working anymore between your mother and I, we've been trying to hold onto a sinking ship for a long time, but it has nothing to do with you and your sister. I missed you, Spencer."

Tears streaming down her face, Spencer looked at her father, smiling slightly when he reached with his surprisingly soft hands to wipe them away. "I missed you too, daddy." When sobs began to take control of her body, he wrapped his arms around her. They've never been the most affectionate family, but he knew when he had to and how to comfort his own baby girl.

It could've been only minutes, hours or days, but suddenly it all seemed to be right between them, and Spencer wanted to cry even harder. She wished she could tell him how wrong things had gone, or how much she had been hurting, somehow still was, but she knew she couldn't. However, she still wished he could hold her and carry her to her bed, before whispering that he loved her and kissing her forehead. But she was no longer a child, and he probably couldn't carry her anywhere now.

With a few quiet words, Peter Hastings untangled himself from his daughter's body and left her to think about how much she had missed him while he talked to his ex-wife. He wasn't very observant, but he could tell something was different, very different, and if he wanted to make up for leaving without saying anything, he knew that first of all he had to know everything that had been going on while he wasn't there.

* * *

Smiling, Emily saw Spencer's car on her driveway and immediately knew that in a few seconds she would be with her girlfriend, which made her insides feel all warm and happy. She approached the door, only to see two standing figures and hear the deep voice of a man talking. She knew it was Mr. Hastings and assumed Mrs. Hastings was with him, and even if she didn't have any problem with seeing him, she didn't want to interrupt whatever they were talking about.

Walking around the house, she saw Spencer sitting outside, and shivered when she saw she was only wearing a thin t-shirt. It was quite cold, mostly because it was late, and the only thing Emily wished in that moment was that she had a blanket to wrap around her girlfriend. "Aren't you cold?"

Smiling, Spencer turned around. "No, but I'm not opposed to some cuddling." It was crystal clear that Spencer had been crying, but the swimmer didn't know if she could ask about it. Knowing what Emily wanted to ask, Spencer shook her head, "Don't worry, they were kind of happy tears."

"Is that so?" Relieved, Emily took Spencer's hand and pulled until she was on her feet. Before the girl could ask what she was doing, she sat on the grass and, after wrapping her arms and the sides of her hoodie around Spencer, let herself fall backwards into a lying position, pulling her girlfriend with her.

Humming at the warmth of Emily's body, Spencer wriggled until her head was comfortably on top of her girlfriend's chest. "I talked with my father, and I guess things went better than expected." Taking a deep breath, she whispered, "Your turn."

"As bad as expected, but I don't really want to talk about it." She didn't want to worry Spencer. Not when she seemed so relaxed. And besides, she was sure her mother could talk some sense into her father. But if her mother couldn't, she would do it herself. Knowing that Spencer would worry if she didn't act fast, she decided for a change of topics. "What were you doing?"

Sighing, Spencer moved until she was looking at Emily's face. She knew what she was trying to do, and it made her feel bad, because she hated knowing that Emily couldn't talk to her about what was worrying her. But instead of pressuring her, she answered the question. "Looking at the stars."

"I prayed to God to make me _normal_, you know?" Frowning, Spencer waited for a proper explanation, already guessing what Emily wanted to tell her but not sure if she wanted to actually know through how much pain she had gone. Especially because none of her best friends had helped her, not having a clue about what was going on. "When I realized my feelings for Ali weren't what normal people felt towards their best friends, I did everything I could not to be that way. I had heard at church that _that kind of people_ would go to Hell. I crying myself to sleep more nights than I can remember, and then cried even more whenever I was alone. I sat at church every single day for at least one hour, trying to somehow find a way for Him to hear me, and make it all stop." Chuckling, she whispered, "Ali always threatening to tell didn't help, also."

Spencer's eyes filled with tears. She knew it had been hard for Emily coming to terms with her sexuality, knowing about how religious her family was, but she had never actually considered that Emily also shared that same religion. "I'm sorry."

Shaking her head, Emily smiled slightly. "For what? For not realizing I was in love with Alison?" She felt Spencer nod on her chest, and tightened her hold around her. "There's nothing to be sorry about. I didn't want anyone to find out, and no one did." Kissing her forehead, she added, "And besides, it's in the past anyway."

Something tugged at Spencer's heart in that moment. Maybe it was lying there, or the fact that she hadn't felt so close to Emily in such a long time, but there was something that made her feel like everything was really going back to its place. She had thought the same the first time Emily had kissed her after everything, but this was different. This was simple, and that made it perfect. And in that moment, she wanted to tell Emily how much she admired her for so many things, but most of all for being so strong. But she didn't, because she knew Emily wouldn't accept any flatteries. Probably, Emily would just answer that Spencer was the strong one, and that wasn't something she wanted to hear. Not when she didn't believe it. Not when she thought the exact opposite.

Abandoning herself to the mix between the warm feeling of the swimmer arms, the slightly wet grass and the cold breeze, Spencer didn't see her father looking at them through the glass of the back door. His face was somewhere between a smile and a frown. A smile, because he loved seeing his daughter so seemingly happy and relaxed. And a frown, because he knew that something was different about her, and he refused to believe that it was because of their divorce.

Spencer was a grown-up, and he was sure she could understand that sometimes love doesn't last forever without any problem. But then, why was she being so… secretive? Yes, secretive was the word. She had been quite mysterious through the whole dinner, and then when they were alone she had seemed quite off. As if she were paying attention to every single word she said, not wanting to reveal something that he couldn't even guess about.

And then there was Veronica. She was hiding something from him, he knew it. Maybe the same thing Spencer was hiding. He knew he should be curious, and he was, but he preferred to marvel on the thought that maybe Spencer had told her mother what was bothering her. And he smiled, because he knew how much Veronica had internally suffered for not being able to form the same bond that she had with Melissa with Spencer. Shrugging, he looked a last time at the girls before turning around, suddenly feeling like he was intruding in some kind of intimate moment.

"Spencer?"

For a moment, Spencer felt like she could doze off lying right there, but Emily whispering her name made her remember how freezing the night seemed would be. "Yeah?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to know if I would have to carry to your bedroom." Emily's body shook with a low chuckle, making Spencer grin at the happy feeling. "But now that I know you're awake, can I ask you for something?"

Frowning, Spencer's mind started running with all the possibilities, from help with schoolwork to running away from Mr. Fields anger. But then she froze, imagining him hating her even more. "It depends…"

Now it was Emily's time to frown. "On what?"

Burying her head even more on her girlfriend's body, Spencer asked in a whisper, "Will your father want to kill me because of it?"

Confused, Emily rearranged their positions until she could tug on Spencer's shoulders to make her look at her. Once they were face to face, she carefully tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and smiled softly at her. "I don't know what that crazy head of yours was thinking about, but I would never ever let anyone hurt you." Spencer could see her smile didn't reach her eyes, and it pained her, especially when Emily added, "Not even yourself."

Wanting to erase the sadness from her girlfriend's soul, Spencer closed the gap between their lips, not caring to think if it would be okay with the swimmer. After the shock of the impromptu kiss had passed, Emily smiled before kissing her back. Their lips moved softly against each other, until the swimmer realized she needed to take the lead because Spencer was still unsure of what was okay and what wasn't between them. Emily's warm tongue traced Spencer's lower lip, making the girl open her mouth and eliciting a moan from both of them when their tongues contacted. Surprisingly to both of them, this kiss felt more sensual than the rushed making out they had thrown themselves at the previous evening, but maybe it had more than a lot to do with Spencer lying on top of Emily, her fingers now interlaced with her hair. Careful not to hurt her girlfriend, the swimmer bent her right leg and pushed to roll their bodies until she was the one lying on top. With a deep groan, Emily started slowly grinding down her hips, making Spencer break the kiss in order to gasp.

Suddenly painful aware of what they were doing and where they were doing it, Spencer widened her eyes. Putting her hands on each of Emily's arms to stop her moving, she huskily said, "My parents."

Nothing more needed to be said for Emily to understand. Neither of them wanted to be seen in such a compromising position. Especially not by Mrs. Hastings, who knew about how they were taking things slow until Spencer could re-win her girlfriend's lost trust. Feeling the strength leaving her arms, her whole weight fell on top of the girl lying below her. Rolling onto her back, she started shaking with laugh, and soon she was joined by Spencer. After they could steady their breathings, Emily whispered, "I'm sorry."

Smiling, Spencer sat up. Looking down at her girlfriend's flushed face, she answered, "Don't be." Emily joined Spencer and took her hand in hers, both of them awkwardly looking around them. Until Spencer remembered something. "What did you wanted to ask me?"

"Oh, that… Would you come to my practice tomorrow? My mom will be there and I'd like you two to talk and stuff…"


End file.
